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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset that nursery have assumed this is the reason...

132 replies

Jc56 · 18/09/2023 12:33

My son is nearly 4 and has been attending the same nursery since 18 months old, his older sister also went here. He goes Monday to Friday and has made strong friendships with another boy his age and his cousin who also attends so he tends to just play with them 2 which nursery have told me many times but they didn't say it was a problem.

Last year, he was friends with an Asian boy who's now left for school. His key worker is Asian and they have a BRILLIANT relationship, she's absolutely amazing with him.

So I was really taken a back today when I collected him and the nursery manager asked if she could have a word with me. She said today, they was doing an activity which involved holding hands with other children and DS friend & cousin wasn't in this particular activity. She said he wouldn't hold hands with any Asian children and maybe it's because he doesn't have many friends outside of nursery who are Asian or that they have a different skin colour so he's unsure 🤔

I didn't even know how to respond, I did point out he's never been keen on interacting with ALL the children and he has just had a few strong friendships. It is not unusual for him to not want to hold hands with other children.

It's really upset me that I felt she was insinuating DS purposely wouldn't hold hands with these children because they have a different skin colour to him, he's a child! And he has made friends with children of different races not that it matters to me or DS so I'm really just baffled why this came out of the blue today. She said they've never had "this" problem with him before now. I'm not sure whether to speak to DS about it or not, the manager said she hasn't mentioned it to him?

I cant understand why she's decided that because he wouldn't hold hands with other children she's concluded it must be because they are Asian 🤔🤔🤔

OP posts:
NeedMyDress · 18/09/2023 12:42

I think that's really wrong that she's said that to you. To clarify- did he say anything that could be taken negatively about children with a different skin colour? Did he hold hands with any of the other children aside from his cousin?

It seems a preposterous leap to say he wouldn't hold hands with only Asian children and it's because he doesn't have Asian friends outside of nursery.

For many young children their entire social network IS nursery! I wouldn't accept this criticism as she's painting a very unfair and damaging view of your child (and you as an extension) and I would want to speak to the nursery manager about that's been said.

Oooooooooooo1 · 18/09/2023 12:46

agree with @NeedMyDress , I think she has jumped to an unfair conclusion without finding out facts

Original poster
Jc56 · 18/09/2023 12:47

She said he finally held hands with another little boy (not asian) his cousin and friend wasn't in the same group at the time and I think that's why he wouldn't hold hands with anyone.

I honestly felt mortified, like you say, most children their social network is nursery and for DS that is so true he only has a couple of friends out of nursery that we meet up with every few weeks or so. They've literally never mentioned anything like this before so I feel really confused as to why she jumped to a big conclusion after one activity knowing that, he DOES have positive relationships with Asian children & his key worker and that he just has 2 children that he prefers to play with.

She said he didn't say anything negative just that he didn't want to hold hands

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 18/09/2023 12:50

I still remember being called in because my toddler 2/3 handed a black child a black dolly when they where playing house as that was clearly their baby as they matched.

I was told I needed to watch our for future racism 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ her best boy friend at school is black sometimes I swear preschools make huge deals out of nothing and gloss over their own inadequacy of issues. Like huge staff turn over due to managers being shit.

NurseryNurse10 · 18/09/2023 12:53

She is being utterly ridiculous. I would be tempted to write into headoffice stating that I do not appreciate her insinuations.

Original poster
Jc56 · 18/09/2023 12:55

I felt like she was insinuating we are racist and its rubbed off on him it was awful, I could kind of understand it if he was a new child and it had happened a few times AND other things that suggest it was due to skin colour but he's been there for years now and had Asian friends and his key worker who he absolutely loves so it makes no sense to me ! I keep feeling like I need to ring them but I don't know what to say

OP posts:
jessycake · 18/09/2023 13:02

So she is managing a nursery and her first conclusion is a rather adult racial discrimination one rather than not want to hold hands with children that are not his friends .

Sugargliderwombat · 18/09/2023 13:06

This is a ridiculous conclusion for someone to make, is the nursery manager white ?

NeedMyDress · 18/09/2023 13:06

I'd also be interested to know why she's said he has no Asian friends outside of nursery - why is she assuming that?

Children aren't inherently racist - from my experience they accept others as they are. Racism is something that is learned along the way. She is implying you are a racist family who don't expose your toddler to people from other backgrounds and it's rubbing off on him. She is completely out of line.

Mariposista · 18/09/2023 13:06

It would be so rare for such a young child doesn't make discriminations based on skin colour. How often do you get kids of two different ethnic backgrounds pretending to be twins/brothers etc because they are wearing the same t-shirt or whatever. The nursery manager sounds a bit dim. Not all children like physical affection and holding hands with others (just like some adults don't like hugging everyone).

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/09/2023 13:10

Crucial informaton missing here. If he refused to touch any of the Asian children but happily held hands with the white children, she has a point.

Hiddenvoice · 18/09/2023 13:10

It would be upset too and feel she’s jumped to conclusions. Personally I’d want to follow this up and highlight that your child was probably nervous and didn’t want to take anyone’s hand. The fact that he had to be encouraged to take someone’s hand pointed out he wasn’t being discriminatory.

Also how does she know who his friends are outwith nursery? She’s made a very wrong assumption here and I wouldn’t be happy with it.

Catsfrontbum · 18/09/2023 13:10

She really has projected and jumped to a dreadful conclusion. She needs some diversity and inclusion training pronto.

I would go back and have a conversation with her about it, but I would try hard not to get angry with her, as it is a lack in her that needs addressing.

midlifecrash · 18/09/2023 13:14

Why not talk it through with the key worker, surely she would have raised it if there were any concerns?

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 13:15

Jesus Christ I'd actually take my child out of a nursery if they accused him of racism as their first interpretation of normal preschooler behaviour of having boundaries and not touching random children he doesn't know. DS has just turned 4 and started reception, and they literally have a no touching policy. Some kids don't like enforced human contact. Like adults don't.

LondonLass91 · 18/09/2023 13:15

She has projected her own issues in to your child. She's actually really out of order.

Original poster
Jc56 · 18/09/2023 13:16

No I answered this further up, he wouldn't hold hands with any children the eventually held hands with another white child but was hesitant so it's definitely not that he wouldn't hold hands because of skin colour he just didn't want to

I've text just explaining that DS simply didn't want to hold hands with anyone and that they have seen him have good relationships with the Asian children . It is bad that she assumed I only have white friends and only socialise DS with white children 🤔

OP posts:
LondonLass91 · 18/09/2023 13:16

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 13:15

Jesus Christ I'd actually take my child out of a nursery if they accused him of racism as their first interpretation of normal preschooler behaviour of having boundaries and not touching random children he doesn't know. DS has just turned 4 and started reception, and they literally have a no touching policy. Some kids don't like enforced human contact. Like adults don't.

I agree

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/09/2023 13:19

Jc56 · 18/09/2023 13:16

No I answered this further up, he wouldn't hold hands with any children the eventually held hands with another white child but was hesitant so it's definitely not that he wouldn't hold hands because of skin colour he just didn't want to

I've text just explaining that DS simply didn't want to hold hands with anyone and that they have seen him have good relationships with the Asian children . It is bad that she assumed I only have white friends and only socialise DS with white children 🤔

Sorry, I missed the post where you said that.

I hope the nursery apologises.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 18/09/2023 13:21

Catsfrontbum · 18/09/2023 13:10

She really has projected and jumped to a dreadful conclusion. She needs some diversity and inclusion training pronto.

I would go back and have a conversation with her about it, but I would try hard not to get angry with her, as it is a lack in her that needs addressing.

I have a nagging feeling she's just "done" some diversity and inclusion training and this is the result. Some of it makes a mockery of diversity and inclusion TBH.

Mistressanne · 18/09/2023 13:22

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/09/2023 13:10

Crucial informaton missing here. If he refused to touch any of the Asian children but happily held hands with the white children, she has a point.

But it’s not racism at that age.
My ds, age 3, said he didn’t like brown people (ds’s words) for a while because our very friendly Tanzanian post office clerk tipped him upside down thinking he would like it. He didn’t, he was terrified and in his eyes only a brown person had ever done this so his conclusion was brown people were scary. He wasn’t being racist, he just made a wrong connection. If he’d been racist he wouldn’t have forgotten about it a few weeks later.

Spacemoon · 18/09/2023 13:25

I would absolutely be addressing this with the head of early years. She has handled this appallingly and clearly needs further diversity training.

What a strange thing to jump to the conclusion about with regards to a 4 year old child! My youngest is the same age and I think I wouldn't have been able to control my laughter if it were me. They are FOUR.

Even with the age taken out of the equation...why are they making such a big deal out of it if a child doesn't want to hold hands? Surely they should be allowing bodily autonomy. And why the assumptions about who your DS socialises with out of school? Very strange, unprofessional and quite frankly a bit concerning.

trampoline123 · 18/09/2023 13:25

I'd be upset too OP.

I bet she's just done a diversity course or something and reading far too much in to it.

I'd gather my thought, get my head straight and ask for a chat when you next drop him/pick him up.

Mondaysareboring · 18/09/2023 13:26

Sounds like a very far fetched assumption to make. You are right to be angry at this because it is totally out of line to come to this conclusion. If it were a mixed race or black child refusing to hold hands, I doubt you would have heard anything about it.
I’m not sure where I’d go from here if I was you.

Tanith · 18/09/2023 13:29

Make sure this hasn't been noted down as a concern. If it has, you'll need to counter it in writing, or it could follow your child right through his education.