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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hand back sweets given to child?

84 replies

BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 21:33

I have 2 children and a friend of my ex partner has 2 that are close in age. The two oldest get on well and are very similar. Since I’ve had my second I’ve felt the mum has been quite dismissive of him. She will encourage her two to play with my oldest but never my youngest son. As my youngest has got older he’s started to notice he’s left out.
i try to say things like all play together etc but she never backs me up.
last week we met and up her oldest excitedly gave me oldest a lollipop. My youngest (5) asked if he had one but turns out the mum had bought 3, two for her children and my oldest: there was no explanation to why and she didn’t seem to care she’d excluded one child. My oldest was confused and my youngest quite upset. She knew he’d be there.

I took the lolly and thanked her son but said we couldn’t accept as it’s unfair on his brother.

My children’s father says i should have just left it and accepted it. What would you have done?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 21/09/2023 21:34

Same as you and I would be rethinking the relationship

Pottomous2 · 21/09/2023 21:35

I wouldn’t keep putting my son through this. Stop seeing this woman. She is clearly vile. I would have given her back the lolly and a piece of my mind as well - who leaves out a young child like that ?! Nasty.

Coffeaddict · 21/09/2023 21:36

I would rethink the friendship.

Dick move to purposely exclude 1 child Jesus just get an extra lolly

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/09/2023 21:37

What kind of person brings treats for three kids when they know there'll be four there? Nasty.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/09/2023 21:37

She's a friend of the Ex, not yours. Time to distance yourself and don't meet anymore.

BettyBoomer · 21/09/2023 21:38

She sounds nasty and I would’ve done the same as you and handed it back.

can I ask - who is the Dad of the youngest? Sounds like she is deliberately leaving him out because he isn’t your ex’s child.

she is a friend of your ex, not yours and is being deliberately nasty to your youngest. Don’t see her again would be my advice

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 21:40

Same father.

They all go to a club together which is why we need to see her

OP posts:
Huwipulotu · 21/09/2023 21:45

Fucking hell she’s a cunt. Avoid. Life will be better.

CmonYouKnow · 21/09/2023 21:49

I voted YABU to keep putting your youngest son through that.

TawnyLarue · 21/09/2023 21:51

Wow no that’s ridiculous.

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 21:58

Thanks all. Felt bad for her son but after years of thinking I was paranoid it confirmed it for me. I’m looking for a way to avoid contact without disruption to their activities.

OP posts:
Pleaseme · 21/09/2023 22:01

I think she doesn't see your second as her kids friend. To her he's just a child who tags along to his older siblings playdate.

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 22:04

I agree and if she wasn’t encouraging a friendship with my oldest and BOTH her children that wound be fine.

They attend a club together so not a play date. you could say her younger child is the tag along but I’d never exclude him,

OP posts:
caringcarer · 21/09/2023 22:29

She sounds really nasty. A decent person would include all the DC. I'd give her a miss.

Nagado · 22/09/2023 05:50

BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 21:40

Same father.

They all go to a club together which is why we need to see her

So your ex is also her ex? And father to all the DC? Or just the eldest two? If he’s the father of your youngest DC, I wonder whether there was some overlap between you and she’s feeling quite resentful of your youngest? No wonder he’s telling you to overlook it; he’s just thinking about what’s easiest for him.

I think I’d just let the kids do their own thing while they’re at the club. They’re of an age where they’ll seek each other out if they’re doing the same activity. Put some distance between you and her. If she doesn’t like it then it’s her issue. Not yours.

MintJulia · 22/09/2023 06:04

I'd have said to both mine in front of her 'well, you can't share a lollipop. Let's go and get another, so you have one each' and then headed to the nearest shop, leaving her standing.

Make her dc feel the inconvenience of having to wait around while you put the situation right.

NotAllWhoWanderAreLost · 22/09/2023 06:06

Call her out on her behaviour.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 22/09/2023 06:11

Nope! I would not be seeing them outside of the group anymore. What a nasty piece of work.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 22/09/2023 06:13

Nagado · 22/09/2023 05:50

So your ex is also her ex? And father to all the DC? Or just the eldest two? If he’s the father of your youngest DC, I wonder whether there was some overlap between you and she’s feeling quite resentful of your youngest? No wonder he’s telling you to overlook it; he’s just thinking about what’s easiest for him.

I think I’d just let the kids do their own thing while they’re at the club. They’re of an age where they’ll seek each other out if they’re doing the same activity. Put some distance between you and her. If she doesn’t like it then it’s her issue. Not yours.

Show quote history

I think the OP meant both her children have the same father who is the ex so it's not a thing that the woman only likes the eldest because she is mates with his dad.

FootprintsOnTheCeiling · 22/09/2023 06:17

I’d be glad she hadn’t given my 5 year old a lollipop, and I would have said no to my older child. Cavities on a stick.

ittakes2 · 22/09/2023 06:21

I think that is wrong and rude and you did the right thing - but I am guessing your youngest is a lot younger than the others - its OK for your older child to have friends who are not friends with your youngest.

Sceptre86 · 22/09/2023 07:23

How old is your youngest and would it ne a choking hazard? I've bought one for my nephew who is 9 and not his 2 year old sister before but then I did get her something more age appropriate instead. I wouldn't purposefully exclude her.

If she was thoughtless I wouldn't take it to heart but if she has been excluding your child for a prolonged period it's time to end the friendship.

HappiDaze · 22/09/2023 07:36

She's a gaslighting, nasty bully

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 09:25

Children are 8&5. Same as her kids. I don’t plan to see her but kids have a weekly club together - 2 oldest and 2 youngest are together. My ex and I aren’t on good terms due to DV and I’ve always found it odd she stuck by him but we’ve never openly discussed it . I do wonder if he’s meddled in some way but at the end of the day they’re innocent kids

There was a situation last year when her oldest had a party and only my oldest invited. Didn’t bother me as they are good friends. A few months later I had a party for my older son and invited her oldest child. She replied to ask why younger son not asked. I was stunned - she didn’t ask my younger one so why would I ask her one? She seems very keen for the 3 boys to be besties.

OP posts:
OnLockdown · 22/09/2023 10:00

That's really weird given that her youngest and your youngest are the same age! I'd have to ask her what her problem is. If she tries to deny it, give specific examples like the lollipop and the party invite.