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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex turned down invitation on behalf of our child

123 replies

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 13:52

My ex has turned down a wedding invitation from his cousin for my 11 year old daughter because his wife’s children aren’t invited so they are going on their own.

My daughter’s step-sister told her. She rang me to collect her.

My daughter was close to this side of the family as a child. She rang my ex mother-in-law whose nephew this is and she said my daughter can go with her and she is disgusted with ex.

My ex is fuming with me saying it’s his family. I am arguing his daughter is his family and deserves to go to occasions with them that she was actually invited to.

Their relationship with his step kids isn’t anything to do with her.

He is destroying his relationship with his child, they can’t go anywhere together without one of his stepchildren tagging along. She is refusing to go to his house again.

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 18/09/2023 16:41

“All kids or none” is such bs.

bride and groom
are blood with one of these children… Of course you shouldn’t expect a wedding invite for your SC, if there’s no relationship. And you most certainly shouldn’t exclude a child that is related and invited because your SC weren’t invited.

Who does that!???? Honestly?? Who?

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:41

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/09/2023 15:42

It sounds like your Ex's family are deliberately trying to exclude his step family and that's causing resentments and issues all around.

As others have said, MN usually favours "all kids or none"

I think I'd be reluctant to include as the 'new' wife seems to want it her way or no way.

Maybe she hasn't built a relationship up with her MiL first?

And I do think steps should be part of the new family (usually)

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:42

harriethoyle · 18/09/2023 15:46

How long has he been a step parent? I presume for a relatively significant amount of time seeing he is now married to DW. I can totally understand why he is saying to his family that they don't get to pick which of his children, biological or step, are included - all kids or none is entirely fair, IMO.

Not if the step-kids have no relationship with the couple getting married

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:44

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 16:15

He has been married for four years. His step kids do not have a father.

My child never sees her Dad alone.

Whatever the arguments are re: step kids and weddings, this has nothing to do with my daughter.

He has weaponised her.

I genuinely believe that he has now destroyed his relationship with her.

I would like to think that the step-kids are welcomed into the immediate family (so your ex MiL etc) but that doesn't mean they have to be invited to more distant occasions

Original poster
CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 16:53

@FinnRussell My ex definitely wants to spend time with my daughter but never spends 1:1 with her. This is my daughter’s complaint.
My ex MiL, aunt and cousins saw them all joining them on holiday as gate crashing and my daughter was upset.

@harriethoyle genuinely I wasn’t being horrible to you. I think your explanation would have worked with my daughter if the children were full siblings or even if she liked them, but my daughter would see your explanation ( genuinely not criticising you) as putting the stepchildren on an equal footing with her in her own family.

Those people saying it’s not my business; my very upset daughter is most definitely my business.

I know nothing about the parentage of the stepchildren as that’s really not my business.

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 18/09/2023 16:54

This is so bloody sad.
Where all the kids have different relatives you need to accept that sometimes it's not about the step "family unit".
He's a silly man to put his step kids before his own daughter.
I don't think he needs to worry about his child free night, sounds like his daughter won't want to be anywhere near him anyway.

OhmygodDont · 18/09/2023 16:56

Eugh pushy new wife who wants to intrude on every moment the existing child has with her own dads family when it’s not even his time.

Terrible for DD, her dad’s priority is his new wife and her children over his own daughter and at 11 I’d definitely start saying she’s old enough to be deciding if she wants to go to his for visits.

Exmil and op/dd can still have a relationship outside of his involvement as per this wedding now clearly and the weekly sleepovers and two week holidays.

Ghastisflabbered · 18/09/2023 16:57

AgnesX · 18/09/2023 16:19

The child was invited - in her own right. Why shouldn't she attend? You're missing the fact that it's still her family and her cousin.

Her father should be ashamed of himself, relegating his own child to the sidelines.

Show quote history

How can an 11 year old child be invited in their own right? She’s been invited because she’s her fathers daughter.

It sounds like her father considers his step family to be as much family as his blood family, in that situation I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of in ensuring ALL his children are treated equally.

His family sound pretty shitty to be honest and I wouldn’t be encouraging my daughter to have a relationship with them. What sort of people exclude children just because they happen to have married into a family rather than been born into it.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/09/2023 16:58

Maybe the family should have tried harder with the step children... but the girl has ended up feeling like she isn't as important to her father as her step siblings... and that he wants her to be "pushed out" of the family altogether.

Maybe the grandmother prioritises her as her father doesn't... I know my MIL tries extra hard with my DN due to her father (MILs son) not caring about her.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2023 16:59

Are you happy with him making decisions about what you do and don't do with her in your time?

I understand her upset, but parents have the right to decide they're not taking the kids. It isn't for the child to decide if their parent has to take them.

If it's on his contact time you're within rights to refuse to help and get him to sort childcare but I don't think it's reasonable for you to dictate what he should do.

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 17:01

I understand her upset, but parents have the right to decide they're not taking the kids

Giod job MIL is taking her then

Someoneonlyyouknow · 18/09/2023 17:01

It's great your ex-MiL is maintaining such a good relationship with your DD but sad she's not being so welcoming to her son's stepchildren. If he has another child will she also treat that grandchild totally differently to it's siblings? Blended families will always have mixed relationships and some children with more 'family' than others but it's never the children's fault so erring on the side of kindness seems a good idea. Might be good for the father to allocate some 1-1 time to each of his children as the 11 yr old obviously feels her feelings and wants are secondary to the stepchildren

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 17:04

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 17:01

I understand her upset, but parents have the right to decide they're not taking the kids

Giod job MIL is taking her then

I'd be extremely annoyed I decided for whatever reason to not take my daughter somewhere and my mother overrode that decision. People may not like the ex's decision, but he's the parent and she's 11 and therefore a minor. It's his decision as her parent.

wordler · 18/09/2023 17:16

At the very least he and his wife should not have discussed the issue in front of the step children as that’s caused the main issue of upset - being told by her step sister that she was invited but isn’t being allowed to go.

I imagine the message wasn’t delivered in a particularly nice way either.

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 18/09/2023 17:24

@Ghastisflabbered what a daft comment! Of course she can be invited in her own right! Being 11 doesn't make you not a person!

She is friends with the cousins children. Of course she would be invited. Sounds like she has an existing relationship with the cousins extended family - and is therefore invited. Presumably the step siblings don't have that sort of relationship so are not!

housethatbuiltme · 18/09/2023 17:30

harriethoyle · 18/09/2023 15:46

How long has he been a step parent? I presume for a relatively significant amount of time seeing he is now married to DW. I can totally understand why he is saying to his family that they don't get to pick which of his children, biological or step, are included - all kids or none is entirely fair, IMO.

But this isn't the step kids family... I am a step kid and I wish people would stop forcing this narrative that I should be 'family' to strangers.

I have THREE families (mam, bio dad & step dad who raised me)... my half siblings only have TWO (mam & step dad).

Now my mams family has almost all died off now, my bio dads family mostly ignore me except my nana and 1 aunt (who have passed) and my step dads family is tiny... but still I have THREE whole families already (I had EIGHT grandparents in my youth).

I ALSO have step mother (actually in my life I have had MORE than one) but I am NO part of her (any of them) family and do not want to be. I do not know them and they are zero relation too me, I have never even known the step siblings let alone grandparents and cousins. I also get on fine with HER, no bad blood at all.

I do not NEED yet another family... I have more than enough already. Stop trying to force even more on us we are NOT 'missing out'.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 17:34

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 17:01

I understand her upset, but parents have the right to decide they're not taking the kids

Giod job MIL is taking her then

It doesn't work like that though. She's not going to ignore her dad at the wedding, he will end up looking after her.

housethatbuiltme · 18/09/2023 17:34

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 17:04

I'd be extremely annoyed I decided for whatever reason to not take my daughter somewhere and my mother overrode that decision. People may not like the ex's decision, but he's the parent and she's 11 and therefore a minor. It's his decision as her parent.

Show quote history

No its the decision of the invitor and the invitee.

The Bride can invite OP if she wants regardless of his new family... he gets no say in who is invited to go or if they go and who they go with.

OP DD was invited as was MIL they are choosing to go together. He doesn't get to demand a family member doesn't attend. He can choose not to go HIMSELF if he is offended.

TheLoveofAWestie · 18/09/2023 17:34

I think YABU sorry.

It sounds like these children don't have a dad and your ex has stepped up. It's harsh of your ex-mil to exclude them and your undermining that by letting your DD go to the wedding.

I get he should be making 1-1 time with all DC, but his family are making that harder. It doesn't matter that your DD doesn't like them they're her siblings.

ScribblingPixie · 18/09/2023 17:50

I agree with you that your ex has weaponised your daughter, OP. There's obviously beef with his family about his new wife & step kids, which is an unhappy situation, but it simply isn't right that your daughter gets 'sacrificed' to make a point when she has an independent relationship with her grandma and the rest of the family. I see their point, but I think your daughter going with her grandma is a fair way to navigate the problem.

Ghastisflabbered · 18/09/2023 17:52

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 18/09/2023 17:24

@Ghastisflabbered what a daft comment! Of course she can be invited in her own right! Being 11 doesn't make you not a person!

She is friends with the cousins children. Of course she would be invited. Sounds like she has an existing relationship with the cousins extended family - and is therefore invited. Presumably the step siblings don't have that sort of relationship so are not!

I never said it didn’t make her a person did I?

But at 11 it’s unlikely she has a relationship with her fathers adult cousin independently of her father and can’t attend the wedding without the assistance of an adult - so no, she wasn’t invited in her own right.

Notagains · 18/09/2023 18:17

How can an 11 year old child be invited in their own right? She’s been invited because she’s her fathers daughter.
I don't think she has .I think she has been invited because she has a relationship with the people getting married. And has been very close to that side of her family all her life

needtonamechangeforthis1 · 18/09/2023 18:57

@Ghastisflabbered but the OP has clearly stated that her DD HAS got a relationship with the cousins daughter and family! And one independent of her father at that!

IamnotSethRogan · 18/09/2023 19:02

I duno, I've gone to weddings without the children when they've been invited because we quite fancied a child free night. Also I would be annoyed if I was going to have a child free night and my ex sorted it with my mum to bring my child because even if someone else brings them, I'll still be looking after them.

I say this without knowing all the dynamics.

GloriousGoosebumps · 18/09/2023 19:07

I absolutely agree with the Op. Her daughter received an invitation in her own right from a relative who obviously loves her and values her as a member of her family. Of course, it’s her daughter’s decision about whether she wants to attend the wedding. Her father was being a prat when he refused on her behalf just because his step children were not invited and perhaps he should work to ensure that the family see his step children often enough to form a relationship with them. I applaud the grandmother for ensuring her granddaughter can attend the wedding. So many grandparents cut their grandchildren out of their lives when their sons push them to.