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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex turned down invitation on behalf of our child

123 replies

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 13:52

My ex has turned down a wedding invitation from his cousin for my 11 year old daughter because his wife’s children aren’t invited so they are going on their own.

My daughter’s step-sister told her. She rang me to collect her.

My daughter was close to this side of the family as a child. She rang my ex mother-in-law whose nephew this is and she said my daughter can go with her and she is disgusted with ex.

My ex is fuming with me saying it’s his family. I am arguing his daughter is his family and deserves to go to occasions with them that she was actually invited to.

Their relationship with his step kids isn’t anything to do with her.

He is destroying his relationship with his child, they can’t go anywhere together without one of his stepchildren tagging along. She is refusing to go to his house again.

OP posts:

harriethoyle · 18/09/2023 15:46

How long has he been a step parent? I presume for a relatively significant amount of time seeing he is now married to DW. I can totally understand why he is saying to his family that they don't get to pick which of his children, biological or step, are included - all kids or none is entirely fair, IMO.

Theunamedcat · 18/09/2023 15:48

How long have they been together?

Honestly if mil wants to prioritise her biological grandchild she can dad has no say in this especially if she is having her on her own days and not intruding on his time good for you supporting that relationship fwiw I tried to support a seperate relationship with nan after ex and I split he finally managed to stop it by having more children and telling her she would never see them unless she stopped seeing my daughter left a real bad taste in my mouth tbh

Stepmum sounds jealous

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 15:57

@harriethoyle - all kids or none is entirely fair, IMO.

Fair to whom? Not fair to my daughter. How is it fair to my daughter that she misses out on a family occasion?

OP posts:

harriethoyle · 18/09/2023 15:59

@CrispyDosa You've asked for my opinion and that is it, regardless of whether you agree. I am quite sure you'd be protesting if only SC had been invited to an event and not your DC.

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 16:05

I feel pretty sorry for the step daughter too. Her mother tried to get her to be taken by her step granny and being told no. What a horrible situation for her to be put in.

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 16:07

@harriethoyle Of course I would have moaned if only step children were invited to an event hosted by my daughter’s family, which excluded her.

My daughter was absolutely distraught when I picked her up.

What would you have said to her? Genuinely interested. Genuinely not being combative. How would you say to her that her dad was being ‘fair’ to her?

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 18/09/2023 16:08

How long has he been with wife? Do the kids live with them?

If kids live with ex and wife then his family are being massively unreasonable not inviting his wife's children.

There was a thread on here about same thing and most people agreed whole family go or none

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 16:11

Awful!

Well one for sticking up for your DD OP. That’s awful that they took a “Well if stepkids can’t go neither can DD” approach to this. Mean mean mean

ReaIIyThough · 18/09/2023 16:11

You've asked for opinions but you are very against anyone who disagrees with you. Putting yourself in his situation, you have a DH and step kids that you treat as your own. The step kids aren't invited, but your DD is. You'd feel this is ok to the stepkids? I personally wouldn't go if my step kids weren't invited but my child was. So that's the bit I think he's being a bit unreasonable about. But the fact that this is only his cousin, so your DDs second cousin, I dont think it's a major issue in how he's handled it. All or none.

ASimpleLampoon · 18/09/2023 16:14

I agree with you and ex mil but I'm sorry to say its not something you can control.

Sad for your DD her father is an idiot.

All you can do is support her though.

MoonShinesBright · 18/09/2023 16:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

towriteyoumustlive · 18/09/2023 16:14

Your ex is MARRIED and this woman is his wife, and her kids are his step kids e.g. a family unit.

To just invite "the biological child" to the wedding is rather rude.

But, your ex is equally rude to then just go on his own. Either they ALL go or they should make a stance against the invite not including the step children and none of them should go.

So on the basis that he is still planning on going, then I'd say let your DD go with MIL if that's ok with the bride/groom.

Original poster

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 16:15

He has been married for four years. His step kids do not have a father.

My child never sees her Dad alone.

Whatever the arguments are re: step kids and weddings, this has nothing to do with my daughter.

He has weaponised her.

I genuinely believe that he has now destroyed his relationship with her.

OP posts:

MasterBeth · 18/09/2023 16:17

It's none of your business.

gogomoto · 18/09/2023 16:19

I'm kind of in 2 minds as I think it's a bit rude not to invite the step kids to the wedding, on our blended household everyone gets invited (youngsters wise, though they are adults) if it's a family occasion. 4 years married is a good length of time too.

Recinding her invitation but going himself I find mean though

septemberoctobernovember · 18/09/2023 16:19

He has been married for 4 years to a woman whose chidren he lives with 100% of the time and who he is in all senses the father. Of course he's furious. The bride / groom are totally out of order not inviting and I don't blame him for reacting as he has done

AgnesX · 18/09/2023 16:19

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 14:17

I think this is up to your daughters Dad. I dont think an 11 year old gets to choose what they attend, and he has every right to just go with his wife. Imagine the other way around if you thought sod it let's have a night out without kids (which a lot of people do), and your ex made the decision that that's not happening. It's not your fight to pick or get involved in.

The child was invited - in her own right. Why shouldn't she attend? You're missing the fact that it's still her family and her cousin.

Her father should be ashamed of himself, relegating his own child to the sidelines.

Ezzee · 18/09/2023 16:19

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 16:15

He has been married for four years. His step kids do not have a father.

My child never sees her Dad alone.

Whatever the arguments are re: step kids and weddings, this has nothing to do with my daughter.

He has weaponised her.

I genuinely believe that he has now destroyed his relationship with her.

With kindness OP you are the one who has weaponised her.

FinnRussell · 18/09/2023 16:19

The bit that I don't get is the OP is complaining the ex doesn't want to spend time with his daughter but on the other hand complaining he also went when the daughter was invited on holiday with the ex's cousin. I don't get the shock and and anger that a dad goes on a family holiday too and takes his wife and step kids. A thread recently advised the person to leave child at home because step kids weren't invited so to save upset the couple should enjoy child free wedding. Someone is always going to be upset, it's the kids I feel sorry for, step kids included.

harriethoyle · 18/09/2023 16:21

@CrispyDosa I would have explained to her that her Dad didn't think it was fair that only one of the three children in his family unit had been invited, that it was unkind to leave people out, and so he'd decided none should go. It's pretty simple.

Having read your update that he's been married for 4 years and his SC don't have contact with their own father, I'm not surprised he's taken that view. His family sound like dicks.

saraclara · 18/09/2023 16:24

There was a thread on here about same thing and most people agreed whole family go or none

Yes, and it shows that threads like that are not as simple as they seem. Here is a child who was about to miss out on a big event for family that she is very close to, something that she'd have been thrilled to be invited to.
There is no easy win in these situations. Who do you prioritise? The children who've been around for four years and aren't fully integrated into that side of the family, or the blood relative who's been part of it all her life, been on holidays with these people, and presumably loves them?

Duckingella · 18/09/2023 16:28

There's a lot going on there isn't there?

The insistence on DD's dad/DD's paternal family only being allowed to see DD when the step children are present by the new wife smacks heavily of insecurity.

I'm also assuming from this behaviour that her kids dad/dads family are either not involved or have only occasional contact.

She (new wife) seems desperate to have a "new family" for her kids.I'm surprised she hasn't encouraged your ex to stop seeing your DD.She seems controlling.

I can perhaps see your ex MIL being upset by her new DIL's attempt's to control the relationship between her and her granddaughter;that's not right.

Your ex should have been the bigger person and spoken to his cousin and politely asked if step children come also attend;it's as simple as that.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 16:36

Oh dear. I'm fully in agreement that he should not have turned down the invite on the basis of the SC not being invited but at the same time, I do not think it's right for somebody to take somebody child to an event their parent will be at against their will.

We actually had something similar to this - DP and I, plus kids including DSS were invited to a cousins wedding. It was a long way away and none of the kids were good travellers so we decided we would go alone and have a grown up night. Then PIL decided they would pick up DSS and bring him. We were furious as we would not have chosen to bring one child and not the others, and it's not exactly like we could ignore DSS and have a night off, if we were there he would naturally gravitate towards us and end up in our care. I do not think it is right for somebody else to foist that on somebody who has not agreed to it.

His reasons were wrong imo but he was entitled to decide not to take her. I think you and the person taking her (lost track of some of the people involved here) have overstepped.

saraclara · 18/09/2023 16:38

The person getting married is the ex's cousin. Not a sibling. The cousin has no reason to even have met their cousin's second wife's children. So expecting them to pay for multiple extra guests that they don't know, is a bit much @Duckingella

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2023 16:40

CrispyDosa · 18/09/2023 15:24

I threw him out after he had an affair, not with the woman he is married to now. My ex-mother-in-law would have my daughter one evening a week. This carried on as the years progressed. When his now wife realised this she would turn up with her children so MiL kept changing days.

Mother-in-law’s niece is the sister of the groom and has a daughter the same age as my girl. They would go back to Ireland for two weeks in the summer. The year after they married, ex, his wife and her kids turned up in the same small seaside town to join the holiday.

Once ex turned up at his mother’s to find daughter and niece there. He must have gone home and told wife, she sped around there and tried to get her daughter into MiL’s car, when MiL said no she wanted my daughter to get out and when that failed demanded to know which cinema they were going to.

Ex cannot see our daughter without his step kids.

My daughter has a close relationship with the family of MiL’s sister. It is the ultimate low for him to try and stop her from going. Her stepsister told her about the invitation as it arrived at their house.

It is my job to teach my daughter resilience in life but this is not such an occasion. This is her family. I don’t even see how her presence could ruin his evening. Anyway it is resolved and she is going.

His wife is a loon!!

I'm surprised his mother wants anything to do with her at all - do they have any children together?

I'm all for step-children being included but this is nuts!!

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