AIBU to be creeped out by my interviewer

[Peregrine93]

Hello,

I am a long time mumsnet lurker but finally made an account to get some advice.

I am a single mum going back to work and finally managed to get an interview and got offered the job during the interview which is amazing but I got a creepy vibe and I’m not sure what to do or if I’m overreacting?

It seems a really great job and I even got offered over the advertised salary so would love to be able to accept it.

It’s an part time office assistant role. It’s walkable for me which is great and they indicated they can be very flexible for child care and they have great benefits with good holiday.

The creepy bits. It was just an interview with one man who is older maybe mid 50s.

When I came in he said “please sit down your back must be hurting you”.

I also caught him staring at my chest a lot during the interview. I do have large breasts so unfortunately I’m used to this but it seems very inappropriate to do that during the interview and I felt a bit uncomfortable.

He said he would love to offer me above the advertised salary because he thinks I would be a great fit for the company and he would love to see me around the office.

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

I’m so frustrated because I would really like to take the job but don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if he was being inappropriate.

Please any advice welcome x

Bottom of your back and top of your bottom are 2 different things. Sometimes people without thinking kind of gently touch your back guiding you out of a door etc, it doesn't mean anything malicious.

Did you have bags with you? Had you walked far? Was there any other text to the comment?

And the looking at your boobs thing, yes thats not right at all. Hard to judge without seeing what he actually done though, was he glancing all around as he was talking and you perceived it as that, or was there no doubt he was just sitting there looking at your boobs?

As if! There's trolling and there's trolling 😂😂😂

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

I wouldn't describe it as sexual assault but absolutely completely inappropriate in a work setting.

Sexual assault?

MN is a breeding ground for pearl clutching snowflakes

It's embarrassing

OP, was there anything you said or did that might have indicated to him that your back might be hurting for whatever reason?

If not then the only reason I can think of for offering you a seat "because your back must be hurting you" would be him riffing off the popular laddish joke about women with strikingly large breasts having bad backs.

You said he couldn't stop staring at them and by the time he got to the "love to see you around the office" comment, my eyes were rolling. It doesn't matter if he touched you on the back or the bum: everything listed above would send up warning flags for me.

Take the role and see how it goes then, that would be my advice.

He sounds like a perv and as someone with big breasts you do come to notice quite quickly when people are paying them too much attention. The bit about seeing you around the office was the worst part for me. I’d be concerned about working with him alone (if everyone else is out of the office, or if you need to get a lift anywhere with him) and never really feel safe - I couldn’t live like that. If this is what he’s like to someone who owes him nothing, imagine how much worse he might behave to someone he sees as relying on him for a living?? I’d be afraid of him groping or worse.

If you’ve got this job you can get another one. But it’s your choice.

That's red flag behaviour for sure. Are you on any benefits that will stop if you take the job? because taking it then quitting it if he's unbearable to work with may well F up your entitlement.

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

Do not take this job.

If the company has an HR department, or if you went through a recruitment agency, report all the things you’ve said here to them.

You're not overreacting - trust your instincts. Report him.

Okay - just spotted that it's lower back. I still wouldn't be happy. Only you were there - if you're creeped out, don't take the job.

A man you’d never met before touched the top of your bottom without first gaining your consent. Yes, that’s sexual assault.

If men don’t want to be accused of sexual assault, it should be fairly easy to keep their hands away from woman’s bodies.

Wherever he put his hand, he touched you without consent.

Old fashioned attitudes etc etc etc but plenty of men his age know that this is not acceptable now.

I wouldn't take the job.

Unfortunately I do know the difference between a casual glance and a man spending too much time staring at my breasts and he was definitely doing the latter.

I think I’m going to accept the job and hope he’s not too bad. Just so annoyed that we have to just put up with this kind of thing.

he’s the director I think so it would be quite hard to report him. I don’t know if there is a separate HR team or not because I don’t work there yet

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

Even if all the other stuff is just you being "paranoid" or over reacting, this would be enough to make me never go back.

Fair enough: I know times are tight. Hope it goes okay OP!

Ok OP but I’d be using it as a stopgap while looking for something else. You do NOT want to financially reliant on a predator xxx

I didn’t have any heavy bags or anything. Just a small handbag and I didn’t make any reference to it so I. think the hurting back comment was made simply because of the size of my boobs.

What are some good tactics that I can use to try and shut him down if he tries a similar thing? I’m a bit new to the office life

What are some good tactics that I can use to try and shut him down if he tries a similar thing? I’m a bit new to the office life

You could say "Yes please, I would love to work for you" all over again? You know, like you did this time?

Don't stop your job search. Keep looking and applying while taking money from this one.

I wouldn't say you need 'tactics' really. I mean I guess a 'tactic' is to keep everything professional with him. And I mean everything - don't talk about your personal life, your family, your weekends etc. I know this sounds a bit OTT but its about putting up boundaries - you're there to work, not chat, not flirt, not banter. Sleazy men will always try and find a point of connection as a 'way in' - don't give him one.

But you need one-liners:
"Don't touch me"
"Take your hand off me"
"Your behaviour is making me uncomfortable"
"You're behaving inappropriately"

You need to deliver these one-liners clearly and confidently. Don't smile, don't say 'please'. Look him in the eyes when you say it.

Find out the company's policies on harassment. If he's inappropriate more than once, follow up in a formal email to him and whomever else is appropriate once you find out the lay of the land (office managers, HR person, etc). Do this every single time he does something inappropriate and cite the company policy at him.

TBH, if its a small company and he's a director and there's no HR department then it mightn't get you very far but it sends a clear message that you're not to be messed with.

I think I’m going to accept the job and hope he’s not too bad.

If that's the best behaviour he can muster during a job interview, do you honestly think his behaviour is going to improve once you're relying on keeping the job to put food on your table?

Just so annoyed that we have to just put up with this kind of thing.

You don't have to put up with it - you don't even work there yet so there's still time to run for the hills.

he’s the director I think so it would be quite hard to report him.

If he's in charge, how do you think the rest of the staff are going to behave? What if your colleagues behave in a similar way? Who will you report their behaviour to? Him?

I would have to be starving before taking that job. The effect of someone harassing you can be massive and long reaching.

No way would I be taking this job.
why the hell would you give him so much power of this job AND your future jobs??

trust your instincts. Value yourself more.

It’s mad that you would put yourself in the position of starting a job when you already have been treated unprofessionally and you know you are going to be fending this creep off to the point where you are already creating strategies to protect yourself.

You’re jeopardising your future roles if you take this.

I know you are worried about how long it will take to get the next job but you are putting yourself in a bad position because if you need to leave quickly due to this guy’s behaviour (likely)

, you will have to explain to your next employer/interviewer why you are leaving so quickly.

Even though it would be no fault of your own, it’s just a conversation you just don’t need to have.

They may think you’re flakey for leaving so quickly. They may think you are a trouble-maker. If he’s your line manager, you’ll need his reference.

You May find that if you rebut any advances, he takes against you and writes an awful reference.

No, no, no.

This is dreadful advice.

Tactics?? One liners??? Check the company harassment policy???

This is before she’s even taken the job!

He’s already tested the water and shown you how you can expect to be treated.

If you take this job you are showing you have NO clear boundaries and ARE to be messed with.

The trouble is you second guess yourself. You think perhaps I miss heard or it's because I've been standing or my shoes etc etc