To think this was thoughtless of MIL

[GotMooMilk]

This weekend DC x 2 (6,4) staying with MIL overnight. For context MIL doesn’t babysit often- maybe 4 x a year for one night which we are grateful for. She works full time but never really has plans on a weekend or evening so is free a lot. This weekend while looking after our kids she took her elder GC to buy a winter coat- they are all girls and the older is only 6m older than my eldest. MIL had offered to pay for her winter coat (her mum is a single mum so I’m guessing that’s why) which is absolutely fine but she took our girls along for this shopping trip.
This in itself is fine but she keeps making comments about my eldest also wanting a coat, trying on the same coat and trying to ask her nanny to buy it for her. Now MIL said no and just bought for eldest as planned but surely this was inevitable? My DC are young so don’t understand you don’t ask to be bought things but equally won’t understand why nanny is buying their cousin a coat and not them. She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.
I dunno just feels off. I won’t say anything and I don’t want her to buy the kids coats! I just think it’s a weird thing to do.

I'm sorry but those kids sound spoiled. It would never even occur to me not to purchase a dull staple for a kid without subterfuge to keep it secret from other kids, lest they be grabby.

If it was a toy or other treat, that would be different. I wouldn't buy a toy for one child and make another child watch. But a child whose automatic reaction to seeing another child being bought anything at all, even a boring necessity, is to assume they get one too? It reminds me of kids who can't be taken to birthday parties because they can't watch other kids open presents without expecting presents too. Most kids wouldn't even blink at watching a sibling or cousin receive a necessity.

I'm a grandma. I wouldn't take all three shopping and just buy for one! It's unfair.

If I was the gran in this situation I would have got the younger one's a little hat and gloves set so they didn't feel left out, they are so little and if the coat was particularly nice (rather than just a basic black school coat) I can see why they would be upset.

This ^. However, gran should have said to your DC that they have a coat and other DGC needs a coat to keep warm..and that if they ever need anything she is there for them. Ive been through similar, DD grandad bought other grandkids large easter eggs and gave my daughter a creme egg. I was fuming. No excuses there. I stopped going up. Blatant favouritism. Your situation is just GM helping out a single mum whos struggling. You can explain to your kids that situation x

This is the weird bit for me. The kids are still learning. I think it's only natural for the kids to not understand they aren't getting a coat. It's the same when siblings go shopping together. It just needs explaining gently. Not her going on about it.

Please don’t assume that Grandparents have nothing better to do than look after grandchildren. I mean she only works full time! All those weekends and evenings! Having two little ones for a sleepover is not all fun either, It’s exhausting being on duty the whole time, more so as you get older. Being asked to host children so that the parents can have a drink and lie in or whatever should be met with gratitude not complaints they dared to take said children on an essential shopping trip they’ve already forgotten about.

Thanks for all the responses, I do get what some people are saying but DD isn’t spoilt and would understand if before she just explained we are buying X some shoes today but we aren’t getting anything else. MIL only had DH so she’s never had 2 kids I suppose whereas I’m quite used to prepping the other for not getting something/going to a party or anticipating potential disappointment.

My MIL would have definitely bought something for all 3 children rather than have 2 feel left out. She'd have let them choose a tshirt or something.

Non issue for me, but then I regularly buy things for just one of my children as I buy based on need not want. I co- parent with my ex and we regularly split our children for 1:1 time so I might take one out to do something, I know some people find this weird but guess we are all’s different.

YANBU

It is the tattling afterwards which would bother me.

MIL created a situation where one child got to choose something which was bought for them. The other children didn't. At 6 and 4 DCs don't get the subtleties of a situation.

I think sometimes DGPs forget that small DCs don't have the understanding of older children.

I think the only issue here is MIL commenting about it

It's easily explained to 6 yr old that her mummy will sort her winter coat, no big deal
But to make comments to OP about her asking for one is a bit unkind

@JMSA in fairness she wasn’t alone with the kids as the eldest GC mum was there too

So the child’s mother was there too, @GotMooMilk ? Is this your MiL’s daughter? I wonder if maybe in case this was the only/most convenient time for them to shop together.

In any case, it’s a minor issue. Perhaps your MiL commented on your daughter’s reaction because she feels, rightly or wrongly, her granddaughter’s mother was somehow embarrassed by the situation.

I don't buy one grandchild more than another. Gran should have just taken the DGC on her own to buy her a coat if she couldn't afford something for all.

But surely you don't buy your children the same thing every time you take them out? If your child needs shoes you don't buy the other one shoes surely? So this must have happened multiple times before in their lives? Plus she would have done the same thing when she was a parent? She wouldn't buy all her children a coat because one of them needed one?

Your children are old enough to understand that their cousin needed a coat and they did not. It was a fun shopping trip to all choose a coat for cousin.

If the third child had been their sibling (who needed a coat) surely your other children would have understood that kids don't have new coats unless they need them. You, OP, would sometimes take your own kids to buy some shoes etc. just for the child who needs them. It is logical and if your children don't understand then explain that concept to them.

I have no problem with MIL and I would not be whispering to prepare them. If a child has what they need they should be happy, grateful and excited for another child to have what they need.

Simple logical explanations should suffice...
Cousin needed a coat.
Their Mum asked her Mum to buy it as a fun thing to do.
Granny thought you would like the shopping trip to help cousin buy a coat.

Fair is fair but fair is rarely exactly equal - kids need to feel lucky, content and well cared for regardless of equality of possessions, attention lavished on them etc.
I would be saying - "How fun to shop for cousin's coat. What colour did she choose. You don't need a coat. If you pooped your knickers or split your shoes Granny would have got you some more but you didn't. There was no need for you to have another coat."

And perhaps cousin will hand down the coat to her younger cousins when she has grown out of it.

@Butchyrestingface she was- it’s actually the daughter of MILs partner rather than her daughter directly but her partner had offered to buy the school shoes and as he’s a man he deferred the task to MIL.
Of course I don’t just buy my kids the same in the name of fairness I’m not crazy 😂 but when you’re staying with your nanny once in a blue moon and get taken shopping to buy your cousin something just seems a bit odd.
And the whole ‘if you needed something nanny would get it’ isn’t really true as MIL hasn’t bought them anything like that before. Again fine but I wouldn’t say that as then DC might think she would buy them something in future which I wouldn’t expect from her- I’m happy to sort their clothes etc myself obviously!

Thoughtless in my opinion. Of course a six year old wouldn’t understand why only one child was being bought a coat. Nothing to do with being spoiled.

I think the timing was just opportunistic (when it suited cousin's mother best). The MIL included your kids for the joy of the girls being good company for one another.
They might too have bought groceries?

It's possible that the MIL told you out of humour.
It is funny that your little one needed a new coat when her other one was fine.

@GotMooMilk your MIL is sucking up to her partners daughter, thats all this is. Wanting to appear 'nice'. My mother rarely helped me out and i was the one struggling, the other siblings she helped out. She was horrible to me. You know her, her stepdaughter doesn't, shes trying to paint herself as someone she isn't to win favour. Manipulative technique.
Explain to your kids about the other child needing a coat as family doesn't have much money..and if they need anything you'll get it them. Does gran ever treat your kids? X

Rookie mistake by MIL not managing expectations.

When DCs were small we learned to make clear to them what each outing of any sort would contain. This would then be repeated at regular intervals.

One grandchild needed a coat. I'm assuming your two didn't need a coat. I think it's fine that they all went. Sounds like she doesn't have the grandchildren very frequently so probably doesn't have many opportunities to buy a coat. She probably wanted to get it before the temperatures drop.
It's not like she bought the girl a really exciting toy - that would have been insensitive. My children find coats a very boring purchase.

She sounds unwise and yes this is likely to cause jealousy. However, I don’t think there’s any point saying anything.

My FIL favours one set of grandchildren more than the others but the only consequence of that is that the ones who aren’t favoured don’t really like him so much. It’s all so obvious. He can’t see it but his grandchildren do.

I am not sure it matters too much in the long run. The relationship that is slightly damaged is not your responsibility.

How cruel. Especially when your DC are girls too. I'll be ripped apart for sexism but (most) girls love buying clothes and will see the other GDC being treated and them not. My DM would've bought them all coats and then probably apologised to me for overstepping and doing so without asking! (Even though obviously I'd just be bloody grateful but you get my point!)

I think she comes into it also. If your DDs were, say, 13+ then they'd probably have fully understood

Those saying that coats are a boring purchase to children - depends entirely on the child. One of mine wouldn’t be interested and wouldn’t bat an eyelid in this situation, but my other loves clothes and would have felt this keenly at six years old (and he’s male, to even out the comment above about girls!)

I agree OP it was thoughtless, and if she mentions it again, just reiterate what you say in your post, she's only 6 and doesn't understand family finances or need.