My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

My DD has one child and I help out a lot - babysitting, regular child care, emergency contact, weekend breaks - and I love it. I have also told DD that if she has any more she’s on her own. One LO I can managed, two or more absolutely no way. I’ve raised my kids, I’ve done my bit and more. Mothers don’t exist just to spend their entire lives caring for children.

You’ve chosen to make a very difficult life for yourself by having 5 children. This is no one’s fault but your own.

She sounds bloody vile. I'm sorry OP, it must be so hurtful. Take some comfort that when she's old and frail, your brother and step siblings who she jumps to help will ensure they are there to take care of her. For your own sake, cut off contact.

Husband or nanny

It’s not a one off when you are on number 5

OP your mum is toxic. Most would be happy to help and the minding of grandchildren at a special time would be a pleasure.

I am sorry you wont get this from her. I hope you can find some other help.

It’s your responsibility to cope with having 5 kids, no-one else’s. Stop having kids and moaning when others won’t help you out 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately I agree with the majority, that 5 kids is an awful lot, and a choice that you and your DH made, not your Mum.

Can you hire a doula or similar to help you out in the hospital rather than your DH, so that he looks after the kids? Not sure if they help advocate for those women having a c section but I don’t see why not. Or would your Mum help you with that instead, or visit you on the ward, again so that husband can stay in place looking after the kids.

When he comes to collect you, surely he can just bring the 5 yo and leave the other 3? He wouldn’t have to “drag” along all four.

Well now you know how she feels. So you have to find some other help, however I would also be stepping away from her now. She doesn’t deserve a relationship with your children

and when she needs help just say no

Your husband should look after his children rather than you expecting your mum to drop everything when you already have a poor relationship with her.

Well I think your mother whilst entitled to have a choice is being a bit of a shit. Family is all about give and take. I also think the attitude of "well you've choose to have 5 kids" is equally shitty.

A little bit more care and kindness would make the world a so much nicer place. If I was in that situation I could count on my family and oh family to help out and likewise I will be on call when my brothers wife goes into labour next month to mind his kids - do I want to? Not really but it's all swings and roundabouts and being part of a family. Im not particularly close to him but i dont want him stressed trying to sort out childcare/missing the birth . I think the replies are a bit sad really.

as per other posters you need to sort sometging else out and stop flogging a dead horse. Best of luck.

Don’t have so many kids if you haven’t got the help to raise them. She isn’t obliged to look after your kids .

I am not trying to be horrible but 4 kids is a lot for one person to care for especially for a 60 year old. It's a huge ask and it sounds like it's not just for an hour but potentially a few days. She isn't obligated to help you and as a parent of 3 kids I think lack of help comes with the territory when you have a few kids. Unfortunately you may need to make alternative plans. I had to pay for childcare for dc1 and dc2 when I had Dc3 so DH could be with me.

I mean she doesn’t sound lovely in general but you can’t make people want to give up their time

As with PP my parents have supported us with my first 2 DC (babysitting). When we mulling over number 3 my mum said very nicely but firmly that she would not ever take all 3. That she's enjoyed it but could not do it all again at her age. And that's fair enough.

This is one of the ugliest threads I've seen on here. Wtf is with all the judgement on family size? It's incredibly normal to want some family support when you're preparing for a new arrival and what woman wouldnt want her husband at the birth?

OP, your relationship with your mum sounds awful so you're better to write off any expectations and pay for childcare or ask a good friend. Best of luck with the birth and enjoy the new addition to your family x

My DH stayed home minding our two older DC when I went into labour with DC3. It worked really well, neither of us wanted or needed any extra stress so we came up with a pre arranged plan.

But OP is expecting support from someone who had no say in the size of her family!

If she didn’t help out when you had previous 4 why did you think she, at 14 years older than when you had the first, would help now?
Also I don’t see how anyone drives 60 miles into London in an hour. She’d be breaking the speed limit big time somewhere.
You need a mother’s help for that week, try local agencies.
Good luck with the c-section, you’re braver than me.

I think stepping back from your mum for your own mental health might be in order.

See her on your terms only and don't ask anything if her. The less you are affected by this the better. She's chosen her team and sadly it's not you.

Surround yourself with positive people, friends and your husbands family. Don't put yourself in the situation where by you are reaching out and getting hurt. It doesn't sound as though she is particularly bothered by her actions.

If she ever has the cheek to ask you for something just repeat back to her 'that doesn't benefit me'. When she calls you out on this statement, remind her where it was originally used.

Not a kind mum is she?

I wonder what happens if you ask an IA program to write a post designed to enrage Mumsnetters. One that would just about be believable to get the Mumsnetters to froth 🤔

I'm also astonished that the OP lives in London, has 4 kids already AND a spare room.

She needs to hire help to watch the kids.

I’m sorry that your mother won’t help, mine was the same. She never had my two DCs yet my sisters’ children were there day and night ‘to give them a break’. My mother wouldn’t even drive the 15 miles to my house- I think my parents visited less than a handful of times over 45 years!
I’m afraid you’ll have to accept that she really doesn’t want to know. After years of abuse from my mother we’re free barely on speaking terms by the time she died; I’d only visit if DH came too to deflect her abuse.
You can’t make her love you, sadly.

Because large families are generally a problem….to those who don’t have one.

I have 4DC. I still stand by what I said…the OP got pregnant knowing she’d likely need a 4th section so should have sorted this out months ago.

You can't be short of cash if you can afford five children. Pay for some professional help. I don't blame your mother for saying no. Maybe if there is number six you will plan ahead.