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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly grandparents driving grandchildren

76 replies

Watermelon47 · 22/09/2023 08:31

What are your thoughts on the above?

I have discouraged the above recently because grandparents are now 89 and 85, gf with multiple health problems including a recent heart attack. Despite this they are still pretty active and eat out regularly and go on holiday (coach).

They have kindly agreed to look after dc9 overnight this weekend as we are busy all day, and have offered to drop him home the following evening. This is a 30 minute drive, including dual carriageways but no motorways.

DH accepted their offer of a lift home, despite me being reticent about them driving ds in the past couple of years due to declining health and grandparent reporting declining night vision.

I said that before accepting their offer of driving dc home he should have run it by me first or said that we would collect. This has caused a huge row. Dh is ranting round the house saying it would be a different story if it was my parent (it wouldn’t if mine was same age and same level of health) and is announcing to the dc how unreasonable I am and how don’t trust his parents and that I want him to phone them back and say that we don’t trust them to drive with dc.

He says I am overprotective and ridiculous and that I hate his parents (not true) and is getting the dc onside and getting them all to agree how awful I am and how ungrateful I am. Ironically he has just stormed off in the car with our other dc after nearly crashing into my car in his bad mood like a total man child.

AIBU to be anxious about them driving him home? Should I have just gratefully accepted? Is my anxiety over cautious? Interested to hear people’s views. Honestly I have lost track of rationality after all this……

OP posts:
bluejelly · 22/09/2023 08:33

I'm with you. I wouldn't be happy either.

ModeWeasel · 22/09/2023 08:33

I would put my foot down it’s too big of a risk. Around 1 in 5 people who have had a heart attack will be admitted to hospital with a second one within 5 years. What if he is driving at the time?

Mrsjayy · 22/09/2023 08:34

Yes I think you are being over protective and ridiculous if the gf is fine driving then what's the issue ? I don't think it needed a blow up argument.

IkaBaar · 22/09/2023 08:34

If they aren’t safe to drive your dc they’re not safe to drive at all! There are precious dc and kids in every car and on every pavement.

Maray1967 · 22/09/2023 08:35

No - you’re not wrong. They shouldn’t be driving your DC with those conditions - late 80s, recent heart attack and night vision problems. Your DH would rather risk his DC’s safety than upset his parents. He is a moron.

Zanatdy · 22/09/2023 08:37

No I definitely wouldn’t be happy with this, especially on a dual carriageway way and history of a heart attack. Why on Earth is he bringing the children into this? That’s really horrible and reminds me of my waring parents constantly bringing my brother and I into arguments trying to get us to side with one of them (largely was my mother). That’s completely out of order and I’d be telling him privately that if he’s got an issue with me, he speaks to me privately not like this.

You can’t turn back the clock and wish a different decision had been taken. I really wouldn’t be happy with this and would just insist on picking up the child myself. No need for them to know you are worried about their driving with their age and health condition

ruby1957 · 22/09/2023 08:43

Absolutely not being unreasonable - as a 76 year-old experienced driver I stick to roads I know when driving and avoid night-time as lights on oncoming cars make it uncomfortable.
It will be dark or nearly dark by the evening so unless they are really excellent drivers with 20/20 vision I do not think they are safe.

Dual carriageways are probably worse than motorways as they have side roads entering without warning.

Everybody is in danger if drivers take to the road with less than sufficient ability - especially if heart attacks are in the recent medical history.

ruby1957 · 22/09/2023 08:47

Zanatdy · 22/09/2023 08:37

No I definitely wouldn’t be happy with this, especially on a dual carriageway way and history of a heart attack. Why on Earth is he bringing the children into this? That’s really horrible and reminds me of my waring parents constantly bringing my brother and I into arguments trying to get us to side with one of them (largely was my mother). That’s completely out of order and I’d be telling him privately that if he’s got an issue with me, he speaks to me privately not like this.

You can’t turn back the clock and wish a different decision had been taken. I really wouldn’t be happy with this and would just insist on picking up the child myself. No need for them to know you are worried about their driving with their age and health condition

Edited

I think you need to be honest with them and explain why it is not a good idea - if they love their grandchildren they should understand.
Having said that - some male drivers do not want to admit they are not the super drivers they once were and refuse to take the advice to heart.

Mistressanne · 22/09/2023 08:47

No, I wouldn’t allow dc in a car with elderly, sick people driving. Ridiculous.

My df was a shocking driver and I didn’t allow dc in a car with him when he was 75 and in good health. He once drove so wide around a corner that I told him he should drive in France because at least then he’d be on the correct side of the road!

henrysugar12 · 22/09/2023 08:50

Are they safe to be driving at all?

Mrsjayy · 22/09/2023 08:51

Just say its fine i/we will pick him up let your husband rant you don't need to tell his grandparents anything no matter how "gently" you tell them you don't think he's safe in the car. This doesn't need to be a huge drama.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 22/09/2023 09:09

I had a difficult conversation with my Mum about this. She did eventually give up driving.
I'd be as worried about your DHs infantile reaction tbh.
I'd call grandparents and invent a reason to collect them.

AnnaMagnani · 22/09/2023 09:10

Declining night vision - shouldn't be driving in the dark.

Driving after a heart attack- shouldn't drive for 4 weeks and only start again when you have been told it is safe to do so.

And insurance should be informed of all their medical conditions.

I think it's unlikely they are safe to drive and they are effectively driving uninsured.

sleepyscientist · 22/09/2023 09:14

What are they driving? Something like an X5 or Qashqai with lane assist and automatic breaking fine the current trend for OAPs to have a fiat 500 nope and I wouldn't want them driving it either.

I don't necessarily think old people should be taken off the road at the end of the day a 30 something can have an unexpected MI or a younger driver can have poor eyesight. It's more about having an appropriate car to protect and assist

notahappybunny7 · 22/09/2023 09:18

IkaBaar · 22/09/2023 08:34

If they aren’t safe to drive your dc they’re not safe to drive at all! There are precious dc and kids in every car and on every pavement.

Very true, but how is the op going to stop them?

MatildaTheCat · 22/09/2023 09:22

I wouldn’t be happy about your DH driving off in a rage with your child. That’s unsafe.

I would point out that as well as the health issues the GPS will probably be exhausted after having a nine year old all weekend and it’s just common decency to insist on collecting your child.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 22/09/2023 09:24

Prob one of the only things ex and I agreed on was dc never getting in the car with his dps.. His dm use to wear glasses.... To help fil with the driving.. It was bonkers... And mil never got out of second gear.

AnnaMagnani · 22/09/2023 09:30

Younger driver can have poor eyesight - my DH has poor eyesight and as a result does not drive.

Putting someone with poor eyesight of any age in an SUV is putting them in charge of a lethal weapon.

Cinateel · 22/09/2023 09:50

I'm in my 70s and I wouldn't want to be driven by them!

JRM17 · 23/09/2023 06:11

I work for the police and advise strongly that if you feel they are a danger to your child then they are also a danger to the public so please report them to the DVLA and the local police force and social services and have their licence removed - If you feel this is "a bit much" then I'm with you husband and you need to decide where you stand.

abs12 · 23/09/2023 06:19

You're being ageist. They sound amazing.

Papillon23 · 23/09/2023 06:20

JRM17 · 23/09/2023 06:11

I work for the police and advise strongly that if you feel they are a danger to your child then they are also a danger to the public so please report them to the DVLA and the local police force and social services and have their licence removed - If you feel this is "a bit much" then I'm with you husband and you need to decide where you stand.

I agree with this. They may well be unsafe to drive. If that's the case you need to take action to stop them driving.

abs12 · 23/09/2023 06:20

There has been no evidence of them being a danger. Sit down. You're completely discriminating. If they can drive amd are comfortable, trust goes a long way....

fartfacenotfatface · 23/09/2023 06:23

I would be nervous yes, but equally, I would not expect a couple well into their 80s with health issues to have sole charge of a 9 year old. It's a big ask.

PerfectMatch · 23/09/2023 06:26

I think you're being over protective. I wouldn't prevent the my parents (similar ages to your PILs) from driving my child. I agree with pp that if they're not safe to drive your child they shouldn't be driving at all!

it does sound like your DH has overreacted though.

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