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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who gets the piano?

79 replies

80s · 20/09/2023 13:05

Would like an outside opinion on this...

My ex of 20 years (15 married) and I bought an e-piano 15 years ago from the household budget for the children to learn on - about 800 euros I think. Ex and I since broke up. He's in the old house and I am in a little flat. The piano stayed in the house (no formal agreement). Kids are adults. When they are in town (maybe 6 weekends a year) they stay in their old rooms at the house, not with me.

I am on a course that requires me to learn the piano. Wrote to ex about needing the e-piano. He replied: "The piano is used by the kids whenever they stay over night and I really enjoy them practicing and their music, so I’d like it to stay there but you could borrow it for the time it’s needed for your course, if the kids are ok with it".

I also enjoy them practising and haven't heard them do so in 5 years now. Exh does not play the piano. I will need a piano or keyboard to practise after this course.

Ex thinks he's entitled to the piano and that he's being generous by "letting" me borrow it. I think I have just as much right to have the piano as him. Of the two of us, I'm the one who actually needs to use a piano or keyboard regularly. It was originally the kids' piano but they don't use it very often now.

Would it be reasonable of me to claim the piano and tell him to stuff his supposed generosity where the sun doesn't shine? Or AIBU - e.g. as we both have a claim to it and the children might play it more often during their visits if it's at the house?

OP posts:
cuckyplunt · 20/09/2023 13:07

Borrow it and then forget to give it back.

largeagegapWLW · 20/09/2023 13:09

I'm going to ask a question unrelated to the piano. What kind of financial settlement did you come to that means he's in the former marital home and you are in a small flat?

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2023 13:10

Ask your now adult children if they are happy for you to have the piano at yours and they can visit and play if they wish.

HagoftheNorth · 20/09/2023 13:10

What Cucky said! You could even pretend to be grateful - don’t sweat the small stuff, especially if you’re essentially getting what you want

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 13:12

largeagegapWLW · 20/09/2023 13:09

I'm going to ask a question unrelated to the piano. What kind of financial settlement did you come to that means he's in the former marital home and you are in a small flat?

We started paying the mortgage very late in our relationship so he paid me out the small sum I'd put in and he took the mortgage rather than us both losing the house.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 20/09/2023 13:13

I am not sure where you stand legally, but in all honestly, regardless of that, I would be looking to buy my own piano/keyboard, so that it was mine and would always be mine and I wouldn't have to be negotiating custody.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 13:14

I can only afford a cheap keyboard at the moment; the piano is much better.

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 20/09/2023 13:14

Possession being 9/10 of the law etc I would probably borrow it and fail to return it.

The DC can always come to yours to play.

EuphemiaFuckaduck · 20/09/2023 13:16

80s · 20/09/2023 13:12

We started paying the mortgage very late in our relationship so he paid me out the small sum I'd put in and he took the mortgage rather than us both losing the house.

Show quote history

Wtf?

I know this isn't your question - but how, if you were married for 15 years, did you end up in this situation when you got divorced? Did you actually have any legal advice at the time?

That aside, I'd borrow the piano and not return it. Or keep saying you will, but don't.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 20/09/2023 13:20

Yep, borrow the piano and don't give it back!

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 13:21

We just rented before so this was the better solution for the kids and we didn't have that much in the way of actual assets. Tbh I am happy just having a little flat right now as the heating costs and rent are so low that the increases in the cost of living make hardly any difference. The kids would probably want to stay in their old rooms (round the corner) even if I did have beds for them here.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 20/09/2023 13:24

My first thought was what @cuckyplunt said too...

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 20/09/2023 13:26

If you are divorced and have reached a fiancial settlement the piano is now his. Don't accept the loan of it only to not give it back. Why don't you offer to buy it off him, offer him what he originally invested less depreciation. If not, have a look on Marketplace or Ebay.

SalmonBelongInTheWater · 20/09/2023 13:26

largeagegapWLW · 20/09/2023 13:09

I'm going to ask a question unrelated to the piano. What kind of financial settlement did you come to that means he's in the former marital home and you are in a small flat?

Plenty of people leave marriages without enough equity for both partners to purchase a new home, sadly. Not everyone has a house with enough in it to sell up and both afford a new mortgage solo. Not everyone wants to buy. Not everyone wants a house if a flat is big enough. Sometimes selling the marital home doesn't make financial or practical sense. What a weird thing to focus on.

Afterrain · 20/09/2023 13:26

I would speak to your adult children and ask them if you could have their old piano.
Explain your reason including that you can't afford a new one. Say that they could always use it at yours if they wanted to.
Hopefully, they will agree that it is yours.

Or as others suggest borrow and forget to take it back.
Do you have the original receipt?

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 13:34

I would just borrow it and forget to give it back.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 14:06

Thanks for the suggestions, I needed to hear some more sensible thoughts. I will try not to sweat the small stuff - I am too easily riled up by his assumption that I will bend to his wishes and have none of my own, but that attitude is partly of my own making!

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 20/09/2023 14:27

You're being really petty.

The piano should stay in the house. I used to LOVE going to stay at my parents old house and playing the piano again and was so sad when they moved house and sold it!

Just buy yourself another digital piano. A 15 year old digital piano on eBay isn't expensive. Technology has moved on a lot with digital pianos so either buy yourself a more modern one or look for a second hand one the same.

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:31

towriteyoumustlive · 20/09/2023 14:27

You're being really petty.

The piano should stay in the house. I used to LOVE going to stay at my parents old house and playing the piano again and was so sad when they moved house and sold it!

Just buy yourself another digital piano. A 15 year old digital piano on eBay isn't expensive. Technology has moved on a lot with digital pianos so either buy yourself a more modern one or look for a second hand one the same.

The children have grown up and do not live with either parent. Unless they are spending a lot more time with their dad than with the OP, moving the piano from their dad's home to the OP's home won't make any difference to how often they get to play it.

Isn't the OP's ex being rather petty, given that he doesn't play the piano, it was a joint purchase, and OP now needs one?

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:31

I think the piano should stay where it is. You've not been bothered about it until now and the children still stay with their dad and play it when they do.

If you can only afford a keyboard then so be it. I learnt piano on a keyboard - yes, it was a pain but it's fine for a beginner. Save up for a piano that's all yours and doesn't have all this resentment attached to it.

MyrrAgain · 20/09/2023 14:32

How very kind and generous of you....and then don't give it back

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:32

The children have grown up and do not live with either parent. Unless they are spending a lot more time with their dad than with the OP, moving the piano from their dad's home to the OP's home won't make any difference to how often they get to play it.

But they do. When they're in town they never stay with OP, they always stay with their dad.

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:38

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:32

The children have grown up and do not live with either parent. Unless they are spending a lot more time with their dad than with the OP, moving the piano from their dad's home to the OP's home won't make any difference to how often they get to play it.

But they do. When they're in town they never stay with OP, they always stay with their dad.

For the purposes of this discussion let's assume we are talking about awake time. 🙃

dcsp · 20/09/2023 14:40

If I'm understanding you correctly, you moved out the house 5 years ago, leaving the piano behind without any agreement that it belonged to you (or that it remained jointly owned, or belonged to the kids).

Therefore, the piano belongs to your ex.

Also, if it was €800 15 years ago, you'll probably be able to pick the same model up on eBay for about £150 now. Just save yourself the hassle and do that. As an added bonus, your kids will then have the same model to play whichever house they visit.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:41

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:38

For the purposes of this discussion let's assume we are talking about awake time. 🙃

Show quote history

That is what I'm talking about. OP says they don't stay with her.