My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Who knows. Why don't you offer.

Well at least you won’t have to help your dm when she’s old and infirm!
Sorry she’s so unkind op.

How else did you plan on having a 5th child, apart from expecting your mother (who you don’t have much of a relationship with) to stand in?

DH stays at home with your other DC. If she wants to help, great; she doesn’t have to

Yep. Tell the cow to swing for it.

I agree!

I don’t understand why she or other posters are saying how bad the mum is when OP has said she has a dad.

Why is she not calling him out for not helping?

Where are the PIL?

God forbid the poor man had to put his own 4 kids in the car whilst he picks her up from the hospital.

This thread is very misogynistic.

They’re obviously very well off and chose to have a 5th child, so why can’t they hire a nanny or babysitter instead of getting the mum to do 120 mile round trip.

I don’t expect OP to return but I wonder why she asked someone who’s never helped before, before

1. Her dad
2. her brother
3. her OH’s family
4. friends

What about your father? It sounds like your relationship with your mother has irrevocably broken down

What kind of mother would not give up a few days to help their daughter through C section when they have sod all else on?

Why do you think she has ‘sod all else on’? Maybe enjoying her life is what is preoccupying her.

So much ageism in this thread

I feel for you. It’s horrible to feel she doesn’t care but that’s how it is. I’d go nc after this and yes it lets you off the hook for helping her when she’s older.

Having said that, I don’t think that many kids would be easy to babysit and I don’t think many people would be keen.

Just re-read your OP and horrified to notice the following comment, "am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell!"

Why in the name of everything that's holy are you doing this to your body again??!! I hope it all goes well for you but fgs this time consider the consquences of your actions - and the possible ramifications for the children you already have??

You need to consider permanent contraception here. I did. I had a tubal ligation with my 3rd c/section because I wasn't willing to put my body through it all again. Either that or your DH needs to get the snip.

I asked my obs how many c/s he would recommend at most. He said 3, 4 at an absolute maximum. 5 he would be very unhappy about performing and 6 he would refer me for therapy as I'd clearly be needing it.

For everyone's sake, please quit after this. A child is for life. You don't get out of being responsible for them the minute they turn 18. This is for the rest of your days; you will always be as happy as your least happy child.

Can your obs circumvent the "complications"? For example, I had a severe infection after first c/s. 2nd time I realised more quickly what was happening. 3rd tine it was pre-empted by antibs in the epidural.

5 children. That is the problem rather than your mum.

Sorry that I do not have time to read your long post. Can your partner help or are they at work?

I hope I don't end up as indifferent to my own DC as Op's mother and some of the posters here are. Sorry your mum is so shit op.

Yanbu ask someone else and fuck off your mam

What is wrong with the mothers on here?

You think it’s normal that a mother doesn’t help her daughter on the occasion of childbirth??!!

You are all completely insane to suggest that the minute you leave the house at 18 yo, you’re basically on your own and no one owes each other anything within a family. It’s a lifelong bond of love - you will want to help each other, no matter what! Remember those tiny babies you loved so much when they were born and swore to protect forever? How on earth can you turn your back on them when they’re grown up?!

This birth should be a wonderful, joyous occasion and I cannot understand how, as a mother, you would not want to be there, never mind letting your child down so badly in her time of need.

OP, I really feel for you and wish you the best. It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge narcissist here and I hope you’ll be able to build great relationships with your own children, based on trust and support up and down the generations, as should be the norm in families.

My mother basically threw me under a bus so I don't see why I should support her in her old age. That's my attitude towards this whole thing. Cope somehow then just exclude her from your lives.

But she’s not asking for help to raise them. Just while she is in hospital which would be the same need whether it’s your second or fifth. And they’re not little kids. I don’t think it’s too much to expect your mother to want to help out.

Your choice to have some many children op 5 is a large family. It's not up to your mother to provide childcare for your brood for 3 days.

OP's had 9 pages of pointing out she chose to have 5 children and seems to think it's someone else's fault when she can't get childcare for 4 of them, via someone else driving 120 mile round trip.

I'd like to think she's finally cottoned on to how that sounds, when you say it aloud, so doubt she'll be back.

It’s sad she doesn’t want to help you… but you have four kids, know you don’t have support, and have another one? Without driving and in an area where transport is difficult, and yet you add another child. That is your choice, but why are you getting stressed about it know? What was the plan? Who looked after children got birth of other children?

If she is not wealthy and on benefits then five children is even more shocking.

Given what you say about your relationship with your mum, I think it’s unreasonable that you would expect help from her.

However, it’s a shame your mum won’t help, it’s harder to go through life feeling like your parents don’t really care about you. It’s not unreasonable to mourn that, but you do have to face the reality and build your life around it, not just spend the time testing whether it’s the case and feeling bitter every time you’re disappointed.

I would hate to have the sort of relationship with my parents or children where it wasn’t a given that we’d help each other out in these sorts of situations if we were physically capable. But I haven’t been able to rely on my parents for things like that because they haven’t been physically able, so have made other arrangements. I have friends and parents-in-law who have been great in tight spots. And we have avoided some situations because it would require help as a matter of course not just if things didn’t go well.

So while I feel for you being disappointed in your relationship with your mum, our post begs the question - what have you been doing all this time that you’re at this point now without any alternatives?

Why should it be the mother? What about OP's brother, father or FIL? Why is it always up to women to watch children other than sexism?

4 children is a lot to manage for anyone, I do think it's a big ask and it's entitled to demand it from anyone. Even family.

Who looked after the children for the subsequent births after the first one ?

Some cold responses on here. We all know she doesn't HAVE to help but it doesn't make up for the sadness that she won't, and it's more than the taxi turnaround, it's the knowledge that she wouldn't give up her time to help. I feel for you. Can your brother help?