Ex turned down invitation on behalf of our child

[CrispyDosa]

My ex has turned down a wedding invitation from his cousin for my 11 year old daughter because his wife’s children aren’t invited so they are going on their own.

My daughter’s step-sister told her. She rang me to collect her.

My daughter was close to this side of the family as a child. She rang my ex mother-in-law whose nephew this is and she said my daughter can go with her and she is disgusted with ex.

My ex is fuming with me saying it’s his family. I am arguing his daughter is his family and deserves to go to occasions with them that she was actually invited to.

Their relationship with his step kids isn’t anything to do with her.

He is destroying his relationship with his child, they can’t go anywhere together without one of his stepchildren tagging along. She is refusing to go to his house again.

Yes but an 11 year old needs to be dropped off and collected. Unless you're suggesting that op calls the ex MIL and drops off daughter at the wedding to MIL's care?

No they’re not. They’re the children of a woman her dad has married. I would bet my house that they have never met the couple getting married. The DF’s wife will be invited as his ‘plus one’, DD invited as she is part of the family.

But it's the OP who has an opinion on whether she 'deserves to go'. To an event that has nothing to do with her (the OP).
What OP should have said was 'DD rang grandma because she wants to go. Take it up with your own mother not me. I can't prevent her from going if someone wants to take her'.
But instead OP has said 'daughter deserves to go' in this case it doesn't matter whether the daughter rang of her own volition or not it looks like OP is the instigator. OP is commenting on the ex's parenting, saying the ex is wrong, when what he does with his daughter for his family events have nothing to do with her.
If all OP did was hand over granny's number and allow the daughter to go, saying 'I can't stop her' but not commenting on the ex's choice then yeah, she really has nothing to do with it.

If my children are invited to a wedding or anything and I decide they aren’t going, then they don’t go. That’s up to me as the parent. This was absolutely none of your business.

OP is the girls parent too @Namerequired

She has an opinion but she hasn't instigated. It doesn't really matter what OP said to him, because OP isn't the one doing it:
"I think exMIL is right" = exMIL takes her
"I agree with you but dd has arranged it with your mum" = exMIL takes her
"I'm not involved, speak to your mum" = exMIL takes her

His mum is the one that is doing it, not OP. He is unreasonable for being furious at OP over it, the daughter probably already probably had her grandmas number, and even if she hadn't seems to see her regularly and would have spoken to her when she next saw her. He can be mad at OPs opinions on it, but OPs opinions isn't going to influence the actions of the daughter or his mum which is the cause of the upset.

You could say OP could say no to the grandma, refuse to hand DD over, talk to the grandma herself - but that WOULD be OP inserting herself into his family which everyone is saying she should stay out of. He needs to deal with his mother, not refer anger onto OP.

You don't actually know what the cause of the upset is though.
Is it because daughter is going anyway, as you said and OP's facilitating that?
Or because OP questioned his right to make decisions on his daughter's behalf for his side of the family?
If he'd said 'why is she going' and OP started ranting about how it's her 'right' and ex is wrong for not taking her I can see why he'd be furious. If OP had just said 'you didn't want to take her so someone else did. Take it up with them' he might've just done that.
Anyway the girl is going and that's that but the subject of the AIBU is ex turning down the invitation, to which I say he is not being U as she's 11, a minor and it's HIS family event. OP is being U to question his right to make decisions.

If the question was 'AIBU to let my daughter go after making her own arrangements with grandma' then my answer would be YANBU.

The reality is that your ex sees himself, his wife and all their children as a combined and blended family.

I actually think we have seen so many threads where the advice is either it's the bride's choice or you can say no.

Your ex sees his step children as children of his family now which is actually really nice. He has considered it rude to ask whether his extra children can come along too but has decided that the children if his family should be treated equally. I think he has done the right thing by all the children.

I am surprised that MN comes up with such opposite ideas depending who is posting.

Wow, what a nasty post. I trust none of your siblings end up in a blended family situation because it would be awful for them to have you as a step aunt if this is how you'd feel about your siblings step children.

Yes but that is somewhat idealistic and comes with caveats.

There was a thread the other day where an OP had an invitation to a wedding on her partners side that invited her young child (5ish?) with her current partner but excluded her older kids (pretty much adults) that had a decent relationship with his family. She originally decided to avoid upset she would tell all the kids it was only parents invited and leave the 5yo with childcare. That was fine, a lot of people thought that was a good solution.

Here is says the step sibling told the daughter about the invite. Basically one or both parents had told the wife's kids they weren't invited so they were preventing OPs DD from going as a result, which they have then potentially gone and gloated about to the OPs DD. It hasn't been done to avoid upset and the kids have gotten involved.

Also the DD is older. At some point you have to respect the kids can make their own decision. When the DD is 18 and she is invited to events and step kids aren't surely he can't still expect to prevent her going irrespective of how he sees his family? When does the cut off lie? To me it's when they're capable of independently organising themselves, be it getting themselves on a train or bus to and from the event without him facilitating or organising an alternative lift as she has with her grandma.

My sister had step children for a while and I’d have thought she’d taken leave of her senses if she’d put them on equal footing with my nephew, or pretended they were his actual siblings, let alone expected us to. She never did and it’s a good job for everyone involved since they disappeared from our orbit instantaneously when she got shot of their horror of a father.

What has happened to the mumsnet trope of “you must treat stepchildren as if you were your own”?

if this were a woman posting about taking her own child and leaving the stepchild behind the responses would (and have) be very different.

this dad is treating them equally. They all go or none do. I thought that was the gold standard of making sure stepchildren don’t feel left out?

Yes but it’s not her family wedding. When it’s her side it’s her decision.

He and his partner decided they were attending without kids. What's the issue??

I am surprised that MN comes up with such opposite ideas depending who is posting

It's not really surprising.

The Mumsnet trope of 'all children in a stepfamily must be treated equally' has been trumped by 'mother is always right, ex is always wrong'

The child in this case does not want to go to her dad's house now as he always includes the SC in the only time she sees him. She spends the vast majority of time at her mum's.

I'd argue that this dynamic is more about ignoring her wants and needs with her dad and his wider family in favour of the new SC. She is also 11 and has a great relationship with her grandmother. The cousins also wish to keep that relationship strong and include her.

Her father is not standing up for her and her relationships and she is very hurt. She feels ousted by her dad and he is doing very little to support her.

Her grandmother is trying to maintain the relationships DD had taken for granted when she was younger, but that the divorce and remarriage is jeopardising.

I'd also observe that OP is still very involved with ex's family and that is possibly a bone of contention with exDP and his new wife.

If the grandmother wants to help DD, that is her right. And exDP to take up with his mother.

There’s pretty much never a total consensus about treating all the kids the same. You might only note the responses you agree with on other threads, but that’s not the same thing.

I agree that it’s wrong the step kids haven’t been invited however it’s really wrong for your ex to have DD excluded and make the sacrifice when HE AND HIS WIFE ARE GOING TO THE WEDDING. If they really wanted to make a point they wouldn’t go.

Bansheed

The SC live with the ex should they be removed when the DD comes to stay?

Yes the DD does have a great relationship with the Grandmother, But I suspect that she gets spoilt and the Grandmother has made clear that she wants as little as possible to do with the SC and their mother (her son's wife)

The cousins from what has been posted haven't had much to do with the DD for some years.

We don't know how much the father does for his DD'd relationships but other than this he doesn't seem to be standing in her way.
I suspect that all children in this type of relationship feel ousted by SC that live full time with their NRP.

The OP doesn't seem that involved with the ex's family just the grandmother.

Regardless op isn’t wrong though.

Dds family want her at the wedding.
Dds grandmother wants to take her to wedding.

Dads only mad probably because the new wife is mad that their plan of making DD miss out to try and force a step invite won’t work. Bit like imposing on granny dd sleepovers and long standing granny/other family/dd holidays. They haven’t been able to weasel their way into something for DD.

Dds fathers family won’t give in to their demands basically and are not willing to give up their relationship with the DD either.

Thank god some people are actually putting her first rather than the dads new wife’s feels about her children. come today gone tomorrow if they split. DD is their family forever.

Also how lovely that the op has a good relationship with ex mil etc that her daughter still gets to have this time with her fathers side of the family uninterrupted.

Has your daughter seen or been to her dads house since this happened? How is her relationship with her Dad now?
I hope she is still able to go to the family wedding.

His step kids do not have a father

And therein lies the root of the problem.

That depends on the family. I'm very close to some of my cousins, not so much others.

YES EXACTLY THIS. It’s not great that the stepchildren aren’t invited, but it’s even worse that your DD should be excluded because of this when Dad and wife will go and enjoy the wedding. Depending on their age, I’d also question whether stepkids would actually want to go!