My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I mean this in the nicest way, and it might be a case of horses bolted and stable doors.

But if you're so worried about a C section why did you choose to have another child?
The same goes for your Mum, you cant 'expect' help. I get it would be nice and you feel she's happy to help out her dsc, but that really is her prerogative. It doesn't sound like she's a nice person but childcare and worries over the birth really is self inflicted and you're blaming your Mum where you should be blaming yourself and your dh.

Wtf is with all the judgement on family size?

People are judging because OP appears to keep having children without thinking about the practicalities of caring for them. Expecting someone to care for four children (grandchildren or not) is a big ask, especially when there's no defined "end date" to it.

Her and her DH chose to have another child with no childcare plans in place - why is that anyone else's problem to solve?

Do you DC have any other grandparents OP?

Says you using the F word 😂

Too many kids. Nobody should expect anyone to step in and look after 4 kids. OP and her husband's choice to have a fifth, their solution to manage.

That was in reply to @Evaka

Disagree with most of the posters on this thread. Jumping to conclusions that OP can’t look after her children because she has asked her mum to watch her children whilst she’s IN LABOUR?

Also saw ‘most’ women give birth alone whilst the DH is at home with other children? Sure, it happens. Not the norm imo.

Yes, it might be a difficult few days for your mum but it’s literally a few days. I have 3 daughters & I cannot imagine a world where I said no to this. Especially if (in ops words) I hadn’t been the best mum anyway.

When did you get your csection date? Did you ask her back then and she said yes then but has changed her mind? Why are you asking her now for free childcare of 4 DC when you don't get on? I would be hurt if my own DM didnt want to help me but 4 DC is a lot to manage (especially if they're not close to her) and you're going to need help for more than 3 days, especially when you get home and have 4 other DC to juggle. Is she reluctant to help because she wouldn't be able to cope with them? Can your inlaws, brother or friends help, or can you hire a temp nanny until you've settled into a routine?

OP, did your mother have any say in whether you had five children or not? No? Then why expect her to take up the slack for you?

To be fair, your mother doesn't sound very nice. I wouldn't want her around.

Do you really need your DH there, after four? It makes sense for him to have the children while you get on with giving birth, by whatever means.

Good luck, anyway. I hope you find a solution.

I think it’s a key thing you need to consider when having a larger number of kids. Not just when giving birth but childcare overall and it’s no good saying you never need any.
I only have one child which means people are happy to help out and I can easily babysit in return as my hands aren’t full. I do also have the option of two paid babysitters as back up. When you have kids you need a plan A B and C for things like this

To be blunt, no one needs to have 5 children. I honestly thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous to keep having children and expect other people to help you with them.

Don’t have 5 kids.

Can the brother that you mentioned help? Or another sibling. Or bite the bullet and pay for a nanny for a few weeks.

I've got a crap relationship with my Mum and have accepted that I can't make her into the person I want/need her to be, I just have to live with who she is. It's honestly horrific but you're putting all your energy into the wrong route here. Good luck with your baby.

Is she reluctant to help because if she does she is worried there will be a sixth kid then a seventh etc

I must be an absolute bitch too then because I’m almost the same age as your mother and if either of my DC decided to have 5 children and expect me to look after the 4 already born , I’d be telling them a very firm no.

Really because our MW team made us feel fucking shit when we said DH would have to stay home with younger kids or come in with them and me and then leave.

Pervious place we had loads friend to help but 18 months in that one and people weren't really very friendly.

Our preference was a second HB but they were being awkward for no medical reason though did in end have last at home.

Sound like OP is having a planned c-section so times are more plannable around.

I do agree with PP though is your DMum wont help she won't help - so you do need to find someone else or come up with a new plan as much as that sucks.

I very much doubt the OP will be back. It's quite possible that this pregnancy was unplanned and will be her last.

Waiting for this thread to be taken down.

YABVU. Your mum isn’t obliged to look after your children, especially at 60, 3 days straight looking after 4 kids including a 5 year is a lot to expect. It’s a lot more effort than going to a car boot sale!

Shes said no, but it sounds like you keep pushing it. Respect her decision. You’ve got more than enough time to put other arrangements in place or DH can stay at home.

You've chosen to bring 5 children into this world so it's up to you to manage and you certainly shouldn't expect someone else to look after 4 kids!

Get your DH to look after the kids at home, then pay for a doula service in the hospital to be with you and give you a hand. Once you get home then pay for a nanny service to be at the house and help you with the kids.

@Mymotherdontdoalot
Given that this is child number 5 and the 4 under these circumstances , what was your plan B? Surely, it is better for your husband to stay at home with the kids than to be at the hospital where you have a modicum of assistance.

At this point, you should be in a position to be giving pointers to the first, second, and third time mothers.

Not being funny but why have 5 kids if it's going to make you stressed. Of course you're going to be stressed that's why most ppl don't have 5 children, in fact the average is less than half that.

Be accountable for your own actions. Of course it would be nice if your mum helped, but she is under no obligation to and isn't responsible for you making decisions that have caused you unnecessary stress.

Some times things happen in life that we have no control over I.e. illness, accidents, multiple children which weren't expected (triplets, twins) etc and Id expect ppl to step up and help in these situations. But you and your DH are adults who made your own choices. It's not fair to expect your Mum to shoulder your decisions. It would be nice of her of course but she's not wrong to say no

I have 4 children and a step daughter. My mum also lives 60 miles away. Our relationship is ok though.
However, I knew it may take her a long time to get here so I had a back up plan. If mum wasn't here in time, my friend was taking me to the hospital and staying with me until my partner could get there. If she wasn't available he was just going to drop me off. Surely you can plan for those things, you've had a lot of notice.
Have they spoken to you about the number of c-sections? My sister in law has had 4 and they told her it would be dangerous to her health if she were to hve more.

OK, OP. Yes it would be nice if you could count on your mum to help, to look after her grandchildren while you give birth. But she clearly doesn't want to. So you need a plan B. Which could be brother, friends (lots of sleepovers!) or worst case your DH staying with the kids while you have the baby.

Would your mum have the 5 yo for a couple of days while the older kids go to friends?

Do your DC have grandparents on your DH's side?

All these ‘sounds like you have too many children to manage’ posts are some kind of bullsh*t. Any number of kids is ‘too much to manage’ when you are in hospital having another.

Western culture is an anomaly in that we expect women to just carry on after birth with no expectation of family help. Other cultures rally round the mother and don’t let her lift a finger for a month or more. Hoping your mother would look after your kids while you’re literally delivering another is not beyond the pale.

Does she have to? No. Should she? Maybe. Is it shit that she is refusing to and making the OP feel shit about asking? 100%.

Did you not consider your options before this pregnancy? Your relationship with your mother was strained already! She was never going to be your saviour.

I could almost understand your upset if up until now she'd been an incredible, supportive mother and grandmother and this was hugely out of character but... that's not the case. I'm really not sure what you expected from her. It's a shame she doesn't want to help but it's not like she doesn't have form, is it?

I grew up with six siblings, and if our mum ever needed someone to look after us for any extended period of time, we were separated. Two kids per willing family member. Big families need big support systems, I think it's a bit mental of you to expect to be able to rely on someone demonstrably unreliable who seems to have very little interest in you or your family.