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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was thoughtless of MIL

85 replies

GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:22

This weekend DC x 2 (6,4) staying with MIL overnight. For context MIL doesn’t babysit often- maybe 4 x a year for one night which we are grateful for. She works full time but never really has plans on a weekend or evening so is free a lot. This weekend while looking after our kids she took her elder GC to buy a winter coat- they are all girls and the older is only 6m older than my eldest. MIL had offered to pay for her winter coat (her mum is a single mum so I’m guessing that’s why) which is absolutely fine but she took our girls along for this shopping trip.
This in itself is fine but she keeps making comments about my eldest also wanting a coat, trying on the same coat and trying to ask her nanny to buy it for her. Now MIL said no and just bought for eldest as planned but surely this was inevitable? My DC are young so don’t understand you don’t ask to be bought things but equally won’t understand why nanny is buying their cousin a coat and not them. She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.
I dunno just feels off. I won’t say anything and I don’t want her to buy the kids coats! I just think it’s a weird thing to do.

OP posts:
Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 22:32

Did she need the coat versus just wanting it because another family member had it? I also think the single mum thing has something to do with it.

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 22:35

She’s complaining about a six year old not understanding that she’d been taken shopping to watch their shared grandmother buy her cousin a gift?

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 22:38

Context is needed. Did the other child NEED the coat because she doesn't have one? Does OPs child NOT NEED the coat because she already has one. You don't just buy another coat for the sake of it because a child is young and might not understand. What about when your own DC1 needs a coat and DC2 doesn't, do you just buy both to not upset one of them? Context matters.

Changingplace · 17/09/2023 22:38

Who was making the comments about your Dd trying on and wanting a coat too? The other granddaughter?

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:39

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 22:32

Did she need the coat versus just wanting it because another family member had it? I also think the single mum thing has something to do with it.

I’m sure that’s it and I completely get that. Had MIL told me before the plan I could have spoken to the kids and explained (in a discrete way) why the cousin was being a bought a coat and that they wouldnt be getting one- then they would have known not to ask for one. MIL didn’t explain why cousin was getting one and not them. Kids have moved on and aren’t bothered but I just feel stuff like this breeds jealousy when there’s no need!

OP posts:
Original poster
GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:40

Changingplace · 17/09/2023 22:38

Who was making the comments about your Dd trying on and wanting a coat too? The other granddaughter?

No MIL. Sort of acting like my eldest had been cheeky and on the make asking for a coat too.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 17/09/2023 22:40

Total non issue. Gran kindly bought a coat for a kid that needed one. Your kids got a lesson that they don’t always get everything they ask for/want. That’s normal parenting, and something I’ve embedded into my two kids. If one of them needs something doesn’t mean I’ll buy the other one something too.

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 22:40

Yes its unfair to take all the grandkids to buy one grandchild a gift.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:41

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 22:38

Context is needed. Did the other child NEED the coat because she doesn't have one? Does OPs child NOT NEED the coat because she already has one. You don't just buy another coat for the sake of it because a child is young and might not understand. What about when your own DC1 needs a coat and DC2 doesn't, do you just buy both to not upset one of them? Context matters.

Absolutely agree and this situation obviously happens plenty here although I get most stuff on Vinted rather than going to the shops. MIL didn’t explain why cousin was getting a coat and not DC just that she’d promised to buy their winter coat 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 22:44

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 22:40

Yes its unfair to take all the grandkids to buy one grandchild a gift.

This. It's weird. And almost like she wants it to be a lesson for yours.

Of course you should be breezy with your eldest about it. But nanny should have known better.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/09/2023 22:44

I don't see the problem tbh, as you said, the children are not bothered now and it's easily explainable.
Also, you absolutely do not sound grateful for the sleepovers.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:46

@MrsTerryPratchett yeah That’s my thoughts. I know it’s not a big deal but it just bothered me.

OP posts:
WillowCraft · 17/09/2023 22:47

I think it's fine for her to take them along but not surprising they wanted the coat too. Grandma should have explained that they would have a coat too but not at this time. I don't think she needed to go into more detail than that. Maybe just say "you will have a coat for winter too, your mummy will make sure you have one if it gets cold" . Perhaps grandma didn't know if you'd be buying a new one or using last year's and didn't want to be too specific, or didn't want to embarrass the child who was getting the coat. Maybe getting them all a small item or treat would have been nice but she may have done that too - we don't know.

Fifthtimelucky · 17/09/2023 22:51

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 22:40

Yes its unfair to take all the grandkids to buy one grandchild a gift.

I agree with that, but I wonder whether the mother in law didn't consider the coat to be a gift and just thought of it as an essential item.

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 22:52

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 22:38

Context is needed. Did the other child NEED the coat because she doesn't have one? Does OPs child NOT NEED the coat because she already has one. You don't just buy another coat for the sake of it because a child is young and might not understand. What about when your own DC1 needs a coat and DC2 doesn't, do you just buy both to not upset one of them? Context matters.

No one is failing to understand why MIL didn’t buy OP’s children coats. What OP is rightly taking issue with is MIL taking her children along to buy their cousin a coat and then complaining that OP’s child wanted one too. Tbh, tattle-taling on anything a six year old did in your care to their parents is icky, unless there’s an actual need like someone got hurt or whatever.

queenMab99 · 17/09/2023 22:56

In that situation as a grandma, I would have just told your children that they already have winter coats, and the other child needed one. Coats are something that are bought when needed, not as a treat. Little children often ask for things when shopping, I don't see a problem, you can tell them no, not today.

2jacqi · 17/09/2023 22:59

and other grand daughter had a lesson that if you want or need something then go to the bank of gran!!!!!! not good at all!!

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 23:03

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 22:52

No one is failing to understand why MIL didn’t buy OP’s children coats. What OP is rightly taking issue with is MIL taking her children along to buy their cousin a coat and then complaining that OP’s child wanted one too. Tbh, tattle-taling on anything a six year old did in your care to their parents is icky, unless there’s an actual need like someone got hurt or whatever.

Show quote history

She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.

OP definitely had issue with this in her first message. That's why people are replying saying there's no issue with them seeing their cousin being bought a coat.

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 23:11

Woahtheremate · 17/09/2023 23:03

She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.

OP definitely had issue with this in her first message. That's why people are replying saying there's no issue with them seeing their cousin being bought a coat.

Show quote history

Yes so as I said, she didn’t have an issue with them not being bought coats by MIL - OP is presumably older than six herself and therefore doesn’t need that explained nor does she need or want MIL to buy her kids coats. The bit OP has the issue with us a) MIL taking them with her, avoidably, and b) MIL then moaning to OP about the six year old wanting a coat too. You explaining need vs want on here with lots of capital letters is pointless - it was MIL that needed to explain that context to the small child in question, if she really couldn’t do what most people would have done and just avoid the conversation coming up in the first place.

aswellascanbeexpected · 17/09/2023 23:16

Sorry, I don’t understand @GotMooMilk do your children need a coat?
I can’t imagine a child being jealous of someone else being bought such a dull item at that age.

HeddaGarbled · 17/09/2023 23:20

I wonder whether the mother in law didn't consider the coat to be a gift and just thought of it as an essential item

I think that’s quite likely.

Also, I really want to take issue with this:

She works full time but never really has plans on a weekend or evening so is free a lot

Her plans might not look like your plans but that doesn’t mean she’s “free a lot”. My plans for the weekend usually involve lie-ins, catching up with household jobs and life admin, doing things for me rather than other people, and at least half a day with my feet up. That might not look like a plan to you, but it does to me.

When you’re not as young as you used to be, and working full time, weekends are essential for catching up with yourself in order to keep healthy and relatively stress-free, and should not be commandeered by younger, more energetic members of the family so blithely.

Zola1 · 17/09/2023 23:23

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 22:40

Yes its unfair to take all the grandkids to buy one grandchild a gift.

It wasn't like it was an exciting gift.. I assume MIL just thought of it as a non event rather than something the other GC would be upset by

MiddleParking · 17/09/2023 23:25

aswellascanbeexpected · 17/09/2023 23:16

Sorry, I don’t understand @GotMooMilk do your children need a coat?
I can’t imagine a child being jealous of someone else being bought such a dull item at that age.

Are you always so limited in imagination?

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 23:27

Sorry @HeddaGarbled i didn’t mean by that she should be free to be at our beck and call to babysit, I just meant she has plenty of other availability if she wanted to take her other GC shopping as they live less than 5 mins away. I’m not in any way saying you need loads of plans to be worthy of living just saying she’s not booked with plans 24/7 so had no choice but to go shopping then IYSWIM.

OP posts:
JMSA · 17/09/2023 23:29

YABU.