To be really upset that nursery have assumed this is the reason...

[Jc56]

My son is nearly 4 and has been attending the same nursery since 18 months old, his older sister also went here. He goes Monday to Friday and has made strong friendships with another boy his age and his cousin who also attends so he tends to just play with them 2 which nursery have told me many times but they didn't say it was a problem.

Last year, he was friends with an Asian boy who's now left for school. His key worker is Asian and they have a BRILLIANT relationship, she's absolutely amazing with him.

So I was really taken a back today when I collected him and the nursery manager asked if she could have a word with me. She said today, they was doing an activity which involved holding hands with other children and DS friend & cousin wasn't in this particular activity. She said he wouldn't hold hands with any Asian children and maybe it's because he doesn't have many friends outside of nursery who are Asian or that they have a different skin colour so he's unsure 🤔

I didn't even know how to respond, I did point out he's never been keen on interacting with ALL the children and he has just had a few strong friendships. It is not unusual for him to not want to hold hands with other children.

It's really upset me that I felt she was insinuating DS purposely wouldn't hold hands with these children because they have a different skin colour to him, he's a child! And he has made friends with children of different races not that it matters to me or DS so I'm really just baffled why this came out of the blue today. She said they've never had "this" problem with him before now. I'm not sure whether to speak to DS about it or not, the manager said she hasn't mentioned it to him?

I cant understand why she's decided that because he wouldn't hold hands with other children she's concluded it must be because they are Asian 🤔🤔🤔

I'm sorry, naively I didn't think parents could be that vile to a small child.

I was foolish.

So I assume the SamWhite is also as bad then?Although you haven't mentioned that

I’m British Pakistani and it doesn’t sound like your DS has done anything wrong. I wouldn’t take it to heart.

The only thing I can think of is could there be confusion with another child who may have said something racist?

Or maybe there have been some racist incidents and the nursery are being extra mindful and a bit heavy handed?

I agree with you. I don’t believe the 4yo was describing other kids as Sam Brown and Sam White without some adult help.

There are still people in this country to think they’re not racist but have no qualms about using terms like ‘ch””ky’ and ‘pa”” shop’

Why are they forcing kids to hold hands

I’ve encountered that several times working in education and childcare.

However, the OP’s child refused to hold the hand of any child until repeatedly badgered by staff so it’s clearly not what happened on this occasion.

She sounds awful!!!! Your son just didn't want to hols hands with anyone..and that's fine.

I definitely have an issue with it if 'sam white' was in the minority and he was made to feel different from everyone else because of this nickname.

@IvyIvyIvy what about Sam Wheelchair? Sam Glasses? Would you label the child "disablist" then?

Of course they are both ableist terms. Would you like to be referred as that at your workplace?

My SD got a mark against her name at Juniors for racism. A boy called her a 'white poo poo head'.....she has very light blonde hair.

So she called him a 'black poo poo head' .....as he had black hair.

Nothing at all to do with skin colour from either of them.

Yet she was labelled racist

I honestly don’t think that children that age (unless brought up within a racist family) have the bones to become racist. I think they are factual

the fact they are blaming it on the fact he doesn’t interact with other races outside of nursery is ridiculous.

im pretty sure my little boys nursery friends are all white (I don’t think there’s anyone of any race in his nursery class) and we do one baby class a week (also no one of any other race attends the class). We don’t really see anyone else apart from family

by the sounds of it your little one is as antisocial as mine as he wouldn’t want to hold anyone’s hand either 😂

I am a teacher. Children have no concept of race or difference at this age unless they have been specifically taught to take notice of it.
If discrimination isn’t something which has been taught in your household, which I assume it definitely isn’t, then your son was most certainly not making any objection to the boy’s race.
They may have had an argument in the past or simply just aren’t friends. It is silly that the manager would instantly jump to racism on your child’s part without considering any other factors, because if he was a white child, she wouldn’t have thought twice.
It is part of her duty of care to let you know if anything raises eyebrows, however it shouldn’t have raised eyebrows in the first place. This reflects more badly on the manager’s views than anybody else and I would complain.

The problem is not yours or your son's but it is the nursery workers problem.
Forget it children don't see friends in colours. That is an adult concept. Your son will be fine.

Sorry this has understandably upset you OP. I own a large day nursery and this is nonsense. The lovely thing about little people is that they’re born with pure hearts and racism for example is learned behaviour. I feel the nursery management are fearful of the ‘race card’ so have made this assumption possibly to demonstrate how they deal with issues of this nature (they will be asked if OFSTED visit)
You’re right to feel aggrieved. It might help to send them an email or private message on their app outlining your feelings and asking them to explain (in writing) how they have reached this conclusion and details of their policies. But please don’t worry - the fact that your little person has his own mind is a demonstration of his developing sense of self ! X

That is utterly ridiculous. He’s not even 4, he cannot possibly be racist. I’d be putting a complaint in, you do not have to stand for accusations like that.

I’d also be raising the issue of body autonomy, if he didn’t want to touch/be touched by another child, that needs respecting.

I’ve had 3 kids go through preschool/nursery and they’ve never had to hold hands with other kids.

Perhaps he's missing the Asian friend who's left to start school & the other Asian kids remind him of him?

A similar thing happened to me when my DS was at nursery. He had a difficult relationship with one of the other children in his group. I was taken aside one evening by the nursery manager who asked me to look at a photo of all the children in the group. She said that DS didn't get on with one of them and then pointed to a child of colour and asked me if I could notice a difference between this child and all the other children in the group who all happened to be white, and if this was the reason that he didn't like them. I was absolutely mortified! I just didn't know what to say but knew clearly what she was getting at. As it turns out my DS was quite a strong willed character and the other child was exactly the same so they just clashed. To imply that racism was the reason just utterly stunned me.

No way is your little boy refusing to hold hands because the other children are Asian. He’s unlikely even to notice different skin colour at his age. It’s nonsense. As PP said, she’s been on some diversity course and applied it to the children instead of potential issues amongst staff. Don’t tell him, it’s so divisive.

Fkg cheek!!ask her how many strangers she's held hands with this week? Ask how many chinese friends her n her husband dine with outside of work? Ask her how comfortable she'd be if the Asda manager asked all the shoppers to hold hands with the nearest stranger in the isle......like how we expect babies to share their toys with other children yet keep our own personal things to ourselves. Imagine doing a car pool to work and sometimes asking to drive your car for the rest of the week because it's THEIR turn to have a go.
Massively overstepped her boundary on this one OP remind her it's not a crime to not want to hold hands with people you don't know well!! Let her know it's NOT state school she's running but a babysitting service and how wrong she was for not only forcing your child into doing something he/she was not comfortable with but to pull you to one side and complain to you about it is disgusting!! Tell her if she ever puts your child in an uncomfortable situation again you'll be contacting the local authorities!! Put her firmly in her place!! You're the parent and I expect she made your child feel quite uncomfortable as I would be holding hands with my work colleagues

I never really comment on posts, much more of a reader, but could not let this one pass. For those that are saying children can’t be racist, as someone who as experienced this both growing up personally (and continue to do so) and seen it directed towards my children - they really can. To give an example, shopping in a supermarket one day, a young girl (I’d say around 3/4 years old) pointed at my son and said “Look mummy, he’s a dirty face, yucky!”. On another occasion, I’d parked in front of someone’s house to go and pick my children up from school. The house had a driveway big enough for 3/4 cars, but the curb was dropped for a single part of it (if that makes sense). There was no yellow lines etc and of course I parked in the area further back away from the dropped kerb. When I returned to the car with my children, the homeowner was standing on the driveway and begin shouting at me angrily saying I’d blocked her driveway. I calmly explained that I hadn’t and that I’d been careful to ensure my car was well clear of the dropped kerb. She had a young son next to her, who could not have been older than 5 or 6 years old. He laughed and shouted “be careful mum, she might blow you up!” - I’m a visibly Muslim woman. Both these episodes are at the very tame end of what I/my children have experienced - I don’t have the emotional strength to relay some of the other experiences at this time.

I’m not passing comment on the OP, but do want to make a broader one about some of the base assumptions here. Children can and do replicate racist ideas. They can and do develop ideas about is good and “normal”. Children pick up on what their parents and teachers say (and don’t say), who and what they see on TV, what their dolls look like, and how other people are treated in their schools and neighbourhoods. The messages they pick up from their environment shape their beliefs and judgments about other people - consciously or otherwise. Children are not “colour-blind”. There is plenty of research already out there which shows that racial biases can develop at very young ages.

I would very much appreciate it if people did not respond to this post by suggesting I perhaps misinterpreted what the child said, and/or intention. I was there, the parents reaction was very telling, and as I said before it’s the tip of a very painful iceberg. The worst thing about sharing experiences of racism is people constantly negating and gaslighting. And no, there will be no diagram to show how I was parked.

To the OP, I’m sorry, this isn’t particularly helpful for you. Putting aside the race/racism issue, I would not want any child to be forced to hold hands with anybody else if they are not comfortable. As much as we talk about the importance of ‘consent’ these moments undermine this important message - and it’s one that must start young. As a parent though, I would have a gentle conversation with my child to discuss why they were upset.

Here are some interesting studies in a book I've been reading:

• Kelly et al in 2005 found that at birth, babies look equally at faces of all races. By three months, they look more at faces that match their caregivers.
• Hirschfield in 2008 found that children as young as two years use race to reason people's behaviours.
• Katz and Kofkin in 1997 found that by 30 months, children use race to choose playmates.
• Aboud in 2008 found expressions of racial prejudice often peak at ages 4 and 5.

This confirms that children are capable of racist actions and that intervention from caregivers and parents is important.

I guess the studies show that, contrary to the general consensus on this thread, very young children do see and act on race. Maybe the nursery worker is aware of this research.

Still not a fan of forcing children to hold hands. Some work on consent required here.