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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly grandparents driving grandchildren

76 replies

Watermelon47 · 22/09/2023 08:31

What are your thoughts on the above?

I have discouraged the above recently because grandparents are now 89 and 85, gf with multiple health problems including a recent heart attack. Despite this they are still pretty active and eat out regularly and go on holiday (coach).

They have kindly agreed to look after dc9 overnight this weekend as we are busy all day, and have offered to drop him home the following evening. This is a 30 minute drive, including dual carriageways but no motorways.

DH accepted their offer of a lift home, despite me being reticent about them driving ds in the past couple of years due to declining health and grandparent reporting declining night vision.

I said that before accepting their offer of driving dc home he should have run it by me first or said that we would collect. This has caused a huge row. Dh is ranting round the house saying it would be a different story if it was my parent (it wouldn’t if mine was same age and same level of health) and is announcing to the dc how unreasonable I am and how don’t trust his parents and that I want him to phone them back and say that we don’t trust them to drive with dc.

He says I am overprotective and ridiculous and that I hate his parents (not true) and is getting the dc onside and getting them all to agree how awful I am and how ungrateful I am. Ironically he has just stormed off in the car with our other dc after nearly crashing into my car in his bad mood like a total man child.

AIBU to be anxious about them driving him home? Should I have just gratefully accepted? Is my anxiety over cautious? Interested to hear people’s views. Honestly I have lost track of rationality after all this……

OP posts:
OkNatureGotMe · 23/09/2023 08:09

I’m not defending your husband. However, could it be that he’s secretly stressed about seeing his parents age and this triggered something in him?

You know him and we don’t. So only you know if this is out of character.

sjj28358 · 23/09/2023 08:15

Only you know how good or bad their everyday driving is. The fact that DH isn't worried suggests it's probably fine. I would be ok with my DF or DFIL driving my kids; they're in their 80s but drive well. My mum (70s) not so much .

The chances of anyone actually having a heart attack at the wheel while they're driving your child is pretty minuscule, even with his of heart problems. Your kids are just as likely to be hit by someone else having suffered one, or a drunk driver etc, while they're walking home from school or while they're being driven by you or DP. I think here you are not being proportionate.

MidnightEagle · 23/09/2023 08:15

No I wouldn't be happy about that. Encourage your in laws to contact the DVLA and arrange for the necessary assessments. At least if they pass the DVLA requirements it might give you piece of mind. If they won't contact the DVLA, then you need to report them anonymously.

Increasinglyfrazzledteacher · 23/09/2023 08:20

I’m relieved that my dad was self-aware about his driving ability while in his eighties. First he stopped driving at night, then he started limiting his journeys to routes that he knew extremely well. Eventually, he opted to stop driving altogether. It meant we avoided some very difficult conversations.

Thankyouthankyoujellybean · 23/09/2023 08:25

I'm sorry to say that my grandfather died in a car accident that he caused in his late eighties. He also had a heart condition, but it was nothing to do with that, just ageing eyesight and slow reactions.

grayhairdontcare · 23/09/2023 08:33

They are either safe to drive or not!
It's really as simple as this

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/09/2023 08:38

Your DH's reaction is the biggest worry to me. He's is way out of order. Does he do that sort of thing often?

As to taking their licences away, maybe they need to just not drive at night and they're fine in the day. I'd phone them and say that you'll pick the kids up. You don't have to say their driving is a problem, just that it's not a nice drive for anyone at night and you're grateful for them having DC in the first place so they shouldn't have to do the drive.

Soontobe60 · 23/09/2023 08:41

fartfacenotfatface · 23/09/2023 06:23

I would be nervous yes, but equally, I would not expect a couple well into their 80s with health issues to have sole charge of a 9 year old. It's a big ask.

Don’t be ridiculous!

cheezncrackers · 23/09/2023 08:42

YANBU. I remember being terrified being driven by my Grandad when he was in his 80s. He was a terrible driver by that point. My other Grandad had cataracts in both eyes and continued to drive long after he should've had his licence taken away - he'd literally reverse out of his driveway onto the main road while using his rear view mirror only - it was lethal! The thing is that unless someone rings the DVLA and reports a dangerous elderly driver, they just carry on, if that's what they want to do.

MaPaSpa · 23/09/2023 08:52

If they’re of such Ill health and you think they may have another heart attack, is leaving them with a 9 year old over night the best idea?

cptartapp · 23/09/2023 08:56

My DM's elderly (80) partner used to drive my DC short distances quite frequently. Never a blemish on his record, never a concern. Perfectly fit and compus mentus.
One day he 'lost concentration' whilst out in the car with my DM. He drifted into oncoming traffic and killed her and another woman in a head on collision. Couldn't remember a thing about it.
Don't allow it.

Ladybug14 · 23/09/2023 08:57

Increasinglyfrazzledteacher · 23/09/2023 08:20

I’m relieved that my dad was self-aware about his driving ability while in his eighties. First he stopped driving at night, then he started limiting his journeys to routes that he knew extremely well. Eventually, he opted to stop driving altogether. It meant we avoided some very difficult conversations.

Absolutely

Dad put himself through a driving test at age 86 and was found to be an unsafe driver

He was an elderly gentleman who liked 'authority' to tell him what to do 🙂

Sold his car and used buses after that (unless we drove him)

Wonderful man 😍

Fushia123 · 23/09/2023 09:02

When I was in a similar position I was also unsure about my Dd in the car with elderly parents. My advice to you would be to go and pick your child up from their house. No drama needed and if they have looked after him to help you out then they shouldn’t be doing the half hour drop of run as well.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 23/09/2023 09:05

My own parents are like this. I am not happy for them to drive my DC. Recently they collected a poorly DC from their school when I was at work. School hadn’t tried to call me, went straight for the GP’s!

All was well, but I had a mini panic. I don’t want it to happen again. I feel awful saying it to my parents.

I also won’t let my PIL drive the DC either as they are very elderly and have memory issues. That’s not my problem that’s DH’s to tackle.

Cognitivedisonance · 23/09/2023 09:11

I’d not want that to happen. The British, working class, raised by my grandparents effect would make me not want to offend them and avoid all risk of confrontation too. Which is why I’d invent a marketplace purchase within 5 minutes of their house which was something that required me to view before handing the money over. So since I was in the area anyway I’d be collecting them myself… pop to theirs, quick brew, then off to examine fictitious item on the way home. Take flowers for the old lady too. Tell DH to get a grip and stop being so sniffy when you’re just concerned about DC safety.

JaninaDuszejko · 23/09/2023 09:33

MIL has been an awful driver since I first met her 30 years ago (she's in her late 80s now) and I've always refused to be driven by her and so it was easy to extend that to the DC as well. We very much frame it as 'oh no, our car is much bigger and more comfortable, we'll drive'. She no longer drives at night or on routes she doesn't know well, I think she shouldn't drive any more but DH worries she'd become isolated if she e.g. couldn't drive herself to church. It's hard because life without a car is so limiting and she won't move to be closer to us so we can help.

But I can't help thinking that if the PILs really are as decrepit as @Watermelon47 suggests then they shouldn't be looking after a 9yo for the day either and she needs to stop expecting babysitting favours.

Flossflower · 23/09/2023 09:46

IkaBaar · 22/09/2023 08:34

If they aren’t safe to drive your dc they’re not safe to drive at all! There are precious dc and kids in every car and on every pavement.

Totally agree with this. We should bring in assessments for people over 70. Note I am over 70 (just). This need not be done by the government. The organisation and tests could be provided by insurance companies before they insure you.
We will not drive our grandchildren on motorways or other fast roads. Our car does have intelligent features, automatic stop etc but I will not be driving around in my late 80s.

Cowlover89 · 23/09/2023 09:47

I wouldn't be happy with this x

piscofrisco · 23/09/2023 11:23

I stopped my parents driving my kids around about 8 years ago. By dad is 94 for context and my mum 79. They are awful drivers, they have health and sight problems and they shouldn't be on the road at all. In fact *someone might have recently raised concerns with the DVLA re my Dad.
My parents believe, wrongly, that they are perfectly safe. It caused a huge argument between me and them. But I didn't budge and nor would I. So YANBU.

That said, when I stopped my parents driving my kids I accepted it meant me driving more. So you should go and get them.

LlynTegid · 23/09/2023 11:55

Given the heart condition mentioned, I agree with you OP.

Everyone should be having regular health assessments who has a driving licence in my opinion, not just those of the age mentioned.

CinemaCrazy · 23/09/2023 11:59

I wouldn’t be happy with the driving situation or them looking after a DC.

Mags3003 · 23/09/2023 16:22

If they are not safe driving, why are you thinking it's ok to leave children with them ? Sorry I agree with your husband, DVLA think it's ok for them to drive, how many accidents have they had ?

Emeraldrings · 23/09/2023 19:54

ZekeZeke · 23/09/2023 06:35

I don't get this.
You are okay for him to risk others so long as your own DC is safe!

Show quote history

No I'm not okay with it but I can't physically stop him. I managed to get him to the GP who was worse than useless so he carries on
Thankfully he only drives about once a week but I'm still dreading hearing that he's hurt himself or someone else.
Nowhere did I say it was okay but I can only protect my DC.

Manthide · 23/09/2023 20:56

My parents are 80 and 81, in relatively good health, both drive but df does the lion share. They recently took dd3(15) and ds (20) away for a week in France driving there and back. I wouldn't have been comfortable if dm had been driving as she has had some recent health issues and admits her night vision isn't too good. She only drives locally and in well lit areas. It is difficult as sometimes they don't realise their own limitations. I tend not to rely on them as much as I did with my elder 2dd who are both in their 30s as I think it may be too much for them.

ZekeZeke · 23/09/2023 20:57

Emeraldrings · 23/09/2023 19:54

No I'm not okay with it but I can't physically stop him. I managed to get him to the GP who was worse than useless so he carries on
Thankfully he only drives about once a week but I'm still dreading hearing that he's hurt himself or someone else.
Nowhere did I say it was okay but I can only protect my DC.

Show quote history

You can report him, remove his car keys, sit down and speak with him.
If you know he is unsafe to drive he shouldn't be driving.
I've been there! I've removed the keys. I've been the baddie. However, someone needed to be the baddie otherwise MIL could have killed someone.

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