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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it possible to raise 2 children with under 2 years ago gap without family support

79 replies

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 14:11

I have an under 2 year old DC and people are suggesting it's the best age gap to have children. We don't have any extended family who can support us. DH and I think it's impossible to bring up two under 3s without losing our sanity and without any help. Having one DC did put us under lot of stress, PND and lots of arguments causing rift in the early stage of DC's baby days. We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting. AIBU?

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 21/09/2023 14:14

Yes it is possible, is it for you? Doesn't sound like it. Don't have a baby because other people think it's a good idea. There is nothing wrong with a family of 3.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/09/2023 14:14

I managed it. I worked part time and had a child minder on those days, but moved countries with no family around.

DomesticElf · 21/09/2023 14:15

I have 2 under 3, no family support other than DH, and we both work full time (well, I'm now on mat leave, but will be returning full time after a year). I'm 2 months in and it's very doable so far. Hectic but doable. The key for us is being able to send older one to nursery. Mine goes two days a week while I'm on mat leave, but in retrospect I would have increased the number of days to 3-4.

Crunchingleaf · 21/09/2023 14:15

Two under two here. I only have elderly relatives nearby who aren’t able to look after them. My DH’s parents are deceased. No siblings or anyone else to take them for an overnight to give us a break. Somehow we are surviving and still a tight unit. We are getting tough years over and done with

Luno · 21/09/2023 14:15

I did it. Hard work but I never expected help so didn't miss it.

YouveGotAFastCar · 21/09/2023 14:17

If you want to stick to one child; I'd do that, regardless of what your friends are saying. Everyone will always encourage you to have more children. People like babies, especially if they don't have to do the difficult bits!

2 under 2 with no childcare is possible, but it doesn't sound like it'd be a great idea for you.

MidnightOnceMore · 21/09/2023 14:17

Of course it is possible. Whether it is what you want to do, knowing your own circs, is a different question.

Original poster

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 14:17

Also, wanted to add we both work full-time and DC goes to nursery.

OP posts:

Matilda1981 · 21/09/2023 14:19

I’ve had 2 lots of 2 under 2 with a 5 year gap between the two sets of that makes sense. It’s definitely doable - it’s manageable if the toddler sleeps well, hard work if it doesn’t!! Having a partner who’s helpful in the evenings and is happy for you to have an hour or so’s peace every now and again is useful as it’s monotonous unless you have some time away from them!!!! It’s hard work but so worth it - they have a partner in crime, they’re doing the same activities etc etc

Desecratedcoconut · 21/09/2023 14:20

Yes, it is possible and I did but I would think twice about ploughing on so quickly if the dust is still settling from having your first. There's no such thing as a best age gap, there are just people who always think that whatever they do is the best.

jazzyfips · 21/09/2023 14:20

Yep we did it twice. Both worked full time too. Not easy but totally doable for us.

WhyOhWine · 21/09/2023 14:21

We did, both worked full time. However, i earn a decent amount so were able to afford a nanny plus cleaner (although did not have nanny through maternity leave). My kids are older so was a while ago now and may be looking back with rose-coloured glasses, but don't remember a feeling of losing my sanity.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/09/2023 14:24

Clearly it's possible, people do it every day.

It's ok if you don't want to do it though.

Bumble84 · 21/09/2023 14:24

Lots of people do it, myself included so of course it is doable but it is hard. 2 is much harder than 1 child due to differing needs.

Don’t have another baby because other people tell you to.

tealandteal · 21/09/2023 14:25

I’d tell my friends to butt out! Mine have a 5 year age gap because we felt it would work best for us.

Fifiesta · 21/09/2023 14:27

We had a 17 month gap. I loved it, but with no help other than DH around his employment (long working day),yes it was hard, and very tiring especially for the first year. 14 nappy changes a day was a lot.
When I went back to work part-time, I took jobs around DH’s hours.
I didn’t return to working during the daytime hours until our youngest was in year 4.

VivaVivaa · 21/09/2023 14:30

We do it. Well not 2 under 2 but a 3 yo and a 10 week old with no local family. My mil pops in maybe fortnightly - 3 weekly but that’s about it.

Ive only survived because DS1 goes to pre school 3 days a week. It’s still been extremely challenging and I feel terrible for wishing away every day, but i just can’t wait to not feel so physically and mentally exhausted. On its own, the newborn stage has been so much easier second time around though. But 2 together with massively different needs is hard.

Wilkolampshade · 21/09/2023 14:31

I did it. No family within 200 miles, no childcare, no cleaner, DH out at work 7-7 five days a week plus plenty of overtime on weekends which we weren't in a position to turn down etc. Was the first in my friendship group to have kids, and they all drifted off pretty sharpish. Wasn't working so complete SAHM for the first few years. I did suffer with depression after DD1, brought on by the extreme loneliness, exhaustion and boredom I think.
Depression lifted when I got pregnant with DD2 -(ironically).
Tbh, I think it's not a very unusual gap really, is it? And the whole first few years is a total shit show anyway.

Anon8640 · 21/09/2023 14:33

I was left with 3 children 5 and under when my partner sadly passed away. Very little family help, in fact some made me life more difficult. I raised them on my own. It was not at all easy but they are all teenagers now.

bakewellbride · 21/09/2023 14:33

It would be very hard. We've got zero family around but a 3.5 year age gap and that's perfect for us. Don't listen to people who insist a closer age gap is 'best' as ultimately every age gap has its own pros and cons. Personally I loved having ds fully toilet trained before dd came along! They are 5 and 18 months now and play great together, its brilliant. Don't feel under pressure to have another child so soon.

SparklyLeprechaun · 21/09/2023 14:33

Of course it's possible. We never had any family around and were both working full time, somehow we managed to bring up 2 kids with just under 2 years age gap - they are teens now. But if you want to stick to one, stick to one, it's your life, not your friends'.

NameChange30 · 21/09/2023 14:38

I voted YABU because of this:
"We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting."

It's got fuck all to do with your friends, unless they're volunteering to provide significant help?! Even so, it's your choice and yours alone.

You'd be mad to have another child you don't want just because you feel you "should".

It's doable but really hard work and only worth it if you want it in the first place.

ValkyrieAssassin · 21/09/2023 14:38

Only gave a second child if you want to, not because others tell you you should. I had two and in laws were deceased or elderly and my parents luve on a different continent and have never ever provided assistance even if they are visiting us. It was hard. DH ended up reducing his role to half time as I was travelling a lot for work. Then when my older one was three I took an extended career break. We were lucky we could make changes but it was very hard. Now they are 13 and 11 and it’s easier.

Lemonademoney · 21/09/2023 14:40

It is possible. We did it, with an older child added to the mix. Whether it works for you or not is another matter. I’d say it’s substantially easier now they are all at school. Ironically now they are older (easier) we get some family help … 🙄

fearfuloffluff · 21/09/2023 14:41

Of course it's do-able. How easy it depends on what kind of baby you get, tbh.

Don't have a baby you don't want. Your friends won't be the ones waking in the night and sorting out the tantrums.

I have two kids with the sort of age gap you're talking about. No regrets at all but friends who stuck at one (so eldest now 6) have such a seemingly chilled, enjoyable life whereas we deal with a lot of arguments, still teaching youngest to use toilet properly, going out costs more etc etc

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