My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

It’s a shame she doesn’t want to help but unfortunately YABU as it’s your choice to have children and you need to be able to do things without relying on anyone’s support except for your husband . Can you pay a temp nanny to cover the period you are in hospital and a few days after to help .

I'd refuse to help too. 4 children is a lot and I wouldn't be able to manage, it's a reason why I'd never have so many.

Does your brother etc also have 4-5 children? Because if not, you can hardly compare her looking after 1-2 compared to 4.

You decided to have a large family and choices have consequences. They are your children to look after, no one else's.

YANBU, she sounds an absolutely selfish bitch.

I’m usually on the side of grandparents as I feel so bad for those who end up providing lots of childcare in their retirement to entitled offspring.

But you are just asking for one or two’s day help whilst you have a baby!

OP, fuck her and remember this when she needs help in her old age. She can fuck right off.

Maybe she should have thought who would care for her four existing children before having a fifth one then.

I can imagine myself thinking of my daughter in hospital having a baby, and wanting her husband there for support.

I can imagine myself thinking well I'm getting older and more tired but my daughter needs me.

I can imagine spending a couple of days with my grandkids, which I would hope to enjoy, and probably slacking a bit in terms of their usual e.g. ordering takeaways etc.

I wouldn't want to leave my daughter in that position. I'd feel bad enjoying my leisure time knowing that she is asking for help because she is GIVING BIRTH.

Did she help with child 1? Or 2? Or 3? Or 4?
If not, why on earth are you pissed off that she isn't helping now?
You do realise that it's insane to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result??

I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,)

You answered your own question within the first few lines of your second paragraph ... you expected your mum to do a 180 and be SuperNan just because you need her, despite the fact she has never shown an interest so why are you surprised she has held firm and said no?

YABMassivelyU to first expect your mum to drop everything to support your 5th birth by taking care of your 4 older children for an indeterminate amount of time, and thats before you take into account the fact you don't seem to get on anyway!

I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone to look after 4 kids! I wouldn’t do it, I’m not a nursery. One, maybe two kids but not more, can you split them up to go to different people as that will probably help.

This really.

Has she been of help with any of the others? I'd be very reluctant to look after 4 kids. I think when you choose to have that many you can't expect one person to help with them all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum OP, but I'm afraid I do feel you're being a bit unreasonable. At age 60, I wouldn't have wanted sole charge of 4 kids for what could amount to 3 days either, although to some degree it would depend on how well behaved they are, and what they're like when they are together, ie, does the older one wind the younger ones up? Is the younger one a constant pain, is there frequent squabbling, etc. You've chosen to have this many kids, which is fine, but most people from my experience, don't really want to look after more than 2 youngsters, let alone 4 of varying ages, unless they're very well behaved. However, it does sound like your Mum is selfish and literally only does things for others if she feels there's some reward in it for herself. Could you perhaps ask your in-laws to help instead? Do you have anyone else that's ever looked after all four of your kids previously that you could call on? I really don't want to come over as judgemental, but think that perhaps you don't realise what a big ask this is for anyone who hasn't had a big family themselves.

Hire a babysitter

I think I'd draw the line at a 5th baby. I love my kids and will help them when they have children to a point but I expect them to be be financially independent and care about the planet, unless it was quads after a single pregnancy I think I wouldn't watch 4 kids either. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear

The OP is having her fifth child - the very definition of not a one-off!

the thing I'm most shocked about here is that you have five child, live in London, and have a spare bedroom.

Your mum is a rude, nasty, manipulative bitch who has probably over the years intentionally made you feel like you can ask her for things so she can say no and be nasty again. Absolutely no one should ever call you a fucker and the fact she does means she is a horrible person. Who says that to their own daughter? You would be unreasonable to rely on such an awful woman.

Honestly your children don't need a relationship with this woman. Nor do you. You will find you can manage just fine without her. Unfortunately, you're going to have to sort yourself out, but if you're in London, just hire a short term nanny for a couple of days. Then a qualified professional will be in charge of your DCs and you and DH can enjoy those early days with the new baby.

Sorry to hear that your Mum won’t help you out, OP. I too am baffled by all the posts saying that you have chosen to have 5 children and why should your Mum help you out? Because she’s your Mum and you are about to go through childbirth (a section no less). I hope someone else in your circle of family and friends can help you out. I’d do it for any of mine and am really taken aback by how many people on here wouldn’t. Help out a loved one for a day or two whilst they give birth to a child. I feel saddened reading this thread about the individualistic society we live in. Hope it goes well, OP, and someone else helps you x

You know what your mother is like, so banking on her to help you out was never wise. Your husband will have to look after the existing four children while you deliver the new one - not ideal but not unheard of.

Unfortunately yabu. You have chosen to have a fifth baby and most likely knew you would need a c section.
This isn't your mum's responsibility but yours and your husbands. You should've planned for this much earlier in your pregnancy

I think it's a lot to ask of someone to look after 4 kids.

Can't the older ones stay with school friends? Then it would surely be easier to ask someone to look after only the youngest. That's not such a big ask.

I think some of the posters are being quite nasty with their replies and how they are worded.

YES op chose to have 5 children but we all have no idea of OPs situation/circumstances so we shouldn't judge.
I do agree there should be no obligation for her mother to look after her daughter's children, however it's whilst her daughter is in labour. Does it matter they have had a rocky relationship? Just because OP chose to have 5 children, doesn't mean she can't ask her mum for support??? If you can't rely on your mum who can you eh?
Let's hope some of the posters never find themselves in a situation similar to OPs.

Sorry about your mum OP. I know it isn't quite the same but when I had ds2 DP drove me to the hospital with ds1the day before my elcs and visited the next day just after. We decided we would sort it between ourselves..always have done. Have never expected family to help.

Very good point.

If OP can afford that then surely they can afford to pay someone for childcare.

Your mother isn’t obliged to help you mind your kids. However, since it sounds like you have a shitty relationship anyway, I’d be easing off on contact completely. She’s being quite bitchy.

While I’d find minding 4 kids a lot (I’m the same age) I’d definitely do it for one of my kids while they were actually in hospital. Probably wouldn’t do it for a holiday or something.

I’m generally team grandparents when it comes to expected free childcare.

YABU. You choose to have a 5th baby knowing you would need a c section etc.
should of planned things better.