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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset that nursery have assumed this is the reason...

132 replies

Jc56 · 18/09/2023 12:33

My son is nearly 4 and has been attending the same nursery since 18 months old, his older sister also went here. He goes Monday to Friday and has made strong friendships with another boy his age and his cousin who also attends so he tends to just play with them 2 which nursery have told me many times but they didn't say it was a problem.

Last year, he was friends with an Asian boy who's now left for school. His key worker is Asian and they have a BRILLIANT relationship, she's absolutely amazing with him.

So I was really taken a back today when I collected him and the nursery manager asked if she could have a word with me. She said today, they was doing an activity which involved holding hands with other children and DS friend & cousin wasn't in this particular activity. She said he wouldn't hold hands with any Asian children and maybe it's because he doesn't have many friends outside of nursery who are Asian or that they have a different skin colour so he's unsure 🤔

I didn't even know how to respond, I did point out he's never been keen on interacting with ALL the children and he has just had a few strong friendships. It is not unusual for him to not want to hold hands with other children.

It's really upset me that I felt she was insinuating DS purposely wouldn't hold hands with these children because they have a different skin colour to him, he's a child! And he has made friends with children of different races not that it matters to me or DS so I'm really just baffled why this came out of the blue today. She said they've never had "this" problem with him before now. I'm not sure whether to speak to DS about it or not, the manager said she hasn't mentioned it to him?

I cant understand why she's decided that because he wouldn't hold hands with other children she's concluded it must be because they are Asian 🤔🤔🤔

OP posts:
whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 16:35

IvyIvyIvy · 18/09/2023 14:07

This is pretty racist to be honest. Kids say what they see but it's school and parent responsibility to correct children on how to behave. Nicknames stick- being called Sam Brown is a bit like Charlie Fat, or Dave Short, or Freddie Yellow, Bobbie Wheelchair, Alex big nose. Imagine going through your whole school life being called a name that essentially ties your identity to something that makes you stick out when you just want to blend in and be accepted. Of course they'll say they don't mind- they want to be liked.

Show quote history

This is idiotic. You don't have a nickname for life because one kid called you that at the age of 2, ffs.
Its exactly the kind of thing any child would do at that age, they say what they see. Its categorically not racist.

IvyIvyIvy · 18/09/2023 16:39

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 16:35

This is idiotic. You don't have a nickname for life because one kid called you that at the age of 2, ffs.
Its exactly the kind of thing any child would do at that age, they say what they see. Its categorically not racist.

Show quote history

This was reception year at primary school. You don't think White Sam and Brown Sam wouldn't catch on? That a few of the four year olds would start using it because Brown Sam said he didn't mind? And before you know it he's leaving primary school with his cohort and feeding into secondary school as Brown Sam. I know plenty of people who carry nicknames from primary school - good and bad. This sort of thing needs to be nipped in the bud. Not unkindly. Children need to be educated.

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 16:43

SamWhite and Sam Brown, not White Sam and Brown Sam. Nice attempt to twist to your narrative but it doesn't work. And no, I don't think it will catch on, at all. You teach them its not appropriate, but inappropriate does not equal racist.

supersonicginandtonic · 18/09/2023 16:44

Oh ffs! My daughter was accused of racism in nursery when she dressed up as her friend Halima's mum, by putting a headscarf over her head. Halima's mum is Muslim she is one of my best friends.

Eyelashesoffire · 18/09/2023 16:45

I'd be pretty pissed off about them overriding his physical boundaries. Fair enough holding hands if it's important for safety but forcing it just for a game?

Lavender14 · 18/09/2023 16:49

It seems like a bit of a leap for her to make based on a one off interaction especially given your ds's previously positive relationships and his preference for a small social circle. I would say there's something in there too about not being forced to hold hands or have contact with anyone ds didn't want to hold hands or have contact with including other children. To me that's all part of respecting bodily autonomy so I'd probably go back to her from that perspective.

punnetofcherries · 18/09/2023 16:51

I have a story from a fair few years ago when my DD was young. She asked another girl in her class why she didn't eat pork.
The little girl was Jewish but my DD didn't have a clue what Jewish was let alone that it was a different religion to herself or indeed that the girl was Jewish.
All she knew was that in lunch one day the little girl was given an alternative meal as 'she didn't eat pork'
Naturally a five year old DD asked her why?

We then got hauled into the school office and were accused of showing racism as this little girl had gone home and told her parents that punnetofcherries DD had asked her why she didn't eat pork.

My daughter was made to write a letter of apology - and it was at this point we withdrew her

IvyIvyIvy · 18/09/2023 16:51

whatwasthatgrandma · 18/09/2023 16:43

SamWhite and Sam Brown, not White Sam and Brown Sam. Nice attempt to twist to your narrative but it doesn't work. And no, I don't think it will catch on, at all. You teach them its not appropriate, but inappropriate does not equal racist.

I'm terribly sorry. You are right. Simon slitty eyes and slitty eye Simon are completely different. One is racist one is not. So if I called you 'Whatwasthatgrandma bigot', I wouldn't be calling you a bigot. Sorry if you are offended- I am just stating what I'm seeing, which is fine, right? That word order makes it fine?!!

NDfamily · 18/09/2023 16:58

I wouldn't worry, my profoundly disabled child once hit another at nursery and the manager suggested it could be because said victim child had English as a second language. My child is non verbal...

We just replied 'probably not the reason'.

IvyIvyIvy · 18/09/2023 16:59

Separately to the ongoing Sam Brown discussion. Agree they shouldn't have forced the hand holding unless it was a safety concern. Don't see any issue as to enquiring why he was funny about holding hands 'ie. Do you think he could be shy about holding hands with kids that look a little different from him? Does he not like holding hands? So you do hand holding activities at playgroups?' Agree nobody should be calling the child a racist or jumping straight to that conclusion.

lemmein · 18/09/2023 17:06

Absolutely ridiculous!

They're being fairly racist themselves in only seeing colour as a possible reason why a child wouldn't want to hold hands 🙄

YewTree84 · 18/09/2023 17:19

I wouldn't even engage, it's completely pathetic.

I sent my first to nursery, I was younger then and had few options. If we had a second, there's just no way. From past experience, the quality of the people that work in those places are awful. I mean, they pay a pittance so I'm by no means surprised.

It always fascinates me that we put so little importance on early years care, what is more important than that? Expecting a 19 year old with an NVQ to nurture doesn't cut it.

This may seem harsh, and it is. I know there are exceptions to the rule.

NowWhattt · 18/09/2023 18:01

saythatagaintome · 18/09/2023 15:49

@Jc56 do you only socialize with people of your race? What about your child’s books at home… are they diverse? Not saying that your baby is prejudice, but if he did refuse to hold hands with children who didn’t look like him and happily held with others that did, then maybe he is just a little?

id also like to note that I dislike how schools force children to sing kumbaya and be besties and play together when some might not want that. Sounds like your boys wishes weren’t respected, when he said he didn’t want to hold hands. Forcing a child to hold hands when they don’t want to is teaching them that their boundaries aren’t important.

What has singing Kumbaya got to do with it and who does that in school these days anyway?

My children attend a CofE school and they don’t sing Kumbaya ever, if at all.

There is nowt wrong with not wanting to interact with a person, irrespective of their skin colour.

🙄

NowWhattt · 18/09/2023 18:03

Sorry pressed send too soon.

A person’s ethnicity or race has nothing to do with interacting with them. This child is three years old. They did not want to play with another child . End of.

Its madness .

Rosscameasdoody · 18/09/2023 18:10

PinkPlantCase · 18/09/2023 14:51

This seems more like a huge over reaction from you tbh and everyone saying they’d pull DC out of nursery because of it.

A good nursery with a settled child who has built strong, stable relationships with other children and staff is invaluable.

I don’t know why you’ve taken this to heart OP. The nursery asked a question you could have just shrugged it off. It sounds like he just didn’t want to hold hands.

It’s not an over reaction. Stuff like this gets added to records and an accusation of racism - even at the age of three or four - can follow a child through school. It needs to be properly sorted out and OP needs to make sure her childs’ boundaries are respected.

avocadotofu · 18/09/2023 18:13

That's such a leap. I'd be really unhappy what she suggested.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/09/2023 18:15

NurseryNurse10 · 18/09/2023 12:53

She is being utterly ridiculous. I would be tempted to write into headoffice stating that I do not appreciate her insinuations.

Yes and Ofsted. Ridiculous.

mumtotwox · 18/09/2023 18:15

Something similar happened to me with my son. At pick up one of the key workers said he would cry and refuse to be held by "two Indian key workers". I was gobsmacked. He was 10 months at the time.

Original poster
Jc56 · 18/09/2023 18:28

It's just bonkers isn't it? I've said to DP if DS was a new starter, doing more than just not wanting to hold hands with the Asian children and making comments, I get it. But he's been there for years now, he's had friendship with the Asian children, his keyworker is Asian and he loves her he doesn't leave her alone! So why does one little incident of him not wanting to hold hands suggest that its because the other children was Asian, I feel so sad about it and let down by them (I say them, it was just the manager no other staff have said anything and this is the first time she has) I'm going to ask the other staff tomorrow

OP posts:
toddlermom99 · 18/09/2023 19:05

This is such a weird conclusion to jump to about a 3 year old who probably could not care less about the colour of peoples skin. Honestly baffling!

Lahdedahiam · 18/09/2023 19:26

mumtotwox · 18/09/2023 18:15

Something similar happened to me with my son. At pick up one of the key workers said he would cry and refuse to be held by "two Indian key workers". I was gobsmacked. He was 10 months at the time.

Dear god! What did you say!?!

Lahdedahiam · 18/09/2023 19:28

mumtotwox · 18/09/2023 18:15

Something similar happened to me with my son. At pick up one of the key workers said he would cry and refuse to be held by "two Indian key workers". I was gobsmacked. He was 10 months at the time.

Well I hope you had a serious word with your baby! Also imposed some consequences for him?

Lahdedahiam · 18/09/2023 19:29

Totally ridiculous, it's as likely they had shoes or a t-shirt he didn't like on!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/09/2023 19:52

I guess none of you have encountered the child in class who has been told by their parents that they're not to touch any Black or Brown child for all of the racist reasons.

We did - child of two Police Officers, by the way - followed up by telling the other kids including DD 'You mustn't play with her because...' and inviting every child to her party 'except anybody brown'. Strangely, DD wasn't available.

She wouldn't have been the only child in the class subjected to that racist brainwashing - she was the most vocal about it because she heard it all the fucking time from her parents, though.

NowWhattt · 18/09/2023 20:16

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/09/2023 19:52

I guess none of you have encountered the child in class who has been told by their parents that they're not to touch any Black or Brown child for all of the racist reasons.

We did - child of two Police Officers, by the way - followed up by telling the other kids including DD 'You mustn't play with her because...' and inviting every child to her party 'except anybody brown'. Strangely, DD wasn't available.

She wouldn't have been the only child in the class subjected to that racist brainwashing - she was the most vocal about it because she heard it all the fucking time from her parents, though.

That is just awful. Poor child 🩷