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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put up with terrible sex forever?

98 replies

EverydayProcrastination · 22/09/2023 09:45

My husband is terrible in bed. Selfish, unimaginative, wants to me to do all the work. It's so bad that I feel like crying during it. I try to distract myself but i hate him on top of me.

I try to avoid it and he sulks. I have tried to talk to him but he is defensive and gets upset and sulks and says what a cow i am.

I have a lot to lose in a divorce. Nobody has time for all the details but i've been to a solicitor and i've got myself into a really stupid set up.

I really think i might have to stay with him forever. And maybe we will be ok. We both work, we both have social lives, we got on OK. But the sex may be infrequent (every 3 weeks, lasts for 10 minutes) so I would think I could just tolerate that but i don't know if i can.

Do other people enjoy having sex with their husband? And yes it's always been pretty bad, and yes my lack of self-esteem made me put up with it, but it's got worse and worse to the point where now i shudder thinking about it.

AIBU to think it's manegable? I don't really care about sex. I'd be happy to never have it again. So it's definitely not that I want someone else.

OP posts:

BodegaSushi · 22/09/2023 11:08

Sorry OP, but have you ever replied to him with 'well you're so shit in bed it's an absolute snooze-fest, it's you who's turned into a bore'?

I can't believe how anyone would put up with this. If you can't leave please get yourself some therapy to help you with your confidence and self-esteem.

PermanentTemporary · 22/09/2023 11:18

It's very tricky to untangle the strands here, not surprisingly as we have two posts to work on.

From what you've said - why should you want sex with someone who says you're boring and doesn't prioritise your pleasure?

On the other hand, he clearly thinks you would have been keener on risky sex before. I wonder if that was true? Was your sex life actually a bit better in the past?

It's really common for sex to become an issue in relationships, for sure. I read an article years ago that was about a marriage guidance course with good outcomes, and the male leader said 'men always want to fix the sex and think nothing else needs looking at, but women bring other issues, and mostly when the couples have the tough conversations about other things, the sex sorts itself out'. And I believe that.

So I guess I'm saying tell him it's marriage counselling or nothing - that it's not ok to sling insults at your partner and you need to have a reset with third party help.

In the meantime, get a second solicitor's opinion. They're not all geniuses and they get things wrong. Law is an art not a science.

olderbutwiser · 22/09/2023 11:28

I really enjoy having sex with my husband. To him my pleasure is even more important than his own.

My ex was sulky and demanding, like yours is, and like you I thought I couldn’t leave. But I did, and it was so well worth it.

Has it occurred to you that you are having sex for money? Is that who you think you are?

pickledandpuzzled · 22/09/2023 11:38

Two things.

Stop having sex you don't want. I'd say, Tell him that you will not have sex until he makes an effort for you to enjoy it, but I think that boat has sailed. It's so hard to forgive someone who has used you for sex with no interest in your pleasure. Could you imagine enjoying sex with him, if he was a wonderful lover? I suspect not.

Secondly, address the situation that has you trapped. What is it? Perhaps people here can help?

pickledandpuzzled · 22/09/2023 11:39

By the way, I was you, though DH wasn't that persistent. We haven't had sex for years. I'm happier with no sex and a stable family, and he appears to have made the same choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2023 11:44

What can you do to limit what you’d lose in a divorce? Is he primary carer for DC or something like that?

Life is too short for either crap sex or staying with a selfish twat.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2023 11:51

What would happen if you actually said

"Because you're selfish in bed and I get zero pleasure from it, I do it because I feel like I have to"

Sundaefraise · 22/09/2023 11:51

You have a cleaner and a full time job, that suggests you are not on the breadline. Is this about him being primary carer of the children or you having to give money to him? If you’ve been to a solicitor that suggests to me that it’s pretty awful, so you need a plan, even if it’s not immediate about how you’re going to get out.

AutumnFroglets · 22/09/2023 11:56

RandomButtons said it.
That ain’t just bad sex that’s a disrespectful and coercive husband.

Is he like that only about sex or other things too? However, just keep saying no to sex. He can find someone else, but honestly, I suspect it adds to his enjoyment seeing you get so upset.

Catsafterme · 22/09/2023 12:12

I mean I don't blame you if you're not interested in sex considering all you're getting is ten minutes here and there which no doubt is only satisfying him. Not only that you're expected to do the work...

You're with someone who is selfish and this will likely not change. Also, coercive by the sounds of it, you are there to please him and when you don't you are guilted.

So, living situation aside you need to weigh up what's more important. Your lifestyle and being treated this way for very little return or a change in lifestyle and the possibility to restart and meet someone who isn't selfish...

It may seem like men are like that because that's what you have always known and it wouldn't be any different elsewhere perhaps and yes a lot of men are like that. Not all of us are though and some of us aren't selfish and enjoy our partners experiencing pleasure more than us and that usually extends to the relationship in general.

In my opinion, I would say fuck it and pull the rip chord even if it meant you can't have your current lifestyle. You could do so much better than living with a selfish, coercive fuckwit like that.

Whereforartthoudave · 22/09/2023 12:16

Tell him you don’t want sex because you aren’t enjoying it. No-one should be guilting you into anything to do with your body.

Goldbar · 22/09/2023 12:22

There must be a way out of this relationship for you, even if it's expensive.

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 22/09/2023 12:25

It's not just the fact that he's bad in bed, it's the fact that he's also an awful person (of which his sexual behaviour is an example of his awfulness but not the limit)
how can you be married to an awful person for the rest of your life?

CinemaCrazy · 22/09/2023 12:28

Have you told him how our like it to be different, do you try changing positions, tell him you aren’t ready yet and don’t do it until you are etc ?

user1481055867 · 22/09/2023 20:56

I have/had an on/off boyfriend like this. He loves me, but there is zero sexual attraction from me, so I understand you 100% when you say you want to cry, I felt like this and wanted it to be over every time. I either closed my eyes or used position where I don’t have to face him. I often wonder what If I was to marry him, he is perfect on paper and nice to me, but doing this for years to come terrifies me, though married friends think it’s acceptable in marriages. We have one life and if you are maybe asexual then not having obligation to have sex with anyone will be a sigh of relief and certainly will make you happier, than having to dread the next time he climbs on top of you while you detest him. Surely marital sex is a homework and not the most exciting thing in the world, but it can’t be so disgusting that you can’t bear it. There are married couples who happily agreed to be a sexless couple in their marriages, if that’s not the case with your partner there will always be that conflict and cloud over you. Lastly, it is not fair to any man when women see sex with them as a torture, but agree to go ahead, that’s ultimate pity sex. There are of course women who would stay for economic & financial reasons and that’s a sacrifice they choose to make. Are you that woman?

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 24/09/2023 21:32

I'm scared of losing mine and my family's money and having to provide him with longterm financial support. Is that awful of me. And carting the kids from home to home. They don't care I have a sex life that makes my skin crawl!

I agree with you that the selfishness is because he's selfish in real life. That's true.

If there were no kids or the money was only mine (aa opposed to my family's) I would be running the hills without a shred of doubt.

I don't feel bad for him @user1481055867 I don't pity him. I'm a coward though I guess.

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 24/09/2023 22:08

It's not always as easy as just leaving but that doesn't mean you can't. I doubt there would be a reason you would have to prop him up financially, that's his lookout just like it would be yours but assets are divided. Depending on care of the children, maintenance too.

Ultimately, you have the choice of continuing as you are and keeping the family together and for money or starting again. I personally wouldn't choose that because you only get one life. The perfect family is an ideal but it's not always the case or possible, family can look and be different versions than what it used to and children can adapt.

You can't expect your children to understand yet but when they get older, they will and maybe they would do the same thing if it was them in your position.

Mirabai · 25/09/2023 10:54

EverydayProcrastination · 24/09/2023 21:32

I agree with you that the selfishness is because he's selfish in real life. That's true.

If there were no kids or the money was only mine (aa opposed to my family's) I would be running the hills without a shred of doubt.

I don't feel bad for him @user1481055867 I don't pity him. I'm a coward though I guess.

Why would you have to support him financially? Is he not working? Does he have a disability?

While ruminate on what to do: For God’s sake stop having sex with him and tell him why.

Uggtrending · 25/09/2023 11:10

How old are you both? Why can't people speak about their sexual needs? I don't understand why this isn't a basic conversation about what you enjoy!

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 14:19

@Mirabai he's not disabled, but he barely works. He left full time work to freelance - but turns out that meant doing very little. I work hard to make sure everything is paid. And the equity in the house is from mu inheritance & savings - quite a big amount - there would be a lot of upset in the family handing over a lot of them to him as he can't afford to buy a house or rent somewhere anymore.

@Uggtrending I have tried. He is very defensive.

OP posts:

fillyjonker · 25/09/2023 14:25

NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah · 22/09/2023 12:25

I was going to say this.

It's not going to get any easier to extricate yourself from him as more time passes. I would do it now. I would also refuse any further sex as you can't carry on like that.

IAmColdAndIHaveACold · 25/09/2023 14:30

It sounds as if you have a lot more to lose by staying than leaving. Having sex that you don't want will destroy your mental health and sense of self in the long run. You sound so unhappy. I can't believe your family would really want you to stay in such an awful situation just for the sake of money.

Sapphire387 · 25/09/2023 14:35

Sorry if this is simplistic but... I think you need to spell it out to him. You won't be having sex with him because it's rubbish. You're not a wank sock.

Sayitaintso33 · 25/09/2023 14:38

In a clumsy, charmless and selfish manner your husband has started the conversation and it is one you need to have, unless you continue to abuse him by allowing him to live a lie too.

Comtesse · 25/09/2023 14:45

Get a better solicitor and try again.

Keep saying NO and mean it.

What exactly is he going to do? Kick you out of your home? You have more power here than you realise.

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