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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put up with terrible sex forever?

98 replies

EverydayProcrastination · 22/09/2023 09:45

My husband is terrible in bed. Selfish, unimaginative, wants to me to do all the work. It's so bad that I feel like crying during it. I try to distract myself but i hate him on top of me.

I try to avoid it and he sulks. I have tried to talk to him but he is defensive and gets upset and sulks and says what a cow i am.

I have a lot to lose in a divorce. Nobody has time for all the details but i've been to a solicitor and i've got myself into a really stupid set up.

I really think i might have to stay with him forever. And maybe we will be ok. We both work, we both have social lives, we got on OK. But the sex may be infrequent (every 3 weeks, lasts for 10 minutes) so I would think I could just tolerate that but i don't know if i can.

Do other people enjoy having sex with their husband? And yes it's always been pretty bad, and yes my lack of self-esteem made me put up with it, but it's got worse and worse to the point where now i shudder thinking about it.

AIBU to think it's manegable? I don't really care about sex. I'd be happy to never have it again. So it's definitely not that I want someone else.

OP posts:

Lavenderlulu · 25/09/2023 14:57

It's only money though, your life is worth more to your family. If they were that bothered they could've asked that you seek financial/legal advice at the time.
Just stop having sex you don't want and ignore his sulking, he doesn't appear to care about your feelings only his own. So he may leave or just find sex elsewhere is that really a bad thing. Are you really planning to just wait until he dies before moving on with your life?

Presumably your kids may still benefit from the family money if inherit from dad later on and it would mean he can't claim poverty and will be able to provide housing to enable visits.

Charlize43 · 25/09/2023 15:03

Have you considered a career change?

Becoming an actress may be the answer... Not for faking orgasms, but for demanding the use of a stand in... or stunt woman if your husband is the vigorous type.

RiderofRohan · 25/09/2023 15:04

Can you buy a vibrator and a few other sex toys? Insist he pleasures you first before getting off himself?

AdamRyan · 25/09/2023 15:06

You need some proper legal advice I think. It doesn't sound like he's going to be in a position to want 50/50 childcare so you can probably make an argument for you to stay in the marital home as the main caregiver. And yes you will lose some of the inheritance but that's marriage. He will get maximum half.

Your family will probably be unsurprised he turns out to be unpleasant and relieved you are financially independent from him.

JudgeRudy · 25/09/2023 15:31

C1N1C · 22/09/2023 09:56

I remember seeing a post recently about 'asexual' women leaving their partners and suddenly finding they're not asexual at all!- they'd just been worn down by years of relationship hardships and crap sex... so all is not lost.

You say he's a bit of a man-child when you raise this, what happens when you say you want some sex designed around your pleasure? Is it half-assed? Is it a flat out no?

There are some very smart people here, what about your situation is hopeless? There must be a way out where you're not royally screwed if that's what you want...

That's a good point. I've not felt particularly 'sexual' for sometime, then something cathartic happened quite recently....and my mojo is back with a vengeance! I've also had 3 'flattering offers' since and have been told I'm giving out vibes. None of the offers were quite right but I've certainly got hope for the future.

JaneyGee · 25/09/2023 15:47

For what it’s worth, I once heard a therapist say that countless women in rubbish relationships feel scared to leave but are glad when they do. They imagine they’ll be lonely, or unable to cope, or whatever. But, she said, when they DO leave their partner, they come into her office glowing, but furious with themselves for not doing it years ago.

It doesn’t even sound as if he’s lovely, and it’s a great relationship, but the sex is rubbish. The sex is rubbish and he’s horrible.

beachstones · 25/09/2023 15:52

You can't keep on having sex like this. You describe it like a psychic violation. It will only get worse.

I would have suggested telling him that you won't be having sex with him but you are happy with him to have an affair. Except affair partners expect good sex, so..

You need to reconsider the divorce option. What can you do to improve your financial situation to make this possible?

beachstones · 25/09/2023 16:00

Ok, read your update.

A divorce would be expensive at the time of the divorce, but you are perfectly able to fund it and to support yourself in the future.

You are in a very enviable position, and very able to divorce. There are many women on this thread who would jump for joy to be in your situation and to be able to escape. Count your considerable blessings.

It is absolutely crazy that you are thinking of letting your body be violated, because that is how you seem to experience it, rather than lose some of that money ( money you didn't even earn, but just inherited). Do you honestly think your Mum would want you to have to submit your body to this man just so that you don't lose some of the money she gave you? I'm sure she'd be appalled at the thought. She's your Mum, she'd want to protect you. And if she wouldn't, her opinion is not worth your consideration.

Chickenkeev · 25/09/2023 16:04

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 14:19

@Mirabai he's not disabled, but he barely works. He left full time work to freelance - but turns out that meant doing very little. I work hard to make sure everything is paid. And the equity in the house is from mu inheritance & savings - quite a big amount - there would be a lot of upset in the family handing over a lot of them to him as he can't afford to buy a house or rent somewhere anymore.

@Uggtrending I have tried. He is very defensive.

It's really important to understand how much it affects kids when there's an atmosphere in the house. You and H need to discuss it but a rubbish atmosphere will help none of you down the line.

Mischance · 25/09/2023 16:05

You are not just a hole to be poked - you are a human being with your own rights and wishes.

I would not have sex with someone who:

calls me a cow
wants sex up against a door when someone is about to arrive
does not consider your needs sexually

Talk to him - tell him sex with him is no fun (at the moment he thinks it is all your fault - you need to disabuse him of that idea). If he is not listening then you do not have to be there, accepting a poke every few weeks through gritted teeth - do you honestly think that is what marriage is about!!??

Anothershitusername · 25/09/2023 16:08

It’s just money ,
you will destroy your mental health having sex u don’t want .
go find a different solicitor
and start planning to leave
the kids will care that you stayed in an unhappy marriage
when they are adults they tell you what they saw ,and they will say ,we would rather you had left him ..
they will

Mirabai · 25/09/2023 17:33

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 14:19

@Uggtrending I have tried. He is very defensive.

So you wouldn’t have to support him as in maintenance but you would have to split the equity in the house. It’s shit but surely a small price to pay to regain your autonomy? Are you really letting him fuck you horribly for the sake of your family’s feelings about money?

I’m guessing there must be more than financial concerns here - do you have very low self esteem? Why would you bankroll someone, let them treat you like shit and then service them sexually as if you were a slave? Is this what you want for your life??

At the very, very least stop fucking him and insist he gets a job.

DonaNobisPacem · 25/09/2023 17:46

Do other people enjoy having sex with their husband?

Absolutely yes. Of course over a long marriage there will be ups and downs but sex between husband and wife is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties and to involve emotional closeness as well as physical pleasure. And what you describe really goes beyond crap sex- it sounds as if you are traumatised and dissociating as a method of self-protection. This isn't something that you can really do long term without it having a fairly major negative effect.

Seriously, the money thing is no reason to stay. For one thing, you are already bankrolling him so frankly you'd be no worse off apart. But more importantly, this is your one life. Is this really how you want to spend it?

Original poster

EverydayProcrastination · 25/09/2023 19:59

@Mirabai honestly I don't know what is going on. With every relationship I meet them, they seem great, and then slowly but surely they become like children, borrow money from me, become lazy, and then increasingly mean, selfish. I seem to be the problem but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't bear to have sex with him forever. I'm in my 30s. He's older. It has always been rubbish sex but now I find it upsetting. Maybe because deep down I don't like him much anymore.

OP posts:

cowgirl42 · 25/09/2023 20:03

Can I ask if he about 40?

Banrion · 25/09/2023 20:05

You're still so young. I really think you should leave him and build a new happy life for yourself. The kids will adjust.

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/09/2023 20:18

You could tell him that you don't want sex with him ever again but that you don't want to divorce.

He's then free to either leave or he can find sex outside the marriage. As you would also be free to do OP. You then rub along as housemates/co-parents.

I know one or two couples who have a similar set up. It's not ideal but it works for them.

EmptyWineGlass · 25/09/2023 20:18

OlizraWiteomQua · 22/09/2023 09:51

Sex without consent is rape. Consent isn't consent if it's reluctant or influenced by worries about money or the need to avoid emotional abuse that will come if you decline (including sulking fits).

You absolutely should not be consenting to sex that is crap, unpleasurable and uncomfortable with a selfish man who doesn't care how miserable its making you. He can get whatever he needs from wanking without inflicting that on you.

This. If you want to cry during it, please just ask to stop. You'd expect your husband to want to stop, too, as soon as he realised you were hating it. If he were any measure of a decent man.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 20:19

Do you want it to get better? Does he? If so, I've heard beducated is good website for couples to watch and learn together x

Mirabai · 25/09/2023 20:27

You’re so young OP! Far too young to be putting up up with this shit. Wasting good years on someone you actively dislike.

I would bite the bullet take the financial hit and move on.

Mirabai · 25/09/2023 20:29

Can I ask why you married him when the sex was rubbish? Did he represent security? What was the original draw?

Sureaseggs44 · 25/09/2023 20:44

You are so young ! I think you really need to think hard about this . Would you want to stay with him if the sex was better or is it the whole picture of your situation that is putting you off ? If it’s the latter then I would be tempted to end it as it sounds like you are carrying him financially . Money is not everything , you have your whole life in front of you .

EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 20:49

Honestly I think now you feel this way about him that even if he upped his game sex wise you'd still have the massive ick and not want him touching you.
I'd also take the financial hit and get on with enjoying my life. You only get one. Don't waste it.

Diamondcurtains · 25/09/2023 20:53

Sex is only a small part of our relationship. I love my husband and he’s an amazing dad. I couldn’t imagine life without him. If sex was bad it wouldn’t be the end of the world. However in your situation you sound like you don’t really like him at all and are only staying because you can’t see a way out so in your situation no I would be gone no matter what.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 25/09/2023 20:55

Change your life: invest some of your money in therapy, and commit to it for at least a year. If you do that, you won't look back.

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