To think this was thoughtless of MIL

[GotMooMilk]

This weekend DC x 2 (6,4) staying with MIL overnight. For context MIL doesn’t babysit often- maybe 4 x a year for one night which we are grateful for. She works full time but never really has plans on a weekend or evening so is free a lot. This weekend while looking after our kids she took her elder GC to buy a winter coat- they are all girls and the older is only 6m older than my eldest. MIL had offered to pay for her winter coat (her mum is a single mum so I’m guessing that’s why) which is absolutely fine but she took our girls along for this shopping trip.
This in itself is fine but she keeps making comments about my eldest also wanting a coat, trying on the same coat and trying to ask her nanny to buy it for her. Now MIL said no and just bought for eldest as planned but surely this was inevitable? My DC are young so don’t understand you don’t ask to be bought things but equally won’t understand why nanny is buying their cousin a coat and not them. She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.
I dunno just feels off. I won’t say anything and I don’t want her to buy the kids coats! I just think it’s a weird thing to do.

@MiddleParking need vs want isn't pointless. It's what it all boils down to, which is also what most replies have been. Goodnight anyway, I'm not up for arguing about a coat.

Hardly a Barbie doll. It's an essential item of clothing.

Agreed. Not the nicest Nan is she?

@PumpkinBum3

Yeah, a total bitch. Imagine having 3 of her grandchildren on her weekend off, and daring to buy the child of a single mum a winter coat.

Yanbu. It was thoughtless of her, and complaining about your dd was mean-spirited.

@JMSA in fairness she wasn’t alone with the kids as the eldest GC mum was there too but I would disagree with the not nice Nan she is generally very good with the kids!

Glad you agree.

This isn't something I'd get upset over. A coat is an essential item. If she'd bought her other dgc a box of playmobil or something you'd have a point. I can't imagine my dc getting upset in this scenario tbh. Do you never take your own dc to the shops and buy something that one of them needs but the other doesn't?

Had MIL told me before the plan I could have spoken to the kids and explained (in a discrete way) why the cousin was being a bought a coat and that they wouldnt be getting one

You wouldn't, surely ?
Are you honestly saying that rather than saying "Well, Jane needed a new coat and you didn't" you'd go into detail about your SiL's finances, with a 4 and 6 yr old ? Bizarre.

Granny takes out her grandchildren, they go shopping and presumably/hopefully have a fun trip out together. One of the grandchildren needs a coat so kind granny buys it for her. Other grandchildren don’t need a coat so granny says no when asked. Grandchild shrugs this off, isn’t bothered according to OP. They all go home happy. I’m sorry but I can’t see where or what the problem is. I think granny deserves a thank you, not to be complained about on MN.

So if one of your DD’s needed a coat and the other didn’t, would you buy for both?

Ridiculous, poor MiL

I'm clearly in a minority of one, but I think it's crap. OP's children are 6&4. Asking them to grasp the difference between need and want, especially when they almost certainly don't understand the significance of the single parent (and why should they at their ages?). All they see is granny buying something nice for one child but not for the others. OK so they can't always have what they want, they have to learn no, but this wasn't the way to teach them. It would be easy for them to take from this that the other child is granny's favourite and create a division between them.

On threads about teenagers on MN it's always said somewhere that if they're 18 their brains aren't fully formed and mature enough to always understand. Why are a 6yo and a 4yo being held to a higher standard?

Yes I agree. Very strange that she didn’t realise it would be awkward. Not much you can do as far as Gran is concerned- just explain next time that something similar might happen and they shouldn’t expect anything.

Exactly. She should have done it another time when your dd was mot there. It's ridiculous to expect a child not to expect the same

MiL works full time so obviously doesn’t have all the time in the world.

It’s not ridiculous for a child to not expect the same.
Why are these children so precious?

MIL is that you 😆

No precious DIL

It was clearly empire of an issue for Gran to make a point of telling OP that her 6 yo had asked and was cheeky.
In the situ, Mil would not tattle.
She might say oh Violet was a bit upset cos we went to buy Tiffany a coat and they didn't get one, just in case she mentions it
She absolutely wouldn't say Violet was so cheeky, trying to make me but her a coat!!

At the v least given the kids Mom was there, someone could have walked the kids round instead of allowing her to try on the coats, which would further confuse the issue

Hahaha I love it 😀

Surely, your kids have been with you when you go out and have to buy one a coat, or another a pair of shoes, or another a pair of tights, and realise one of them getting something they need at that point does not mean they all get it!

Yanbu. Your dd wasn't jealous of the coat, she was bored and jealous of the attention, which is completely normal. It is not fun to tag along watching another person try something on and then get bought it. I'd feel similar and I'm mid 30s, not 6.

If it were my MIL, I know she'd have diffused this by explaining the situation to her gc "your cousin really needs this, it isn't a treat, let's help her choose, we'll do xyz fun thing afterwards" and maybe (say) buying the other kids a token item from the same shop like a pair of socks.

My mil wouldn't have whinged about a gc behaving completely predictably for her age.

MiL took your DC with her because she was looking after them for you.

She had to arrange a time for coat shopping with the other grandchild's mother.
Presumably she didn't feel she needed to justify to your 6 yr old why she was only buying the cousin a coat and wouldn't want to cause embarrassment by saying "Her mummy can't afford to buy a winter coat."
If she reported that your child was cheeky and demanding maybe your DD is not used to/does not understand that she doesn't get something every time she goes into a shop.

Presumably she didn't feel she needed to justify to your 6 yr old why she was only buying the cousin a coat

I agree that this is what mil must have thought but she was wrong to think it. Of course it needed explaining in some way, to a 6yo. It even needed explaining in the op.

You just don't generally take a whole load of cousins on a "fun" outing to buy one, only one, of them a coat. It is an unusual choice of day-out and needs explaining, not least to a child.

Of course mil didn't need to say to the other children "your auntie is single and broke so I'm buying this coat for your cousin". There's dozens of ways she could have explained it "Cousin needs this but you've already got your winter coats...auntie doesn't have time this week to go shopping with cousin so asked me to do it..." etc.

I think Granny should have just said when your DD asked 'not today sweetheart, 'X' needs a new winter coat ready for when the weather gets cold, but you already have one, and if you've grown out of it, I'm sure Mum will take you shopping when she's ready'. No big deal, but making out that your DD was being grabby, because she saw her cousin being bought a new coat, and didn't understand why she couldn't have one too, seems really mean spirited to me.