My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Sorry OP but I also think YABU. It sounds like your mum has a different relationship with your siblings so of course she is going to be more willing to help them.

Also, looking after 4 children for 3 days at any age is going to be very hard work, so she’s well within her rights to say no thanks!

She’s not being kind that’s for sure.
She’s not obliged to help you but it would be nice if her, as your mother. I did wonder when reading your post why oh why you have 4 kids and another on the way! I’m not surprised you’re stressed.. if I was you I’d be looking at any way possible of getting a nanny or an au pair!!!!

With such a poor relationship between the two of you, why would you even think about asking your mum to help.

Surely, distance is a good thing.

I also think while having your DH with you for your c section would of course be nice, it's probably a luxury you can't assume you'll get when you have 4 other kids. Obviously it's no ideal that you'd be on your own and In an ideal world your mum would help you out, but unfortunately that's the reality of having 4 children who will need minding.

I hope you find a solution

Can I ask in a none snotty way, given you and your mum have such a strained relationship did you really expect her to jump in and help? By the sound of it you know you’re not her priority so why rely on her for help?

Do you have any in laws, close friends, family that could help?

Well I am 60 (almost 61 in fact) so I don't need to imagine being a decrepit 60 year old 🙄

Unless the OP's mother is ill in some way, which doesn't appear to be case, she's 60 - not at death's door! She's not retired as OP said she's never done paid work and you can't get a state pension until you're 67 years old so she can't 'retire' yet.

Many 60 year olds are still working and will for another 7 years. In full time jobs. Many working with groups of young children - including me - every day in schools and nurseries. Or looking after grandchildren after work. And I have a teenager not much older than OP's eldest. Plus a mum with dementia up until she died four years ago.

And I still did a 7 mile hike today without the need for oxygen or a sit down thank you very much!

In answer to your question OP. I do think your DM is entitled to say no. But I wouldn't myself (as an oldie, apparently) if it were just for a few days or a week to help out.

And this is from someone who thinks adult children with young children shouldn't assume grandparents should always be on hand to care for grandchildren day in, day out. But a one off with a couple of older grand children who are surely capable of helping with the younger ones? Not a problem as far as I'm concerned.

Other people are far more open to babysitting when it doesn't include a large amount of children. It's just a given that people will be more reluctant and far more likely to refuse because multiple children, especially for a few days is a lot.

It's something those with larger families should accept if they have a large amount of children.

Can't your husband bring the two youngest with him while the older 2 stay at home? Surely they'd want to see the baby anyway? Or maybe playdates?

I don’t know what specific generational trauma has so damaged grandparent age people today en masse, to the extent that normal family support is considered cheeky fuckery, but it’s incredibly sad- and even sadder is that subsequent generations are clearly internalizing and normalizing it, judging by responses on this thread.

OP- Ofc you’re not being unreasonable to hope your mum (or dad) would help you for a short spell of time. Nor would you be unreasonable to wish for a “village” of support, and (whilst I wouldn’t choose it for myself), in the context of this scenario, YANBU to have five children.

But sadly there’s no real answer I or anyone else can give you. Families and communities have become fragmented and largely very selfish. It’s really sad and I wonder how our children will fare without supportive extended family networks 🤷‍♀️

Yabvu. Your 5 kids, your circus, your issue. You and DH will have to manage.

I think the problem is you EXPECT your mum to not just help, but fully facilitate your decision to have 5 children, and aren't very grateful for the help she has given you.

That's a lot of words to say you're upset someone you're not close to... isn't close to you

Why would you expect anything from her when your relationship is so shit? Stop contact

But also you're having five kids. They're your and your partner's responsibility. Again what did you expect?

I am sorry you are going through this, however, it sounds like she's been shit with you for quite a while so she is just reverting to type. It's crap but I just wouldn't expect anything of her.

Can you ask your brother to help? Are there any other relatives?

I don't understand why you are still expecting her to help in the face of your past experiences.

She's said No, you certainly can't make her help so what's the point in banging on about it?

Cut her out of your lives by all means, but stop crying for the moon.

It sounds like you have a very toxic relationship with your mother anyway, so why would you expect her to suddenly want to help now?

Cant you hire a babysitter?

YABU. It's one big ask of your mother.

I think the number of children is a red herring.
Op
Your mother isnt bothered about you or helping you, it wouldn't matter if you had 1 or 10 kids

It's pretty shitty imo. I'd help my dd . Because I love her and it's a few hours , she's not been asked to adopt them !

I'm sorry you're getting such a horrible time and nasty responses , it's needless and mean .

I think I'd just make some alternative arrangements, do you have a good friend who would sit the kids ? Or another relative?

So where's your MIL? Is she not wanting to move in for a few days to take care of her son's children either?

It's the father's job to look after the kids, anyhow. Or it is in my opinion after I agreed to do it for my SIL, only to find her bloke fucking off to the pub to 'wet the baby's head' every day without telling me he wasn't coming back because he was happy there was some other mug taking on the parenting of his multiple offspring. I was fine, I'm one of five myself she should have stopped at a maximum of three, but they weren't my kids and even though they took the fucking piss, they at least asked, rather than ordered.

OP , you've asked your mum that she may be needed for three days but 'coming over' each day . 120 miles a day and looking after four children sounds rather hectic .

Would your DH's parents be able to help out , or your brother ?

Agree with PPs. Of course it would be nice of her to help out because it would be a choice she is making. She’s chosen not to.

You and your DH chose to have 5 kids, knowing you’d need help. It’s up to you both to choose alternate methods of getting that help.

Your mother is not obligated to do anything for you, just like you’re not obligated to do anything for her

If I was you I'd get a babysitter for the time when you're having your section. For the rest of your hospital stay, your DH will just have to stay at home with your existing DC. And you and the baby can get a taxi home (take the car seat with you when you go in for your section?) and DH can meet you there. Or see if a friend can take you home?

At least you know not to waste your breath asking her when you’re going to have baby no. 6… or 7… or…

Your first mistake was assuming your mom would be there for you now when she'd never been before.

Your second mistake was posting about having more than 2.5 kids on Mumsnet.

So glad I married into a ethnic family that think this is absolutely batshit crazy and so strange. My family is the same, no help whatsoever.

If your own mother cannot help when she's in perfect health to then what's the world come to.

Best hope she step daughters are ready to wipe her ass should she need it.

I've gave birth alone while dh looked after children, and maybe consider it? If you know you may forget something, make sure you don't forget. Pack for a week at least incase of any complications.

Start freezing meals/budgeting for take out.
Hire a local laundry/iron service if possible.

Expect to be at hospital alone and maybe look forward to the break! Good thing is your children are a good age and your dh can manage the 5 year old.

I would recommend even going no contact and not making an effort at all with this woman, because she doesn't deserve to be a grandma when she's basically saying she don't even give a shit to care for them at your most vulnerable time.

I keep wondering what the other side of this story would read like, or what the unbiased backstory would be.

We have a woman who alleges her mother is awful, but freely admits that said awful mother happily helps out her son and stepdaughters - so the majority of her "children" DON'T find her awful.

So for me, there's no way I can pass judgement without knowing WHY she is so different with her daughter. It could be that she is just vile, but it could equally be down to the OP's past behaviour. We don't know.