Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it possible to raise 2 children with under 2 years ago gap without family support

79 replies

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 14:11

I have an under 2 year old DC and people are suggesting it's the best age gap to have children. We don't have any extended family who can support us. DH and I think it's impossible to bring up two under 3s without losing our sanity and without any help. Having one DC did put us under lot of stress, PND and lots of arguments causing rift in the early stage of DC's baby days. We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting. AIBU?

OP posts:
KimKardashiansKarpetKrab · 21/09/2023 14:41

In my experience it's possible but not if you want to keep working full time or even in any meaningful way.

rembecca · 21/09/2023 14:48

Yes you can do it without family
But I think you're going to have to choose between paying for help and insanity

I live in a different country from both parents. If one of us had been a SAHparent we could have coped but I am not sure we would have been stable at the end of it. It's just things like the sleep, the laundry, having someone to ask when you don't know if they have a fever or they fall of f the bed

ChickenNuggetDreamland · 21/09/2023 14:48

I had three under the age of three with no extended support whatsoever. They are now 14, 12 and 11 years old.
It is absolutely possible but bloody hard work.
Reconsider trying to work full time if you can.

ChickenPicken · 21/09/2023 14:50

In my experience when your first is 18 months / 2 years old everyone is very keen on talking you into a second. Then they assume you’re only having one and stop talking about it. That bit can be quite hard if you don’t know what you want! When everyone else stopped going on about it we made our own decision to have a second and we are very happy with our nearly five year age gap x

JustMarriedBecca · 21/09/2023 14:53

Full time professional jobs here (think lawyer, accountant). I went down to four days after number two and probably "leaned out" for a few years. Kids are now both at school and I'm 100% able to do both work and kids now. It gets easier although it's hairy for a bit and expensive for nursery (although should be easier with Govt plans for free childcare).

I am SO GLAD we had both close together in ages. They are much closer than a lot of siblings with larger age gaps. And we're now at a stage where we can really enjoy the kids and have experiences with them.

But that's only it you want 2.4.

One is always an option.

RaininSummer · 21/09/2023 14:54

I would have found it v stressful. 4 1/2 years between my two.

Twentypastfour · 21/09/2023 14:57

Well it doesn’t sound like you want to?

We knew we wouldn’t have family help and it didn’t factor remotely into our decision to have children and when to try for a second and I’ve never regretted it or thought we need family closer. Of course logistics and finances had to be figured out but by no one but ourselves.

Didimum · 21/09/2023 14:57

"We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting."

Why on earth would you let your friend's opinions factor in to this? Who cares what they think.

Wannabegreenfingers · 21/09/2023 14:58

It's perfectly possible. Both of my children when young went to a childminder whilst me and their Dad worked. I'm a single parent now and my children are older (secondary school). Their Dad wasn't much use when they were younger so most of the drop offs and pick ups fell to me. I'm not saying it's fun, but I'm glad there is only a small gap between my two.

ActDottie · 21/09/2023 14:59

I’m sure it possible just hard work!! The reward is to then have two children closer in age which you could say means they’ll be closer growing up and when older but that’s no guarantee. My husband and I are thinking of trying for baby 2 when our youngest turns 1 which may be a bit mad! But I think you can either get the hard years over with or string them out over a longer period. All possible.

wellandtruly · 21/09/2023 15:00

Yes, of course it’s possible. My DC are 21 months apart. Both DH and my parents lived 250 miles away, and both DH and I worked. It’s a great age gap, as far as we were concerned.

Twentypastfour · 21/09/2023 15:02

Didimum · 21/09/2023 14:57

"We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting."

Why on earth would you let your friend's opinions factor in to this? Who cares what they think.

Yes this is the bizarre and unreasonable bit.

Having DC without extended family nearby is perfectly normal and unremarkable IMO… but only if you want to. What should be the ask here is - “I’m not sure I want more children but my friends have so many opinions. AIBU to ask them to stop talking about it?” And the answer is no. Tell them it’s none of their business.

gorsen · 21/09/2023 15:03

We did it with both families abroad, but we used lots of paid help - both dc in nursery from 6m. DH worked pt so was around to help after nursery pickup, and I took a career break until they were in school.

MargotBamborough · 21/09/2023 15:04

We have two under three and we have some help, but not regular help. Our kids are both in full time childcare but my parents in law live nearby and help out on an ad hoc basis. If we didn't have them we could still cope, it's just nice to have a bit of relief from time to time.

So yes I'd say it's perfectly possible, but your friends' opinions shouldn't influence whether you have a second child or not. If you want to stick with just one child, or have a larger age gap, then do that. It's none of your friends' business.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/09/2023 15:04

NameChange30 · 21/09/2023 14:38

I voted YABU because of this:
"We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting."

It's got fuck all to do with your friends, unless they're volunteering to provide significant help?! Even so, it's your choice and yours alone.

You'd be mad to have another child you don't want just because you feel you "should".

It's doable but really hard work and only worth it if you want it in the first place.

Indeed. Yes, of course it's "possible", but can be very, very hard.

It's definitely not COMPULSORY!

Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 15:06

Two under 3s really isn't that close, of course it is possible to have that age gap without family support. Plenty of people do it.

But it sounds like you had a very difficult time with one and don't particularly want another so other people's ideas of better or worse age gaps are irrelevant.

Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 15:10

@gorsen We did it with both families abroad, but we used lots of paid help - both dc in nursery from 6m. DH worked pt so was around to help after nursery pickup, and I took a career break until they were in school.

This must be a next level part time salary to support a family of 4 and have 2 babies in nursery from 6 months!

Whitewolf2 · 21/09/2023 15:11

Yes it’s possible, ours are 20months apart and haven’t had help as in grandparents giving regular childcare, the only time we really needed it was during labour and my mum came to stay with dc1. Other than that I worked part time and dc went to nursery, but I could have worked full time if I’d needed to. You just need to earn enough to get both through nursery at the same time! Now things are a lot easier now they’re both at school and we have after school clubs.

McAnonymous · 21/09/2023 15:12

There's someone in my bumpers group who is soon to have two under one.

She announced her surprise pregnancy in the group when we were less than three months postpartum. I'm not sure I'd even got round to having sex yet!

Two years is a very normal age gap.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 21/09/2023 15:16

Stompythedinosaur · 21/09/2023 14:24

Clearly it's possible, people do it every day.

It's ok if you don't want to do it though.

This.

We did it, as did a lot of our friends. Yes it was hard, but we wanted two children.

If you only want one child then that's fine. But if you want two, don't let lack of family support deter you

CinemaCrazy · 21/09/2023 15:18

I have a 21 month age gap and didn’t even think about lack of wider family support. I was fortunate to have really good sleepers (8 hours at 8 weeks and 12 hours at 12 weeks). I had a strict routine and in the early days used to time it so had one to one time and the other one had a nap. Others may prefer it the other way around so both DC are asleep at the same time.
On the weekends my DH and I both have each other an hour off once a day and that plan worked really well. I would have a long bath and do a face and hair mask on the Saturday and chill with the Sunday papers the next day.
Once they were in school things were really easy, days out and holidays were lots of fun.

SparkyBlue · 21/09/2023 15:19

Absolutely it's possible but please don't allow anyone to put pressure on you to have another DC. Absolutely no such thing as an ideal age gap (or an ideal sized family)every family is different so shut people down straight away with their ridiculous comments especially if they know your history of pnd. I had a four year gap between dc2 and DC3 and it was great.

GyozaGuzzling · 21/09/2023 15:20

We had a 19 month gap. No family. Both worked full time. Nursery.

It was very hard but we did it. And things got very easy as they got older as the age gap ‘narrowed’.

But who cares? Only you two know if you can manage this or not.

SparklyShoesandTutus · 21/09/2023 15:21

Yes its possible but that doesn't mean you should. You've said you and DH want to stick too one so why does it matter what friends think/suggest.

We have a 2 1/2 year ahead gap both work full, I went back to work 7 months after the first and 10 months after second. Closest family 100+ miles away. We did have an amazing and flexible childminder.

A friend has 2 one same age as our eldest and second 7 years later. That worked for them.

Ultimately this is a decision for you personally and shouldn't be influenced by other people's opinions

Original poster
Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 15:23

@EmmaGrundyForPM we do want 2 children but with my experience of first pregnancy and the hardships of early days are quite off putting especially with no family to support even occasionally. We both plan to keep working full time.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread