Ex turned down invitation on behalf of our child

CrispyDosa · 2023-09-18T12:52:34+00:00

My ex has turned down a wedding invitation from his cousin for my 11 year old daughter because his wife’s children aren’t invited so they are going on their own. My daughter’s step-sister told her. She rang me to collect her. My daughter was close to this side of the family as a child. She rang my ex mother-in-law whose nephew this is and she said my daughter can go with her and she is disgusted with ex. My ex is fuming with me saying it’s his family. I am arguing his daughter is his family and deserves to go to occasions with them that she was actually invited to. Their relationship with his step kids isn’t anything to do with her. He is destroying his relationship with his child, they can’t go anywhere together without one of his stepchildren tagging along. She is refusing to go to his house again.

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 14:09

I can understand your frustration and disappointment for your daughter but I don't really think it's up to you. You presumably wouldn't want your ex telling you what your daughter can or can't do while she's in your care. Support your daughter and let it go.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2023 14:13

Good for your exMIL. This is your dd’s family, not you her step Mum’s or her step sisters’.

If anything, your ex and Dd should “go on their own” leaving his wife to look after her own children.

Stimpend · 18/09/2023 14:15

This is not the right fight to pick. It's up to your daughter's dad whether she goes to a wedding on his side. Leave this one alone.

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 14:17

I think this is up to your daughters Dad. I dont think an 11 year old gets to choose what they attend, and he has every right to just go with his wife. Imagine the other way around if you thought sod it let's have a night out without kids (which a lot of people do), and your ex made the decision that that's not happening. It's not your fight to pick or get involved in.

funinthesun19 · 18/09/2023 14:18

I’m with you. His daughter comes first. She should go to these family events whether his stepchildren are invited or not. He’s going to his family member’s wedding without his actual daughter… because his stepkids aren’t invited. She won’t be on any photos or anything. And all because he wants to be a martyr.

I don’t find it admirable at all that he’s being the thoughtful stepparent when it’s his own child missing out. 👎🏻 Thumbs down from me.

OhNoForever · 18/09/2023 14:19

Why did she find out from her step sister?

By 11 If she wants to arrange to go with her gran it isn't up to you or your ex tbh

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 14:24

It's not really even a close relative to her as such. I wouldn't make a fuss of it.

OhmygodDont · 18/09/2023 14:25

If someone else from his side of the family is willing and want to take her to a wedding she is invited to your ex needs to stfu.

He doesn’t get to decide that just because he doesn’t want to watch her to prove some step family Bs that she can’t go if her granny will take her.

PeakedTooSooon · 18/09/2023 14:26

It’s not really your place to be making a big deal out of this, but now she knows about it, she’s arranged it with her grandmother / your ex MIL so you should stay out of it.

Redlarge · 18/09/2023 14:28

funinthesun19 · 18/09/2023 14:18

I’m with you. His daughter comes first. She should go to these family events whether his stepchildren are invited or not. He’s going to his family member’s wedding without his actual daughter… because his stepkids aren’t invited. She won’t be on any photos or anything. And all because he wants to be a martyr.

I don’t find it admirable at all that he’s being the thoughtful stepparent when it’s his own child missing out. 👎🏻 Thumbs down from me.

I agree. She was directly invited and has other family members happy to take her.

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 14:29

A night out without kids is one thing just as deciding not to take toddlers but this is an 11 year old actual family member who has been invited to a family wedding and wants to go.

I can’t believe that he would deprive his own child of a family occasion where she can catch up with her cousins and give them an opportunity to reminisce about a family occasion in the future.

She was distraught and no longer wants to see him. She started a new school a couple of weeks ago and there were wobbles and now this.
He pays more than he could and will buy her stuff including all the uniform and he thinks he’s wonderful but gives her no time and she won’t stay on Friday night as he won’t get her to a hobby on time on Saturday. When she asks him why s stepchild is in the car he will just say it isn’t fair as they wanted to come.
I think this is the final straw for her and he can’t see it.

OP posts:

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 14:37

It's a shame but what can you do? She's in his care so it's his choice as her parent. Be the bigger person and don't exacerbate the situation. It's unclear what you mean by step daughter being in the car so hard to know what the back story is.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/09/2023 14:40

Over the years we've always been thankful our DNs mother facilitated DN having a relationship with our family even her father (BIL) is useless.

If a family member (grandparents, aunt, uncle etc) is willing to do this separate to your DDs relationship with her father, let him.

Its all well and good saying that step children need to be treated the same as biological children in a family, but reality is different to that. Every child is an individual and needs to be treated as such.

housethatbuiltme · 18/09/2023 14:43

Stimpend · 18/09/2023 14:15

This is not the right fight to pick. It's up to your daughter's dad whether she goes to a wedding on his side. Leave this one alone.

Well its not.

Its up to the daughter as SHE was invited by HER family.

She is clearly old enough to have a say and other family want her there and are willing to take responsibility for her.

The father is excluding his daughter from HER own family over his personal relationship with non family members... he doesn't get to use her as a weapon or statement.

honeylulu · 18/09/2023 14:48

He's messed this up rather. He thinks he's being supportive to his wife who is offended her children aren't invited. But surely his protest ought to involve not attending himself! Instead he's shown displeasure by withdrawing the attendance of another invitee who really wanted to go. And he's still planning to turn up himself for the free food and booze!

He's also shown your daughter that his step children's feelings come before hers. Oh dear.

Thank god for MIL, she sounds amazing! Sounds like she's got the measure of him and your daughter's best interests at heart.

housethatbuiltme · 18/09/2023 14:48

OP my deadbeat father wanted nothing to do with me, after the divorce he pretended like I didn't exist. Most of the family didn't care much or want to rock the boat but my nana would always go to bat for me as a member of the family equal to her other grandchildren and I was always welcome and invited by her.

A father does not have final say over if a child has a relationship with 'his' family... if a family member(s) invited her and wants her involved its between you DD and that family member(s) NOT you DH.

He doesn't get a say in her relationship with other members of HER family.

housethatbuiltme · 18/09/2023 14:52

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 14:17

I think this is up to your daughters Dad. I dont think an 11 year old gets to choose what they attend, and he has every right to just go with his wife. Imagine the other way around if you thought sod it let's have a night out without kids (which a lot of people do), and your ex made the decision that that's not happening. It's not your fight to pick or get involved in.

This isn't a date night out its a large family event that she was specifically invited too, not told about and RSVP'd for because he wanted to make a fuss over someone else not being invited.

Its not his right to do that.

saraclara · 18/09/2023 14:57

This is the interesting other side to the usual threads about mumsnetters own kids not being invited to her newer partners family stuff, while his own kids' are.

Posters' usual reactions are in favour of the invitation being turned down, but here we are, faced with what that actually means for the invited kid.

At 11, if she's invited to go, she's old enough to be able to make the decision to go, imo. She will have formed her own relationships with her songs, uncles and cousins, and shouldn't be denied the opportunity to be part of a family event like a wedding.

Ellie1015 · 18/09/2023 15:08

Really unexpected comments as often when someone writes step children not invited then not attending or taking none of the children is an acceptable solution.

Had exh and partner decided not to bring dd to spare the step childrens feelings then i could see their logic but as step dd knows that can't be the case. Especially since step sister told dd who wants to go it is a totally different dynamic.

For me i would say to exh "it should be none of my business, i cannot understand why you told step dd about the invite, now dd knows and is upset that is my business. I am glad your mother is willing to take her but no idea how you will repair your relationship with her by not taking her opinion into consideration. If you didnt want her to come you could at least have made sure she didnt find out she could have went but you wouldnt take her."

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 15:24

I threw him out after he had an affair, not with the woman he is married to now. My ex-mother-in-law would have my daughter one evening a week. This carried on as the years progressed. When his now wife realised this she would turn up with her children so MiL kept changing days.

Mother-in-law’s niece is the sister of the groom and has a daughter the same age as my girl. They would go back to Ireland for two weeks in the summer. The year after they married, ex, his wife and her kids turned up in the same small seaside town to join the holiday.

Once ex turned up at his mother’s to find daughter and niece there. He must have gone home and told wife, she sped around there and tried to get her daughter into MiL’s car, when MiL said no she wanted my daughter to get out and when that failed demanded to know which cinema they were going to.

Ex cannot see our daughter without his step kids.

My daughter has a close relationship with the family of MiL’s sister. It is the ultimate low for him to try and stop her from going. Her stepsister told her about the invitation as it arrived at their house.

It is my job to teach my daughter resilience in life but this is not such an occasion. This is her family. I don’t even see how her presence could ruin his evening. Anyway it is resolved and she is going.

OP posts:

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 15:27

It was inevitable that my daughter would find out about the wedding from MiL, aunt or cousins.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 18/09/2023 15:33

At 11 surely she should make up her own mind if she wants to go or not. If her Dad doesn't want to take her fair enough. She is going with her Gran so her Dad won't have to watch her. Just because there are step children it doesn't mean she shouldn't still get some 1-1 time with her Dad. After all he's her Dad and the step children get to see him every day. Good for your DD sorting this out herself. It shows she's mature. I think it's horrible of her Dad to not even tell her about the invitation from her own family member.

Primproperpenny · 18/09/2023 15:38

Thank God he’s your ex!

Ellie1015 · 18/09/2023 15:41

Wow exh and his wife are awful. Well done to you and mil for not taking his nonsense.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/09/2023 15:42

It sounds like your Ex's family are deliberately trying to exclude his step family and that's causing resentments and issues all around.

As others have said, MN usually favours "all kids or none"