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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who gets the piano?

79 replies

80s · 20/09/2023 13:05

Would like an outside opinion on this...

My ex of 20 years (15 married) and I bought an e-piano 15 years ago from the household budget for the children to learn on - about 800 euros I think. Ex and I since broke up. He's in the old house and I am in a little flat. The piano stayed in the house (no formal agreement). Kids are adults. When they are in town (maybe 6 weekends a year) they stay in their old rooms at the house, not with me.

I am on a course that requires me to learn the piano. Wrote to ex about needing the e-piano. He replied: "The piano is used by the kids whenever they stay over night and I really enjoy them practicing and their music, so I’d like it to stay there but you could borrow it for the time it’s needed for your course, if the kids are ok with it".

I also enjoy them practising and haven't heard them do so in 5 years now. Exh does not play the piano. I will need a piano or keyboard to practise after this course.

Ex thinks he's entitled to the piano and that he's being generous by "letting" me borrow it. I think I have just as much right to have the piano as him. Of the two of us, I'm the one who actually needs to use a piano or keyboard regularly. It was originally the kids' piano but they don't use it very often now.

Would it be reasonable of me to claim the piano and tell him to stuff his supposed generosity where the sun doesn't shine? Or AIBU - e.g. as we both have a claim to it and the children might play it more often during their visits if it's at the house?

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 20/09/2023 14:44

I would accept his offer and after your very long course is over asked the kids infront of him if they ever use the piano at his house and do they mind if it stays with you.

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:45

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:41

That is what I'm talking about. OP says they don't stay with her.

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Erm. Yes. The house is five minutes away. My understanding is that they visit both their parents but sleep at their dad's house because they have bedrooms there. So the extra time they spend at their dad's house is time when they are asleep and not playing the piano.

Hont1986 · 20/09/2023 14:52

What course are you on that requires you to learn the piano?

Ponderingwindow · 20/09/2023 14:52

Unless you are currently dividing up household furnishings, the matter is settled and the piano belongs to him. The time to ask for the piano was when you were negotiating who got the tv and who took the sofa.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:56

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:45

Erm. Yes. The house is five minutes away. My understanding is that they visit both their parents but sleep at their dad's house because they have bedrooms there. So the extra time they spend at their dad's house is time when they are asleep and not playing the piano.

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Even though their dad says the play the piano every time they visit?

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:58

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 14:56

Even though their dad says the play the piano every time they visit?

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When they are awake, yes.

They could also play the piano when they are awake and visiting their mother.

They are not playing the piano in their sleep regardless of whether it is in the same building as them or not.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:00

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 14:58

When they are awake, yes.

They could also play the piano when they are awake and visiting their mother.

They are not playing the piano in their sleep regardless of whether it is in the same building as them or not.

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If the OP wanted the piano, the time to say something was five years ago when they divorced. Not now she only actually wants it for herself.

The whole thing just reeks of pettiness.

Hont1986 · 20/09/2023 15:02

A former marital home is not your free storage locker that you can swing by and pick up furniture you want forever more. It's his piano, he's given you his answer.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:02

the time to say something was five years ago when they divorced.
The children were still at home, using the piano regularly then, and I was not on a course that required me to learn the piano.
Now the children are not there and I do need it. My ex does not need it. He's being petty, not me.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 20/09/2023 15:03

@80s Seriously, borrow the piano, express gratitude and then when he asks for it back tell him to fuck off.
Do this for all women who've ever needed to do something similar. Do not feel bad about it.
Yes I'm a bit angry today!

Motheroftweenagers · 20/09/2023 15:03

How do you even borrow a piano? They cost 100s to move!

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:04

Hont1986 · 20/09/2023 14:52

What course are you on that requires you to learn the piano?

It's for kindergarten teachers (I am in Germany). I'm retraining as an adult.

OP posts:
LetUsPounce · 20/09/2023 15:04

I'm of the view that the piano actually belongs to the kids so I'd just ask them if it's OK with them if you move it to yours for a while so you can use it. Where it ends up later is where the kids ultimately want it to be.

Motomum23 · 20/09/2023 15:04

If the children are visit 6 weekends a year I would borrow the piano and when they visit and ask after it return it. Gives you time to save for a new one - gear4music are very good value for this sort of thing.

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 15:05

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:00

If the OP wanted the piano, the time to say something was five years ago when they divorced. Not now she only actually wants it for herself.

The whole thing just reeks of pettiness.

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She wants the piano now because she needs a piano now, and her ex doesn't play the piano.

He wants the piano for himself now even though he doesn't play the piano, which "reeks of pettiness" to me.

Their children no longer live with either parent and so if they want to play the piano when visiting they can do that at their mum's just as easily as they can at their dad's, which is five minutes away.

So it's not about them. It's about whether the piano, which was purchased jointly by both of them, should now live in the home of the person who intends to play it, or the person who does not intend to play it.

But since he's offering to "lend" it to her she should just smile sweetly, thank him for his "generosity", move the piano into her flat and then just keep needing it.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:07

When they're in town they never stay with OP, they always stay with their dad.
They sleep over at their dad's, and they visit us both. They also visit my dd's bf's parents, and their friends :)

OP posts:
Aprilx · 20/09/2023 15:07

Your financial settlement was years ago. You cannot just decide now that you want something else, it is irrelevant that it is a piano, you can’t just say that you need an extra £1000 now either. The piano is his.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:08

Aprilx · 20/09/2023 15:07

Your financial settlement was years ago. You cannot just decide now that you want something else, it is irrelevant that it is a piano, you can’t just say that you need an extra £1000 now either. The piano is his.

This is definitely a fair point!

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 15:08

Hont1986 · 20/09/2023 15:02

A former marital home is not your free storage locker that you can swing by and pick up furniture you want forever more. It's his piano, he's given you his answer.

That's...a really odd thing to say to the person who drew the short straw in the divorce.

Her ex husband got to keep the marital home. You'd think he'd show a little more grace over an old electric piano that he can't even play.

SomersetBrie · 20/09/2023 15:09

Just borrow it. If you are in a small flat, you might not want to keep it indefinitely anyway and if you did, you might be in a position to borrow/buy something else.
Ex might not miss it when it is gone and in the meantime you can monitor how much time DC actually play it when they visit.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:10

She wants the piano now because she needs a piano now, and her ex doesn't play the piano.

Yes, but it's irrelevant. The time to fight it out was when they divorced, not five years down the line when she's suddenly decided she needs a piano (after showing no interest in it in the meantime).

He wants the piano because it's his - just like the house is now his.

I cannot ever imagine going back to an ex from five years ago and suddenly asking for something that they kept in the split.

spottedinthewilds · 20/09/2023 15:10

Surely a piano in a flat isn't a good idea. How is your soundproofing?

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:11

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 15:08

That's...a really odd thing to say to the person who drew the short straw in the divorce.

Her ex husband got to keep the marital home. You'd think he'd show a little more grace over an old electric piano that he can't even play.

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He kept the house because he bought OP out and now pays for it himself.

If OP wanted an old electric piano, she should have taken it when they split up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/09/2023 15:11

I'd just reply "totally appreciate that the piano belongs to the kids. I'll check in with them and if and when they are ready to pass it onto someone they can give me first refusal"

MargotBamborough · 20/09/2023 15:14

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:11

He kept the house because he bought OP out and now pays for it himself.

If OP wanted an old electric piano, she should have taken it when they split up.

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Reading between the lines it sounds like the OP didn't get an awful lot of things she might have wanted when they split up.

But as she has confirmed, when they split up the children were still living in the house. Now they aren't.