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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hand back sweets given to child?

84 replies

BoyMamma2 · 21/09/2023 21:33

I have 2 children and a friend of my ex partner has 2 that are close in age. The two oldest get on well and are very similar. Since I’ve had my second I’ve felt the mum has been quite dismissive of him. She will encourage her two to play with my oldest but never my youngest son. As my youngest has got older he’s started to notice he’s left out.
i try to say things like all play together etc but she never backs me up.
last week we met and up her oldest excitedly gave me oldest a lollipop. My youngest (5) asked if he had one but turns out the mum had bought 3, two for her children and my oldest: there was no explanation to why and she didn’t seem to care she’d excluded one child. My oldest was confused and my youngest quite upset. She knew he’d be there.

I took the lolly and thanked her son but said we couldn’t accept as it’s unfair on his brother.

My children’s father says i should have just left it and accepted it. What would you have done?

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 10:05

The unreasonable thing you're doing here is continuing to see this awful woman.

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 11:51

ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 10:05

The unreasonable thing you're doing here is continuing to see this awful woman.

Not seeing her means removing my kids from a club they love. The younger ones only started this summer when I’ve noticed it more .

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 22/09/2023 11:57

I’d give it back but I’d also have explained exactly why to my older child and that I would expect him to do the same for his brother. Does your youngest have additional needs? I have one child with AN and have had people do this to us. It’s not acceptable in our family so we just say so.

Whataretheodds · 22/09/2023 12:02

Have you not asked why?

Whataretheodds · 22/09/2023 12:03

Also, is your children's father the ex who committed DV against you? If so I wouldn't be taking parenting tips from him.

Notthisagainpart2 · 22/09/2023 12:11

How did she react? Did she seem to understand?

Bbq1 · 22/09/2023 12:25

FootprintsOnTheCeiling · 22/09/2023 06:17

I’d be glad she hadn’t given my 5 year old a lollipop, and I would have said no to my older child. Cavities on a stick.

Ever heard of toothbrushes?

JingsMahBucket · 22/09/2023 16:32

Jesus. What a terrible fucking person. Even if I didn’t like a kid because I thought they were a little jerk, I would still ensure to have enough candy to go around.

Combined with the fact that she sided with your abusive ex, it’s enough to surmise that she’s not a deep thinker and is very literal.

Curseofthenation · 22/09/2023 16:39

She doesn't sound very nice. You did the right thing.

Please tell me you didn't invite her youngest child to your eldest's party in the end...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/09/2023 16:43

She sounds horrible. I would cut down seeing her go the bare minimum that’s unavoidable if you’re doing the club

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 17:27

Notthisagainpart2 · 22/09/2023 12:11

How did she react? Did she seem to understand?

She avoided eye contact and scurried away.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 17:30

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/09/2023 11:57

I’d give it back but I’d also have explained exactly why to my older child and that I would expect him to do the same for his brother. Does your youngest have additional needs? I have one child with AN and have had people do this to us. It’s not acceptable in our family so we just say so.

No, he’s not got additional needs and is a lovely little boy. He's high energy for sure but never done anything bad to either of her kids. He’s tries his best to join in bless him.

OP posts:
TheLightProgramme · 22/09/2023 17:33

Are they all boys? Its not some stupid thing where 3 are boys and she's being sexist and expecting to exclude a girl?

Olika · 22/09/2023 17:44

There was a situation last year when her oldest had a party and only my oldest invited. Didn’t bother me as they are good friends. A few months later I had a party for my older son and invited her oldest child. She replied to ask why younger son not asked. I was stunned - she didn’t ask my younger one so why would I ask her one? She seems very keen for the 3 boys to be besties.

This makes it even worse and weird. Personally I would ask her about it as you cannot keep this to continue as your younger is realising it.

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 18:15

TheLightProgramme · 22/09/2023 17:33

Are they all boys? Its not some stupid thing where 3 are boys and she's being sexist and expecting to exclude a girl?

All boys. My son is the youngest but not by much.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/09/2023 18:31

When did you split from the ex? I think he might have told her a horrible lie about how you cheated and youngest isn't his, or you lied about being on the pill and got pregnant to make him stay when he didn't want another.

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/09/2023 18:41

Well I’d be very firm from now on but also have a very blunt talk with her. She’s behaving like an absolute dick. I grew up with a highly favoured and personally I would not stand for that shit a minute more. How on Earth do you think your little boy is understanding this? His conclusion is likely to be that he is less.

autienotnaughty · 22/09/2023 18:44

Does your ex see the kids? Has he ever said to her that youngest might not be his?

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 22/09/2023 21:15

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/09/2023 18:31

When did you split from the ex? I think he might have told her a horrible lie about how you cheated and youngest isn't his, or you lied about being on the pill and got pregnant to make him stay when he didn't want another.

Possibly. Youngest was conceived with fertility treatment due to issues on ex part. He didn’t handle the medical results well and struggled to bond. As far as I’m aware no one is aware of the treatment at his request. Dr said natural conception was a miracle with oldest. If anything I’d expect him to doubt his paternity.

if that is the reason I’m even more disgusted as my son is just a little boy and doesn’t deserve that crap.

OP posts:
CrazyHamsterLady · 22/09/2023 21:19

I would have done the same 💯 if it was my girls.

Underestimated4 · 23/09/2023 14:25

Maybe her parenting involves not allowing her kids at 5 to have lollipops so that’s why. Although it does seem harsh.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/09/2023 14:45

I'd have done exactly the same as you.

Next time you take your boys to the activity, once all four are engaged in the activity I'd be pulling her to one side and getting to the bottom of her prejudice against your youngest. She'd be left in no doubt that I would no longer be putting up with her leaving him out.

Original poster
BoyMamma2 · 23/09/2023 14:45

Underestimated4 · 23/09/2023 14:25

Maybe her parenting involves not allowing her kids at 5 to have lollipops so that’s why. Although it does seem harsh.

Then why give her own 5 year old 🙄

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 15:35

BoyMamma2 · 23/09/2023 14:45

Then why give her own 5 year old 🙄

Show quote history

What is your Ex's relationship like with his children?

And how did he know you gave the lolly back?

starfishmummy · 23/09/2023 15:36

I think it's fine for the children to have different friends and that just because the two oldest seem to get on, doesn't mean thst the youngest two have to or that all of them need to be included on all occasions.

BUT surely the respective parents woukd be doscussing this when they make arrangements to meet up, parties etc.

And I'd always but treats for everyone!

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