My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I’d be devastated if this was my mums reaction to asking for her help but then we have a very close and strong relationship. I think you probably aren’t surprised by her reaction but deep down we’re hopeful that she would step up and be the mum you want and need. If I was you I wouldn’t be accommodating her wants or needs in the future and focussing on my own family.
Do you not have anyone else? DH family? Friends? If not I do think that having so many children, when the only person you can rely on for help is clearly not interested and it’s nothing new, comes with the risk of you both not being able to be there for the birth. It’s sad and shit but unless you can sort something else out then ur dh will need to stay home. As someone else suggested possibly having a friend join you at hospital would be easier than someone to watch the other 4 which is a big ask.
I hope u manage to sort something out.

I wouldn’t say yes to looking after four children and I’m twenty years younger than her! I think it’s sad you don’t have a good relationship generally but I do think you’re being unreasonable to ask this of her, sorry.

You told her what she was going to do instead of asking her. I'd have told you off, too. You've chosen to have this child, and you have family members at home who can hold down the fort when your husband is with you.

None of this is your mother's responsibility in any way. Stop being so entitled and maybe she will decide to help in future. If not, your decisions, your life, your responsibility.

Yes this!!

It sounds like you're going to need at least a part time nanny anyway OP so your pregnancy would be a good time to hire one. Whilst your Mum sounds mean YABU to expect her to look after 4 kids for 3 days. You say she doesn't bother with them much so why on earth does that make her a good person to ask? She doesn't know their likes/ dislikes/ bedtime/ schedule. Also a fourth section could mean a longer stay if you or the baby have complicactions.

Just because someone is a blood relative doesn't mean they owe you as an adult, as harsh as that may sound. 4 kids for 3 days? Big Ask.

It's sad she doesn't want to help but you can't make her. You need to find a temporary nanny for a month if you can.

Bless you , do you have anyone else that can help in the hours your partner is in hospital ? I had my 4 th c section last year and reviveu was great and out the following morning .
I am so so sorry . It seem your mum is not very nice and you are probably much better without her in her life altogether.

I mean it wouldn’t hurt her but it’s not her responsibility either. It’s a tough situation because she should want to help you out for such a short period of time but she clearly doesn’t and you can’t force the issue.

Pay for childcare

This, as mean as it is - you know your mum is useless and haven't got the luxury of DH visiting you or being there for the birth (many women over covid had to manage).

Just remember that when she's old and struggling.

I'm sorry but I am the same age as your mum and I absolutely would not take on the care of 4 children while you were having a 5th.

You should have considered what you could cope with and how you would manage a large family before you got pregnant. It's a crazy large family in this day and age and it's not your mother's responsibility, especially as you don't have a good relationship.

What about your father, or your husband's parents? A sister/brother? Paid care.

My thoughts too. Especially when the there have been complications with previous deliveries. OP I'm sorry to hear you are struggling but it sounds like your relationship with your mum means her unwillingness to help is perhaps not a surprise. Ultimately too, you and DH need to find a way to make this work.

Well @FloatyBoaty perhaps people would be more willing if the "it takes a village" brigade didnt do the cats bum face or moan at the village when they tell their little darlings off. Because what the "it takes a village" brigade really want is childcare from people with no opinion who stay silent

Not helping you is her choice

Being awful to you makes her a shitty person and I would be blocking her maybe after telling her to piss off to the Dr's herself because only a shitty person sees someone in need and starts kicking

Eeesshhk — sensing some projection @JenniferBooth !

Hope you sort it out with your family Xx

YABU

You expect her to drop everything and do 120mile round trips just so your DH doesn’t have to put his kids in the car.

Why is just your mum getting the blame?
Surely your dad should get the blame too.

Where are DHs parents?

You’re acting very entitled.
Its one thing to ask but it’s something else to get shitty over it.

You wanted a 5th child so stop expecting other people to look after them.
If that means your DH looking after then whilst you’re in labour or having to bring them in the car to pick you up, then so be it.

Looking after four children for an undetermined amount of time is a huge ask. Regardless of your relationship with your mum and her behaviour over other things, you need to acknowledge that you were asking a huge favour.

Maybe it’s not that she doesn’t want to help you and more that she doesn’t want to be responsible for 4 children for such a long time.

She might be more willing to visit and help you in hospital, bringing you anything you need while your DH looks after the children.

Your DH will need to manage, he does not need to bring 14, 11,10 yr olds with him to the hospital or stay for huge lengths of time. Many women go through birth on their own, you chose to have this baby and at 32 weeks you still have time to source a babysitter. It's far from your first rodeo, what did you do the previous 3 times for childcare?

I can understand why you might want your DP at the c section but I think it's unreasonable to want him at the hospital at your beck and call with other children at home. I think you're expecting a lot from your mother and it is ultimately up to her if she helps.

@FloatyBoaty Nope no projection. Im child free by choice and havent been in this type of situation Friends have been though. And have been expected to do childcare and then got moaned at for not doing it right

All the flak that mums and mils get on here!
The menfolk are hardly mentioned and seem to float through life untroubled by their families' needs. Op, do you gave a father in your life? A fil? You have a brother, have you asked him to help out?

All of you out there commiserating with the appalling bad planning of the OP, maybe you could offer to look after 4 kids for an undefined time, especially if you aren't a youngster.

While I think that 4 C sections is risky and 5 children is more than I would consider, I still think the OP's mum sounds horrible.

I'm over 60 and would manage 4 children of those ages quite easily. The plain and simple fact is that the mum doesn't want to.

@Mymotherdontdoalot please get some watertight contraception, and good luck with the birth.

Er,why?

Op would stoop so low to dump her kids on strangers?

This is such an ignorant comment.

There are plenty of slum areas in London that are anything but affluent.

Plus for all we know the OP and her DH could be living on benefits.