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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who gets the piano?

79 replies

80s · 20/09/2023 13:05

Would like an outside opinion on this...

My ex of 20 years (15 married) and I bought an e-piano 15 years ago from the household budget for the children to learn on - about 800 euros I think. Ex and I since broke up. He's in the old house and I am in a little flat. The piano stayed in the house (no formal agreement). Kids are adults. When they are in town (maybe 6 weekends a year) they stay in their old rooms at the house, not with me.

I am on a course that requires me to learn the piano. Wrote to ex about needing the e-piano. He replied: "The piano is used by the kids whenever they stay over night and I really enjoy them practicing and their music, so I’d like it to stay there but you could borrow it for the time it’s needed for your course, if the kids are ok with it".

I also enjoy them practising and haven't heard them do so in 5 years now. Exh does not play the piano. I will need a piano or keyboard to practise after this course.

Ex thinks he's entitled to the piano and that he's being generous by "letting" me borrow it. I think I have just as much right to have the piano as him. Of the two of us, I'm the one who actually needs to use a piano or keyboard regularly. It was originally the kids' piano but they don't use it very often now.

Would it be reasonable of me to claim the piano and tell him to stuff his supposed generosity where the sun doesn't shine? Or AIBU - e.g. as we both have a claim to it and the children might play it more often during their visits if it's at the house?

OP posts:
Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:14

spottedinthewilds · 20/09/2023 15:10

Surely a piano in a flat isn't a good idea. How is your soundproofing?

It's an epiano, which means you can use it with headphones. And it also means that it's light and can be taken apart and put in the back of a car.

when she's suddenly decided she needs a piano (after showing no interest in it in the meantime)
I would have loved to have it but at that time the kids were there much more. And I suddenly need it now as I have suddenly had to retrain in a new job, thanks to artificial intelligence :)

OP posts:
UsernameNotAvailableArghh · 20/09/2023 15:14

Advertise on free cycle, you’ll get offers.

UsernameNotAvailableArghh · 20/09/2023 15:15

Also intrigued, what kind of new job requires you to learn piano?

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:16

UsernameNotAvailableArghh · 20/09/2023 15:15

Also intrigued, what kind of new job requires you to learn piano?

Kindergarten teacher; I'll hopefully be playing something a bit tuneful for little children to sing along to.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 20/09/2023 15:21

I'd smile sweetly, get the piano, do the course and then decide what to do next.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:21

Reading between the lines it sounds like the OP didn't get an awful lot of things she might have wanted when they split up.

That's the reality of divorce/separation, though. The time to deal with it is then, not five years down the line.

My ex and I split the cost of lots of things when we lived together. He kept some of it, I took some of it. We've been apart over seven years - if he came to me now and said he wanted an old electric piano from ten years ago I'd think he was completely off his rocker, frankly.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 15:22

I would have loved to have it but at that time the kids were there much more. And I suddenly need it now as I have suddenly had to retrain in a new job, thanks to artificial intelligence :)

Yeah, I get that - but if you need a piano now then you should be buying your own. How would you feel if he decided he wanted say, your sofa or your TV just because you'd split the cost of it while you were still married?

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 15:40

If I didn't need my sofa or TV I'd hand them over happily. We are not friends but usually cooperate OK. You're right that if the roles were reversed I'd be reluctant to give up the piano, as it's nice hearing the kids play even if you don't need it.
I'd word the response differently, though: I would not focus on how much I enjoyed listening to the kids practise, knowing that he'd lost that opportunity. This is why I need an outside point of view! I'm too easily annoyed by this stuff.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 20/09/2023 16:18

Once you've finalised the divorce, what's his is his and what's yours is yours. You're not one unit and you don't have shared items.

The piano is his, as are all of the other items in his house. They are not shared. It may well be that you got a raw deal in the divorce, but the time to address that was when you were divorcing. You can't expect to help yourself to his possessions just because you used to be married.

If you need a piano, then you should buy your own.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 20/09/2023 16:19

On UK eBay secondhand electric pianos are currently going for between £50-£200, and largely around £75. I don't know if eBay/Craig's List etc is a thing in Germany, but I'd check out the secondhand market and let sleeping dogs lie.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 17:20

If I didn't need my sofa or TV I'd hand them over happily.

TBH I think you're incredibly unusual if that's genuinely what you'd do.

When my ex and I split up, I took one of the TV's. It's currently in our bedroom. If he came to me and asked to use it on the basis that he paid for half of it five years ago, I'd tell him to fuck off, quite frankly.

I think your ex has been very reasonable to say you can borrow it, actually.

Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 17:56

Thanks all for the support and tough love, it has been really helpful and weirdly therapeutic as I feel much better now 😄I have worked out what really annoyed me: that he sounded so smug about being able to listen to them practising whenever he likes, when I can't. Still tempted to have the piano for the 3 years, considering that he's agreed to it and I know it works well. I could get a decent one if and when I am earning reasonably again after retraining.
Thaaanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
80s · 20/09/2023 17:57

And yes, if I didn't need my sofa/TV I'd be glad if someone took them off my hands as it would free up more space in my tiny flat!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 20/09/2023 19:39

Do you have room for a piano in a flat?

If the kids stay with exh and the kids still use the piano if it is theirs I suppose you should get another one. Not sure how you could borrow it as surely too large to go to and fro. Maybe I am misunderstanding.

Yesnomaybeok · 20/09/2023 19:56

I'm intrigued with what kind of course requires piano learning.

I think it should stay where it is.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 19:57

I'd ask your kids if you can borrow it. My DH gets annoyed by the ex asking about some random thing they once had together when they lived together. It was a clean break.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 20/09/2023 20:02

80s · 20/09/2023 17:57

And yes, if I didn't need my sofa/TV I'd be glad if someone took them off my hands as it would free up more space in my tiny flat!

But he doesn't want to get rid of it - that's the difference Confused

Eleganz · 20/09/2023 20:05

As you are referring to the job being Kindergarten teacher I am assuming you are not in the UK but I suspect North American law isn't that different in this regard.

He bought you out of the home and as you didn't make any specific agreement regarding contents then what was in the house at that time is his and that includes the piano. Borrowing something without intending to give it back is theft and so you should not do that despite people advising you to on here presumably because you are a woman and your ex is a man.

He has offered to let you borrow it for the duration of the course, that is a reasonable offer so why not take him up on it and return it to him afterwards as agreed? By that time you can save up a bit to get a cheap epiano (they must start from a few hundred dollars at most in the US as they are no more than that in the UK with weighted keys) or a secondhand one (I picked up an old clavinova for about £100 a few year ago) if it is that important to you and your job.

PlanofAction842196 · 20/09/2023 21:15

Source your own piano

SheSaidHummingbird · 20/09/2023 21:18

Has anybody else totally fallen in love with this very reasonable, intelligent, piano-playing, trainee kindergarten teacher, German OP? I'm smitten.

Legale · 20/09/2023 21:22

No, don't steal the piano, just buy a second hand one.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 20/09/2023 22:57

Eleganz · 20/09/2023 20:05

As you are referring to the job being Kindergarten teacher I am assuming you are not in the UK but I suspect North American law isn't that different in this regard.

He bought you out of the home and as you didn't make any specific agreement regarding contents then what was in the house at that time is his and that includes the piano. Borrowing something without intending to give it back is theft and so you should not do that despite people advising you to on here presumably because you are a woman and your ex is a man.

He has offered to let you borrow it for the duration of the course, that is a reasonable offer so why not take him up on it and return it to him afterwards as agreed? By that time you can save up a bit to get a cheap epiano (they must start from a few hundred dollars at most in the US as they are no more than that in the UK with weighted keys) or a secondhand one (I picked up an old clavinova for about £100 a few year ago) if it is that important to you and your job.

The OP has said that she is in Germany.

Vettrianofan · 20/09/2023 23:17

Buy your own second hand. If it's electronic you can't go wrong. They are much cheaper than the uprights.

towriteyoumustlive · 21/09/2023 09:31

Just get a second hand Yamaha P series digital piano. Loads of them on eBay. Some get a bit scratched if they've been carried round for gigs but still sound fine.

thetrainatplatform4 · 21/09/2023 09:34

I think you are being petty

Legally if you have signed a financial consent form as part of your divorce pretty it states on there about any belongs left in the home etc are the property of your husband