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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this was thoughtless of MIL

85 replies

GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 22:22

This weekend DC x 2 (6,4) staying with MIL overnight. For context MIL doesn’t babysit often- maybe 4 x a year for one night which we are grateful for. She works full time but never really has plans on a weekend or evening so is free a lot. This weekend while looking after our kids she took her elder GC to buy a winter coat- they are all girls and the older is only 6m older than my eldest. MIL had offered to pay for her winter coat (her mum is a single mum so I’m guessing that’s why) which is absolutely fine but she took our girls along for this shopping trip.
This in itself is fine but she keeps making comments about my eldest also wanting a coat, trying on the same coat and trying to ask her nanny to buy it for her. Now MIL said no and just bought for eldest as planned but surely this was inevitable? My DC are young so don’t understand you don’t ask to be bought things but equally won’t understand why nanny is buying their cousin a coat and not them. She could have left the kids with another family member for an hour or gone shopping for coats literally any other evening or weekend day but chose to take out kids and have them watch their cousin be bought a coat.
I dunno just feels off. I won’t say anything and I don’t want her to buy the kids coats! I just think it’s a weird thing to do.

OP posts:
legalseagull · 18/09/2023 08:49

I regularly take my 4 and 5 year olds shopping. Sometimes I'll buy one something and not the other - because the other doesn't NEED it. Yes, they sulk, but I explain it all evens out in the end. It's an important lesson to not just get everything because you want it right there and then.

ColleenDonaghy · 18/09/2023 09:02

I'm with you OP, I think MIL was thoughtless. Very predictable that they would be jealous of their cousin getting a new coat - mine are similar ages and love getting new clothes. And actually, because they're close in age and tend to need new stuff each season because they've outgrown the old stuff, they tend to get new stuff at the same time (even though DD2's is usually from DD1) so it doesn't actually arise that often at home. And as OP said, a trip out with granny and a cousin makes it very different to a trip out with mum.

If it needed to be done that day, fine, but very strange of MIL to be complaining about a six year old acting like a six year old. She should have dealt with it at the time.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 18/09/2023 09:06

ColleenDonaghy · 18/09/2023 09:02

I'm with you OP, I think MIL was thoughtless. Very predictable that they would be jealous of their cousin getting a new coat - mine are similar ages and love getting new clothes. And actually, because they're close in age and tend to need new stuff each season because they've outgrown the old stuff, they tend to get new stuff at the same time (even though DD2's is usually from DD1) so it doesn't actually arise that often at home. And as OP said, a trip out with granny and a cousin makes it very different to a trip out with mum.

If it needed to be done that day, fine, but very strange of MIL to be complaining about a six year old acting like a six year old. She should have dealt with it at the time.

Thank you that’s basically exactly how I feel. It’s not the situation at all really it’s the fact she made the comment about DD1 which then made me feel guilty and like she was behaving like a brat. And then I thought about it and thought actually why do that? She’s never bought the girls any clothes or anything like that before, as I explained that’s fine! Don’t expect it. But a 6 year old brain won’t understand that

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 11:18

I think it was insensitive of her. My parents wouldn't buy something for my baby in front of my nieces and not get them at least a token thing too. BUT it's not so bad that I would stop the sleepovers with the cousins too which sounds great for you dc and also must be nice for you too!

You could explain something to the girls in general like 'cousins mummy sometimes needs some help to buy things for cousin so grandma helps her. Your mummy and daddy both have jobs so we don't need grandmas help to buy your clothes- we take you shopping ourselves. If you see grandma buying her something it's not a present for cousin, it's because grandma is helping auntie to pay for things that your mummy and daddy buy for you. When it's time for you to have a new coat mummy and daddy will get you one don't worry! At Christmas and birthdays grandma buys you both similar presents (if that's true!)'

You could also ask dp to ask his mum for a heads up if there's anything like that planned as the girls might misinterpret it as them not getting a treat and not being liked as much or something but don't say anything yourself

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 18/09/2023 11:22

Sorry I just re read and re the MIL comments about your daughter - you'd DH absolutely has to pick up on that. Say 'you mentioned a few times dc was asking for this, she probably didn't understand why she wasn't getting a treat. We will try to have a chat with her about our family's different financial situations if we need to but we'd prefer to not burden any of the girls with thinking about that so I wonder if it might be best to give us a heads up about shopping trips or keep them to when our kids aren't there'

But he has to tread very carefully as we don't want mil having a tantrum and refusing to babysit again

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 18/09/2023 12:18

2jacqi · 17/09/2023 22:59

and other grand daughter had a lesson that if you want or need something then go to the bank of gran!!!!!! not good at all!!

A grandmother buying a gift for their grandchild is "not good at all?" & "bank of Gran" Please explain @2jacqi

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2023 13:11

Yes, they sulk, but I explain it all evens out in the end. It's an important lesson to not just get everything because you want it right there and then.

But that's the key. You explain it. Not in the full on equivalent of family finances, sisingle mother, blah blah blah, but a simple 'we're going to get Lucy a new coat because hers doesn't fit her anymore'. And if the child says they want a new coat too, you say they don't need one yet because theirs still fits them. You may well still get a response of 'S'not fair', but that's when and how they learn that they don't get everything they want all the time.

From the OP it sounds like granny just said no. So it wasn't the buying of a coat for one and not the others, it was the lack of any sort of communication, which could easily lead the DCs to think that it was favouritism.

ColleenDonaghy · 18/09/2023 13:30

Gymnopedie · 18/09/2023 13:11

Yes, they sulk, but I explain it all evens out in the end. It's an important lesson to not just get everything because you want it right there and then.

But that's the key. You explain it. Not in the full on equivalent of family finances, sisingle mother, blah blah blah, but a simple 'we're going to get Lucy a new coat because hers doesn't fit her anymore'. And if the child says they want a new coat too, you say they don't need one yet because theirs still fits them. You may well still get a response of 'S'not fair', but that's when and how they learn that they don't get everything they want all the time.

From the OP it sounds like granny just said no. So it wasn't the buying of a coat for one and not the others, it was the lack of any sort of communication, which could easily lead the DCs to think that it was favouritism.

Exactly, and not only did granny not deal with it on the day but she complained to OP about the six year old. Fine not to get her something (although most would have picked up something small I think) but very normal for a six year old to wonder why granny is buying something for their cousin but not for them.

Original poster
GotMooMilk · 18/09/2023 13:31

Thanks for getting it- I don’t want to appear grabby (clearly as an adult I completely understand why a lone parent needs more financial input than a 2 parent household) or ungrateful for the childcare which is why I won’t say anything.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2023 13:56

JMSA · 17/09/2023 23:30

Hardly a Barbie doll. It's an essential item of clothing.

Show quote history

Was it essential though for the grandmother to bring ALL of the grandchildren along and to decide to buy just one of them a coat on the ONE night out of so many that she was looking after the OP's kids along with their cousin?

Was that essential?? Could that have been done before the OP's kids arrived for their sleep over or after they left?

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