Elderly grandparents driving grandchildren

[Watermelon47]

What are your thoughts on the above?

I have discouraged the above recently because grandparents are now 89 and 85, gf with multiple health problems including a recent heart attack. Despite this they are still pretty active and eat out regularly and go on holiday (coach).

They have kindly agreed to look after dc9 overnight this weekend as we are busy all day, and have offered to drop him home the following evening. This is a 30 minute drive, including dual carriageways but no motorways.

DH accepted their offer of a lift home, despite me being reticent about them driving ds in the past couple of years due to declining health and grandparent reporting declining night vision.

I said that before accepting their offer of driving dc home he should have run it by me first or said that we would collect. This has caused a huge row. Dh is ranting round the house saying it would be a different story if it was my parent (it wouldn’t if mine was same age and same level of health) and is announcing to the dc how unreasonable I am and how don’t trust his parents and that I want him to phone them back and say that we don’t trust them to drive with dc.

He says I am overprotective and ridiculous and that I hate his parents (not true) and is getting the dc onside and getting them all to agree how awful I am and how ungrateful I am. Ironically he has just stormed off in the car with our other dc after nearly crashing into my car in his bad mood like a total man child.

AIBU to be anxious about them driving him home? Should I have just gratefully accepted? Is my anxiety over cautious? Interested to hear people’s views. Honestly I have lost track of rationality after all this……

Yes but presumably OP can't force them not to drive at all.
I got in the car with my dad recently, never again. I'm truly surprised he didn't cause an accident. Since then I have told him he should stop driving but he won't.
Like OP though, absolutely no way would I let my DCs in the car with him. His health is okay but he's 80 and obviously not a good driver.

You are only concerned because your own DC is involved.
What about all the other times the grandparent is on the road and risking someone's life?

I was that person who made the appointment for MIL with the GP and removed her keys.
It caused a big rift with BIL who told me we won't be renewing her license nextyear, I said no, she shouldn't be driving right now and I'm not waiting until next year. What if she caused an accident!.

Thankfully the GP agreed and her keys were removed.
The discussion with her was very difficult (DH and BIL had this with her).

I don't get this.
You are okay for him to risk others so long as your own DC is safe!

I’m more concerned by your husbands reaction. All that shouting, storming around, pulling children into it, driving off in a rage: does he often do this? It sounds completely out of proportion, unless there is some back story you haven’t shared. This is only one of many difficult conversations / decisions you’ll have to have with him over the years - do they always end up like this?

Have you reported them to the dvla as unsafe to drive? Is your dc badly behaved in the car?

What makes you qualified to judge their driving? Heart attack is not a reportable condition to the dvla by the way.

I’d be more concerned about your DHs temper and road rage personally.

and is announcing to the dc how unreasonable I am and how don’t trust his parents and that I want him to phone them back and say that we don’t trust them to drive with dc.

This is completely unacceptable.

You talk about both grandparents, is it the one with a heart problem and failing night vision that would be driving?

It's a tricky balance. My mother is in her 80s, just moved back to the UK (rural). Before she moved she was giving lifts to a friend's children in a busy city - she's basically been a surrogate grandmother since their own granny (a close friend of my mother) died a few years back. Her driving licence has been conditional on annual reports from her cardiologist and ophthalmologist for several years.

She commented the other day on the excessive brightness of current headlights (see numerous threads on here where many of us notice this!) - and the additional problem of angles when country roads are so uneven - and will be restricting her evening and night driving as much as possible although this may create issues in the winter. Thinking about it, she tried not to drive into the centre of her previous city for evening events for the last several years.

I'm happy she's still a safe driver, but would try to avoid putting her in a position where she felt she had to drive at night. The difference you have here is that they have offered. And you have major issues of communication between you and your DH and his parents. Good luck finding a way to navigate this one, hope you can.

Have they informed the DVLA of their health conditions as they may have give up the licences on health grounds.

I think you are right .
Your husband sounds a prat though , he should be as concerned as you over his child's safety

I wouldn’t like it either, it’s not about trust, it’s about should a medical event occur, doesn’t bare thinking about, our kids are so precious and it’s our duty to protect them. I would put my foot down on this. Good luck OP.

It all comes down to the quality of driving. My grandfather was a terrible driver as he aged and I always offered to drive. He got quite offended but my children were young and I didn’t want the risk.
My mum is old now but her driving is fine.
Each case is different, I think.

This! Involving children in your argument and trying to alienate them against you is abusive behaviour and incredibly damaging for the children

Either they’re fit enough to drive, in which case YABU. Or if they are not fit enough to drive then you need to be contacting the DVLA and the police etc to start the process of them having licenses removed.

It’s not just about whether they’re putting your DC at risk, but other road users too.

Have they informed their insurers of their health conditions?

My FIL had a heart attack recently and it never occurred to me to not let him drive DC. He’s been cleared as fit to drive by the doctor so that’s enough for me.

It's the decling night vision that would make it a no for me. I would just tell them that it's probably best you pick your child up because of that. Maybe offer to drive over and take them out to tea as a thank you or something. Or say you would like to go out in the evening and would they be able to have them another night and you pick up in the morning?

My Granny drove me around well into her 80s but had no vision problems. She was able to recognise herself when she should stop.

So they are perfectly safe on the road to drive but that all chabhes once kids are in the car? They are ok to be used for childcare but their are restrictions on what they are allowed to do or not?

You can report anonymously to the DVLA if necessary - it sounds like they shouldn't be on the road.

I wouldn't let them drive but I don't let my DM drive DD and she's ten years younger than these parents! Can they really cope with a child overnight? This is what made me put my foot down, DM wouldn't be able to cope/be exhausted with the child, then to drive on top of that.

If they have trouble driving in low light conditions then they simply don't drive then and have to plan their day around that - we have put a stop to that. It's harder in the winter but no point putting anyone's life at risk. You can't pick and choose that sometimes you'll drive in the evening - it's often early cataracts that cause the lights to be dazzling and make it so hard.

Surely you don't just mean poor eyesight? This is corrected by contacts or glasses.

They are either safe to be driving or not - having your dc in the car is a red herring, if they aren't safe to be on the road they could cause an accident involving someone else's dc!

As horrible as it is, many children have to force parents to quit driving fir the safety of others.

Either they’re fit enough to drive, in which case YABU. Or if they are not fit enough to drive then you need to be contacting the DVLA and the police etc to start the process of them having licenses removed

This.

My grandad is 77 and still drives a lot. I think that's fine, but I think mid to late 80s is too old. Your FIL's reflexes can't be good at 89.

@AnnaMagnani my eye sight isn't great (late 20s) but it's great when I wear my contact lenses. Should people who need glasses or contact lenses be banned from driving?

I agree with Wandawonder that if they’re not safe enough to drive your kids, they’re not safe enough to be driving at all and you should report them to DVLA if their health prevents them from driving safely.

Aside from the safety issue, I think you should be collecting your child anyway, given that your elderly in laws are doing you a big favour.

Separately to that, your husband’s reaction is of concern to say the least.

There are a lot of older people who push it with driving. I suspect an 89 year old with health issues is going to be in the problem zone. My granny was driving until 85, as sharp as a bell and no problems but as soon as she started to feel even a tiny bit less able she stopped. My dad has stopped recently at 80 on the basis he could feel his skills deteriorating and didn’t want to risk hurting anyone else. He could have probably continued but he had an open and honest chat with his GP and decided it was better to stop too soon than leave it too late and cause an accident.

I think in a lot of cases people should be stopping before they absolutely have to as the risks of something going badly wrong are catastrophic.

Not allowing DM to drive DCs was part of persuading her to give up driving altogether.

Over time she had become less precise in her driving (clipping curbs, wing mirrors etc), less observant, less considerate.

On the whole it does seem to be easier to persuade women to give up driving than men.

If they aren't in good health that you don't want them driving they are in good health to care for your child. They could fall ill at any time.

My father is 90 and still drives. One of our friends was 90 when he stopped driving from Devon to Lincolnshire but still drove within the county. If you don't think he is capable of driving your children, you need to inform the DVLA. And yes, they do check.