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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it possible to raise 2 children with under 2 years ago gap without family support

79 replies

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 14:11

I have an under 2 year old DC and people are suggesting it's the best age gap to have children. We don't have any extended family who can support us. DH and I think it's impossible to bring up two under 3s without losing our sanity and without any help. Having one DC did put us under lot of stress, PND and lots of arguments causing rift in the early stage of DC's baby days. We want to stick to one child but friends keep suggesting. AIBU?

OP posts:

SisterMichaelsHabit · 21/09/2023 15:25

Everyone's different. I managed 2 under 2 by myself with no support from anyone and no money etc from the time DC2 was 3 weeks old until she was 8 months. Not going to lie, it was very hard and some days I went to bed feeling like I'd not done a great job. But DC1 had been an exceptionally difficult baby and got a lot easier as a toddler which is what made it possible then DC2 was the easiest baby ever so it seemed like a doddle compared to the early days with DC1.

If you're struggling with one, adding another into the mix is a very bad idea, wait until the first one gets easier. A 3 year age gap is decent and will mean they still get on but at 2.5-3, your oldest child will have hit more developmental milestones and be able to sort themselves out a lot better (and follow instructions which helps a lot when you don't have to physically pick them up to put them wherever you need them e.g. they go in the pushchair when asked) so the pressure won't be as great on you.

crostini · 21/09/2023 15:31

We're doing it. I haven't got a fuck load of sanity left but obviously I dunno if that'd be any different with a bigger age gap, so it's hard to advise. I wouldn't change it tho.

But don't have another if you don't want to. It really is one of those things that is entirely your decision.

Birch101 · 21/09/2023 15:39

We had this talk this morning f(37) m(43) LG (21m) whilst I'd want a larger family, we've decided it would be too hard for numerous reasons Inc that whilst we have some help for inlaws ATM ( 3x nursery drop offs and the odd day here and there) they'd be less inclined to help with 2 (which I get they are coming into their 70s). I mean we are just exhausted!
Financially it would mean paying more for childcare or me leaving work which I just can't be a SAHM full time.
We simply can't envisage having the life we want with additional children and non regular support. (I have friends whose GP have little ones one night a week etc, I have cousins whose parents have their 1yrs Olds daily)
I do wonder if we had met when we were younger and start a family earlier if things would be different- energy levels lol
So yes whilst lots of people can manage and do so, everyone's circumstances and personalities are different.
Some people loved being an only child, others not so much.

Birch101 · 21/09/2023 15:47

Also without any family support main factor to me after actually wanting more would be if you can afford it without scraping by.

Full time childcare, wrap around school activities, summer holiday camps/clubs, school trips, clubs, unpaid time off work when they are sick, childminders/nannies when you want evening outs, work meals etc

My job is inflexible work hours and my partner is similar so we have 10 years or more paying for pre and post school clubs, holiday clubs, using AL in hrs rather than days to facilitate pick up etc all that faff that is much easier with a big support network

LetMeGoogleThat · 21/09/2023 15:57

Of course it's possible, I raised 2 with a 16 month age difference, one with SEN. I worked full time and was a single parent. They are both at Uni now.

But, that was my choice and you need to make a choice for you....just because you can, dosent mean you have to.

IfYouDontAsk · 21/09/2023 16:11

I’ve done it and it’s been difficult but manageable. We have lovely family but they are several hours away so we don’t have help from them. That’s always been the case for us so we’ve never known any different. I work part time, my DH works extremely long hours so isn’t around at all in the mornings. I do all of the drop offs, pick ups and it’s not unusual for me to do bedtimes alone.

I wouldn’t think of myself as one of those super capable superwomen type parents…what I’m trying to say is that if I’ve managed it ok I’m sure you can! I think not having a back up system from family in place means that you just arrange life in a way that accounts for that as far as possible. So I am really strict about what time I leave the office, for example, because there isn’t the option of asking granny to do pick up that day so I can stay a bit later.

It’s not on for people to pressure you though.

Zebedee55 · 21/09/2023 16:13

I did it. No real problems. You just have to get on with it. Time passes,

Quisquam · 21/09/2023 16:17

We had twins, and an older DC. Family on both sides was 3.5 hours away. I wouldn’t recommend it - imo, an age gap of 2 years plus is preferable! The first 18 months was a blur due to lack of sleep, being up to two babies.

thetrainatplatform4 · 21/09/2023 16:25

I'm a full time working single parent of toddler twins with no family support of course it's possible - most things are if you set your mind to it

But have a child because you want one not because your friends think you should have one. And yes having PND in one pregnancy can mean you are higher risk to experience it again and having such smaller gap is obviously going to be more hard work

Sammi881 · 21/09/2023 16:26

I have twins at 20 months and we don't have support from family and mostly it's on me as partner work funny hours and I can definitely say it very hard at this age. Remember you got to want it not what your friends say as you the one who has to raise them. I remember alot of people told me how they going to be there for me and twin before they born but none are hear now.

BananaSlug · 21/09/2023 16:27

I raise 4 children alone with no family friends or partner and have done since I was pregnant with my youngest. I had a 6 year old 5 year old 3 year old and newborn. Alone. Yes it’s possible, whether it’s easy is another story.

Iwasafool · 21/09/2023 16:29

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 14:17

Also, wanted to add we both work full-time and DC goes to nursery.

You don't need to defend your decision. You could have help on hand all the time, be a lady of leisure living in a mansion, if you don't want a 2nd child don't have one. It isn't fair to you or the baby. Enjoy your little one.

Diamondcurtains · 21/09/2023 16:37

Of course it’s possible. Thousands of families and single parents do it. I had two babies in just over a year and also had a severely disabled child already. Life has been stressful, very stressful at times. I gave up work when no 2 came along planning to go back but then number 3 came along and the eldest needed more care than before very so it never happened.

The thing here is though that you don’t sound like you really want another so don’t let others try to persuade you otherwise. If you both feel it’s impossible and you already suffered PND once I’d honestly stick with one. Given my time again I would stick with one child.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 21/09/2023 17:39

It is possible but hard work. I had 3 under 5 and worked 3 nights a week and no family. All my family lives in another continent and my husband worked full time.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/09/2023 18:06

Single parents manage it alone so yes of course it's possible.

NameChange30 · 21/09/2023 18:09

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 15:23

@EmmaGrundyForPM we do want 2 children but with my experience of first pregnancy and the hardships of early days are quite off putting especially with no family to support even occasionally. We both plan to keep working full time.

If you do actually want 2 children, there's no rush to have a second and a small age gap. FWIW, there's a 3.5 year age gap between my two, and while it was (is) hard work, it's manageable. The advantage of a 3+ year age gap is having funded childcare for the oldest while you're on maternity leave with the youngest. DC1 continued to go to nursery which gave me days just with DC2, to rest basically.

I found it very harder after DC1 was born, in hindsight I had PND (although i didn't really recognise it at the time) and the sleep deprivation was brutal. I did have PND again after DC2 was born (in covid times which didn't help!) but I recognised the signs much sooner and got help, so I felt that I coped better and was able to enjoy it more overall. The sleep deprivation was still hard but from experience with DC1 we actually believed that phrase "this shall pass" (first time around it was just annoying!)

I feel that having a second was a heart over head type decision (it made no rational sense!) but i have no regrets overall (although definitely have days when I regret having any kids at all - i am glad I have 2!) on the other hand, there are plenty of people who are happy with one child and no more.

My advice is to ignore your friends and give yourselves some time.

You said that the difficult early days with your child put strain on the relationship - did you have any couple's counselling at the time, or since? I wonder if it might help you consider and discuss the question of having a second?

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 21/09/2023 18:11

13 months between mine. 1 set of parents in another (far away) country, the others distant in the UK and never had any interest in offering to help, even on rare visits.

I had PND. It’s certainly doable, there’s lots do it. I don’t know any different. They’re great company for each other when small, and becoming better friends now they’re older teenagers.

stayathomer · 21/09/2023 18:12

A lot of us have done it (we have 4, 2 years in between, no family help) it’s doable, but yes your mh takes a bit of a beating. But nobody should be talking you into having a child!!!!

Toomanygreenbeans · 21/09/2023 18:17

It is possible , it is hard work and it does impact relationships. You have decided it’s too hard for you and that is fine OP - you do you and let your friends do them.

Original poster

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 18:35

Thanks for some very helpful and honest replies.
I think I know the answer now.

OP posts:

VisionsOfSplendour · 21/09/2023 18:45

I live in a place where most people aren't local and everyone seems to manage just fine. When my children were young I lived a 3 hour drive from family and it never occured to me that I was doing anything unusual by not having help, what exactly do you think you won't be able to do?

Original poster

Possiblisit · 21/09/2023 18:49

@VisionsOfSplendour I am not looking for any massive help. But, my friends nearby and other neighbors seem to get regular help from GP. Things like pick drop, some help for when we have to go for urgent hospital appointment etc.

OP posts:

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 21/09/2023 18:59

Op my own is if any urgent hospital appointments one of us has to go and then the other one has to stay home with other children and I also met a mum at preschool whom we became good friends and helped each other with pick incase I’m stuck somewhere and we still help each other’s up to now

Comedycook · 21/09/2023 19:03

2.5 year age gap...yes possible but I threw money at the situation...paid for nursery for my eldest after my dd was born...used a babysitting agency once they were a bit older and was a sahm.

millymollymoomoo · 21/09/2023 19:04

I managed it
16 months between mine
worked full time and returned when each were 6 months

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