AIBU to be creeped out by my interviewer

[Peregrine93]

Hello,

I am a long time mumsnet lurker but finally made an account to get some advice.

I am a single mum going back to work and finally managed to get an interview and got offered the job during the interview which is amazing but I got a creepy vibe and I’m not sure what to do or if I’m overreacting?

It seems a really great job and I even got offered over the advertised salary so would love to be able to accept it.

It’s an part time office assistant role. It’s walkable for me which is great and they indicated they can be very flexible for child care and they have great benefits with good holiday.

The creepy bits. It was just an interview with one man who is older maybe mid 50s.

When I came in he said “please sit down your back must be hurting you”.

I also caught him staring at my chest a lot during the interview. I do have large breasts so unfortunately I’m used to this but it seems very inappropriate to do that during the interview and I felt a bit uncomfortable.

He said he would love to offer me above the advertised salary because he thinks I would be a great fit for the company and he would love to see me around the office.

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

I’m so frustrated because I would really like to take the job but don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if he was being inappropriate.

Please any advice welcome x

Never ignore your intuition, it is a powerful thing. I would agree with people saying it is highly inappropriate that this man touched you. It is very easy for a person not to touch another person, we all go through our days easily not touching strangers. It really is not that hard.

I also agree that you should not take this job and you should provide feedback that the interviewer made you feel uncomfortable and explain why, exactly as you wrote in your original post.

If you are a returner to work there are many employers who actively seek out a diverse recruitment pool, especially large construction companies. Are there any in your area? If so go on their website and look for the recruitment page and reach out to them. You can also Google them to see what their employees say about them on Glassdoor. The larger the company and the higher their Glassdoor rating the better their HR policies will be and the more opportunities for on the job training and career progression and salary rises.

You can definitely find a great job and have a much more rewarding interview experience!

Sorry, have I just fallen into a time warp and woken up in 1965??

I cannot believe how low some people’s standards are!

And of course she’s not going to sue him! Get real!

I voted YABU because this didn't happen.

This an email stating what he said to his boss and explaining that you found it unacceptable.

believe your gut!

I have my suspicions too. 🤔

Which bit? And why?

I accepted the job today and am meant to be starting next week. I’m going to try and see how it goes and just hope that he won’t be too bad and will be less bold when there are other people around in the office

Go with your gut and ick🤮

I wouldn’t take it. Your gut is usually right.

I got the ick from my interview in my current job (diffeeent reasons though) ad. Turns out the culture is a terrible fit. X

its not about low standards, she’s being offered a very good deal here which will put her in a good financial position, she will have an easy time in this job because he is keen on her , she should use it to her advantage

all he can do is stare at her boobs and make pathetic comments which a lot of men do anyway and if he ever does try to cross the line , she has a case for sexual harassment but my guess is that he won’t cross that line

He's made comments about her physical appearance and her qualities as a piece of decor, and has touched her inappropriately.
He's ALREADY crossed a line and, if you really don't see that, please please have a good hard think, because you're not doing yourself any favours, and you are contributing to women continuing to be seen as second-class citizens and accessories to men.

I'm big chested and have had numerous men over the years stare at my chest when talking to me in work, I don't wear tops that show them off but they are hard to hide. I've had to develop a very thick skin, but find saying "my eyes are up here " and then replying to the question generally works.

It's not a nice feeling, and I don't really like confrontation but sometimes it is needed.

Good luck in the job

If it's local to you can you ask around and see if anyone you know has heard why previous employees have left or if they frequently need to replace their female employees? If this is your first job in a while you may well find that securing another will be easier as you have current evidence of competence, time keeping etc etc so don't stop looking for something else. Keep your wits about you, make sure you're not needing anything from the stationary cupboard or the tiny staff kitchen if he's already there or is around to follow you in, if possible don't be alone with him, decline all offers of overtime or anything that might be a favour that he'd hold over you.

She wasn’t “touched inappropriately” , men are like this everywhere,
I don’t think women should have to pass up good jobs and opportunities because of some sleazy boss, hes testing her boundaries it’s up to her to stand up for herself
she is protected by the law

i accepted the job. I refuse to be pushed away just because of a sleazy boss.

im not going to let men dictate my life

I hoped all these creepy old buggers were dying off but it seems nothing changes. Trust your instincts OP and remember that men like this see everyday normal interactions with women as a 'come on'. Really, they do. So watch yourself.

Since you took the job, you need to make sure your boundaries are rock solid.
If he touches you tell him not to do it again.
Have your phone ready to record.

Also I would suggested reading up on the fear responses.
Fight, flight, freeze, fawn.

If like many women because of how we are socialised you default to the latter two, think about how you will disrupt that almost uncontrollable response. Practise in your head shutting something down rather than laughing along. Even something simple like putting your hand out line a 'stop' signal and saying "don't do that" can be effective.

Is the company on glassdoor, are there any reviews form former employees?

do a search.

make sure you join a union before you start. I was going to say accept as the “your back must be hurting” comment went over my head initially! I thought you’d been waiting ages. Now you’ve taken it, be vigilant and don’t let him touch you in any way. Try and get a desk near other women if possible so there are witnesses to interactions - good luck.

Gosh I thought this sort of behaviour went out during the 1970s. He sounds like a character from a Carry On film!

Take the job because you want the job and should not feel sexually harassed out of it.

Deal with him as appropriate when you are actually in the role.

I mean mid 50s isn't an old man. You might have a colleague in her 50s - call her an old woman and you will also be in trouble in the office. Seems discriminatory views run both ways.

Speak up if something happens in the office. You are an adult. Be factual and assert yourself should there be something inappropriate. Set limits, have boundaries and report if it is inappropriate and crosses them. Same thing we teach kids from a very young age.

@Peregrine93 congrats on taking the job. Now you should get into the mindset to be assertive and confident.

If he touches you, you shrug him off. If he continues, you make a semi-serious joke "Hey Bob, with the way you keep touching me, I'd wonder if I was Marilyn Monroe come back to life. Anyway, no thanks, boss man." Laugh and walk away.

If you catch him staring at your boobs "Hey, Bob, my face is up here lol". You do that each and every time and he should get the message loud and clear that a) he is being a creep and b) you won't entertain it.

I've found this stops most of the creeps because they rely on you being quiet, shy and embarrassed to keep doing it. When you 'fight back' verbally, they shyte it and move on.

You could even email a colleague (BCC your home email in) asking "Hey, is it just me or does Bob get a bit too touchy feely sometimes? Ive also noticed him staring down at what is probably my boobs."

End of the day, if he wouldn't and doesn't do it to a man, he shouldn't do it to you. Keep a log of anything that makes you uncomfortable or crosses boundaries. Collect evidence and take him to a tribunal if this starts to really bother you or he tries to punish/sack you for standing up for yourself.

Don't feel going the extra mile like recording him in your phone is too far if this gets serious.

She wasn’t “touched inappropriately” , men are like this everywhere
The second half of this sentence doesn't explain or even properly relate to the first.
Maybe you meant 'It's not unusual that she was touched like this, men are like this everywhere'?
Which doesn't make it OK.

Yes, it is up to her to stand up for herself. If it were me, that would have taken the form of contacting whoever is behind/above this man immediately to tell them what happened. And contacting the non-emergency police to log it.
Once someone is in a work situation with someone who behaves badly and who is superior to them at work, it's alarmingly easy to fall into the 'don't want to rock the boat' mindset, rather than lawyering up and going for the guy, as one would hope would happen.

when I said, She wasn’t “touched inappropriately”
I was referring to when he touched OP's back, that isn't being touched inappropriately,
it's ambiguous enough to be passed off as innocent

men are like this everywhere, i was referring to him staring at OP's boobs

OP said that he said he would love to see me around the office.
again, it could be sleazy, but it could also be explained away as an innocent comment,
he could just mean that she's a great fit for the company and he would love to see her work there

It all comes down to whether OP can put up with this,
him making comments that may or may not be sleazy, him taking glances at her boobs when he thinks she is not looking
I could definitely ignore all of that, for a good salary but some women will not put up with this mild sleaziness and that is ok too