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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be creeped out by my interviewer

102 replies

Peregrine93 · 18/09/2023 10:29

Hello,

I am a long time mumsnet lurker but finally made an account to get some advice.

I am a single mum going back to work and finally managed to get an interview and got offered the job during the interview which is amazing but I got a creepy vibe and I’m not sure what to do or if I’m overreacting?

It seems a really great job and I even got offered over the advertised salary so would love to be able to accept it.

It’s an part time office assistant role. It’s walkable for me which is great and they indicated they can be very flexible for child care and they have great benefits with good holiday.

The creepy bits. It was just an interview with one man who is older maybe mid 50s.

When I came in he said “please sit down your back must be hurting you”.

I also caught him staring at my chest a lot during the interview. I do have large breasts so unfortunately I’m used to this but it seems very inappropriate to do that during the interview and I felt a bit uncomfortable.

He said he would love to offer me above the advertised salary because he thinks I would be a great fit for the company and he would love to see me around the office.

When I left he put his hand at the top of my bottom as I was leaving.

I’m so frustrated because I would really like to take the job but don’t know if I’m just overreacting or if he was being inappropriate.

Please any advice welcome x

OP posts:
passiveaggressivenonsense · 18/09/2023 18:40

If you take the job call him out on it. Say " would you mind looking at me directly when we communicate it makes me feel uncomfortable if I think people are looking at my chest !"
" would you mind not touching me"
Honestly say it the first time and make him feel uncomfortable ! Then breeze on ad normal.
If he acts inappropriately tell him you find it in appropriate.

GrazingSheep · 18/09/2023 20:17

What is the advertised salary? And how much above that was offered?

JMSA · 18/09/2023 20:19

Is this for real? If so, then of course he was being highly inappropriate.

GrazingSheep · 18/09/2023 20:21

How big is the company? Would it just be you and him?

Stakhanovite · 18/09/2023 20:40

One way to go would be to ask him a series of questions about the company's culture and attitude to female employees, what are their policies to ensure equal and appropriate treatment in the workplace, do employees undergo any diversity training etc etc., and generally make it very clear what the expectations are.

LunaNorth · 18/09/2023 20:46

Uninvited touching of buttocks is Grade 4 sexual harassment. No pearl-clutching here. Just a high bar.

GrazingSheep · 18/09/2023 20:48

@LunaNorth
The op clarified that he didn’t in fact touch her buttocks. He placed his hand on her lower back.

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/09/2023 20:50

I'd have to turn it down. If this is what he was like in the interview imagine that for every hour you work there.

LunaNorth · 18/09/2023 23:09

GrazingSheep · 18/09/2023 20:48

@LunaNorth
The op clarified that he didn’t in fact touch her buttocks. He placed his hand on her lower back.

Yes, but accusations of pearl-clutching came before that clarification, I think.

Original poster
Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:36

Well lower back and bum is basically the same thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:38

It’s a smallish company and a male dominated environment to do with cars. I didn’t see another woman when I went in for the interview so that is a bit concerning because would be harder to bond with the men.

I would be responsible for general and ad hoc admin duties

OP posts:
Original poster
Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:39

It was advertised at 22k pro rata and I got offered 24k pro rata. I wish I could find a better job with someone I don’t find creepy but it’s the best money I’ve seen for this type of job and it has good flexibility

OP posts:
allthehops · 19/09/2023 14:41

I wouldn't say someone touching your lower back as they usher you out of a room was assault no.

Tbf if I wanted the job I'd take it, and if he tried anything once I started I'd deal with it.

allthehops · 19/09/2023 14:57

Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:36

Well lower back and bum is basically the same thing

It definitely isn't.

LadyLolaRuben · 19/09/2023 15:53

Take the job OP and join a union before you start - GMB for example you can do it online. Get the experience for future roles.

Keep a diary of any problems. Be prepared to leave if you feel uncomfortable. Take your diary and any other evidence to your union and they will lodge a case against your employer if your new boss has been up to no good.

Should you resign due to the issues you fear, get legal/union advice on how to word it as that is crucial for future claims. Best of luck

ClareBlue · 19/09/2023 16:04

bemorebernard · 18/09/2023 10:41

I'd take the job - I would t not in a hunch but be very ready to establish form boundaries and vocalise if creep gets over friendly .

Once you're in you'll get a better feel from the other women too

That's probably true. but even an improved feel is not appropriate in these circumstances.

truthhurts23 · 19/09/2023 16:08

Take it and get your money, you deserve it
at worst you’ll just be abit of eye candy for a pervy man
if you reject this offer and go somehow here else, there’s a high chance you will get another Perv , except with a lower salary
it’s The curse of having big boobs

you always have the safety net of suing him if he starts being creepy

HeatherMoores · 19/09/2023 16:22

Some people do stare at boobs without realising and I’ve known women that do that as well.

The ‘your back must be hurting you’ (wtf) and the ‘would love to see you around the office’ are absolute and total red flags. Completely inappropriate.

Only you know if you’re going to be able to deal with this. Either you’re going to be able to politely, assertively and successfully educate him and change his behaviour. Or you’re not, in which case I imagine things could get very nasty Just be aware of what could go wrong and what you’d do about it.

And keep an attack alarm on you at all times.

jolaylasofia · 19/09/2023 16:27

take the job. Give it a week, if he really is a creep then report it and leave

WallaceinAnderland · 19/09/2023 16:41

I wouldn't expect to be touched at all in an interview except for a professional handshake.

If he spent the interview drooling over my boobs then no, I wouldn't want to work there.

scarletclive · 19/09/2023 17:07

How do you establish boundaries? When I get stared at by men at work I just ignore, pretend I don't notice, is they something I should be saying ?! No touching by anyone either just stares

towriteyoumustlive · 19/09/2023 17:15

Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:36

Well lower back and bum is basically the same thing

No they're not the same.

Regardless, it wasn't appropriate to put his hand on your lower back.

But this gesture of hand on lower back dates a LONG way back as a protective gesture, usually a married man to his wife when in a social situation!

A hand on a bum is just a dirty perv!

towriteyoumustlive · 19/09/2023 17:18

Peregrine93 · 19/09/2023 14:38

It’s a smallish company and a male dominated environment to do with cars. I didn’t see another woman when I went in for the interview so that is a bit concerning because would be harder to bond with the men.

I would be responsible for general and ad hoc admin duties

I worked as an engineer in an office of 21 men and myself. I had no issues "bonding" with some of the men. They often forgot I was female which was funny. There were some pervy ones but I put them back in their place.

MarkWithaC · 19/09/2023 17:23

I know you need the job, OP, and so I'm saying this from a different position to the one you're in.
Even without the touching and staring, 'your back must be hurting you’ and ‘would love to see you around the office’ are deal-breakers IMO. They were utterly inappropriate. I like to think I would have repeated the 'back' comment back to him and asked him what he meant, but that's probably just esprit de l-escalier. But you take my point.

You could take the job and, as others have suggested, assert yourself and (maybe) change his behaviour.
But you may well find yourself beaten down and, if there's no HR or anyone above him, where would you turn? You'd quite possibly end up just leaving anyway and have to start looking all over again, and perhaps without a reference.

Abetterplaice · 19/09/2023 17:28

Run for the hills. It's very unprofessional to have only one person conducting an interview, for the very reasons you describe. The whole culture is wrong and this is just your first taster of how the company operates. It will get worse, not better. Trust your instincts and keep looking for a job with a reputable company