My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I get on ok with my mum and my mother-in law. Mum lives 30 miles away and is almost 70, MIL is about 10 miles away and is almost 80. Both active and in good health. Both adore my boy. Neither of them help me at all. Not when I was in labour, not when I have asked, neither have had him for an overnight or babysat him. Mum won’t do it because my sister lives 3 doors down from her and so she does all of her childcare - she comes to our house twice a year, every other time we see her it’s because we visit her… MIL and FIL have told us several times, since our boy was born and before we even asked, that they are too old to babysit our boy, while they take his 2 cousins who are 3 and 5 years older for overnights and day trips …

It’s their decision, not ours. Nothing we say or do will change that. It’s a bit sad they don’t see our boy much but we accepted it pretty quickly and rely on our next door neighbour and friends so we can get the odd night out!

this is a very surprising response on a parenting support forum. It’s not like OP can return the four she has. It doesn’t sound like OP can change her role of whipping boy of the family.

4 kids, living in London and has a spare room for the mum to sleep in??

I’m presuming the OP can easily afford a bit of paid childcare!

It isn't the same because watching one child is more manageable than watching multiple children.

this is a very surprising response on a parenting support forum. It’s not like OP can return the four she has. It doesn’t sound like OP can change her role of whipping boy of the family

Why surprising? Is it a wholly valid point.

I would do it for my son/ DIL and would take time off work to do it.
My DIL mother would not.
We're just very different people and my DIL would not expect her mother to do it.
She doesn't have to do it. Bottom line OP.

So many unpleasant and judgmental comments on this tthread. Your mum is obviously not obliged to help you, and it's clear that she doesn't want to. It is a big ask. Still, I can understand why you're sad about it - I can't imagine not helping my kids out in a time of need, without very good reason. Still, on the positive side, you have no reason to feel obligated to help her when she needs it, which she no doubt will as she gets older. If your brother or other relatives are unable to help, your husband will just have to stay and look after them. It sucks, but it's not the end of the world - the nurses can help you with the baby, you'll manage, and he'll be able to spend lots of time with the baby when you're back home. Good luck with everything.

The op hasn't been back to answer the numerous posters that have asked to watched the children during the last labours.

The op wants her mother to look after 4 children for 3 days that's a big ask!

I didn’t think you could have so many c sections!

She's not obliged to help you out but nor are you under any obligation to help her when she's elderly either. I always remember this and therefore don't make myself available to the cfs in my life.

I feel like I wouldn't have had more than 2 or 3 kids if I had no support network besides my husband...
That's not to say I only had 4 children because I expected everyone else to help us but you kinda do need a village and/or deep pockets if you're going to do this.

Disagree with most of the posters on this thread. Jumping to conclusions that OP can’t look after her children because she has asked her mum to watch her children whilst she’s IN LABOUR?

Yea I am jumping to that conclusion and I’ll tell you why

No one is obliged to have so many kids and most people only go on to have very large families after careful consideration that, should the worst happen, they have support. The big families I know literally have ILs or parents next door so if, for example, the middle child of 5 breaks their ankle they just knock on mum and dad and say ‘keep an eye on the kids’ then go to hospital.

To be in a situation where after 32 weeks you’re struggling to find ONE single person to look after your brood for a ‘snippet’ of time - well going on to have another kid is seriously irresponsible.

PSA: Stop having kids you can’t look after. I’m not just talking about money - I’m talking about support too

I don't understand why you even asked her if your relationship is as contentious as you describe, especially since your lifestyle seems to indicate you have the means to pay for professional childcare.

Your mother doesn't come across well from what you've written but tbh you sound awfully entitled also.
Ultimately YABU.

How spiteful. Maybe OP should consider asking the men in her life to help look after the kids. she has mentioned FIL, brother and husband of course. But no, not their responsibility apparently. All the bile is saved up for OP’s mum. Ridiculous and hugely sexist.

I’m with you - we should form a Bitch Club 😂

When we v briefly pondered having a third, the fact all our usual childcare go-to’s (we paid for nursery but MIL would babysit so we could age date night and we also did child-swapping with SIL who has a son the same age) said “I’m fine looking after 2, I won’t be looking after 3 though” was an enormous factor in sticking to 2

Not RTFT and OP has only posted at the srart

But I'm surprised you even asked her if you knew what she'd be like TBH .

Just accept she'll be no help . And remember this if she expects help from you .

The NHS really need women having their fifth c section which could result in complications.

This. Most any of my kids have is 3. I do help a lot but I am nearly 60 too and it's exhausting. No way would I look after 5.

Sorry to be brutal, but if you choose to keep having kids, you need a contingency plan that doesn't rely on others

Well said. Loads of judgy twats in here.

Did you miss the bit that the op has helped her stepdaughters and brother but not her? And the op's mum talking to her like shit.

This has nothing to do with how many children she has, it's to do with having a shitty mother.

I hope you sort something op and good luck

I understand asking for her to help so your husband can be at the birth of the baby but then he needs to get back for the other children. To watch 4 kids so he can visit you to give you a break and pick you up solo is pushing it a bit of she isn't keen. You have 4 other kids it doesn't really work like that

Tomato sandwiches unfortunately we only have ops word for it, would be interesting to hear from the mother, I have some next door neighbor's that are always slagging their parents off, they are very entitled both of them, yet their parents are supportive, spend hundreds of pounds on them and yet they go on Facebook slagging the parents off to all and sundry they they are not supported yada yada.

Tbh you made your 'ask' seem open-ended and it's no wonder your DM said no. Most people asking for favours try to make it as succinct and time-limited as possible. You did the opposite.
Even if you had a good relationship with your DM, it's too much to ask a 60-yr-old to look after 4 DCs for an indefinite amount of time. You're not showing any consideration to her at all. It's also rather odd not to invite your DM to see the new baby but to stress you'd rather you had your DH just to give you time to shower, etc , whilst your DM wrangles 4 DCs.
I'm not sure why you need your DH in hospital with you, so you can get a shower or use the bathroom. You do know the drill. This is your fifth.

I voted yabu because you knew what she was like. She was hardly going to turn in to Mary poppins because you said please. She isn’t who you want or need her to be.

It is sad but you can’t change who she is.

What are your other options? Brother? Friend?

With your second baby it doesn't work like that either, this is no way a dig at you having 5