My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

She’s running around after her step kids because she wants them to think she’s wonderful and she wants her husband to think she’s wonderful too. She’s obviously not! Any mother who wouldn’t t help their pregnant daughter out in your situation isn’t worth your time. Tell her her stepdaughters are welcome to her . They can help her when she gets old!!

This.

I also feel sorry for the children of the posters on here saying you're unreasonable. I can't imagine not helping my own child when they're in hospital.

@CherryMaDeara Yes, but reading the OP's description, she mentions broaching the subject more than once, even after being told no. What her mum said wasn't nice, not defending that. She could have simply been firm without swearing at OP, that was nasty of her.
Although her attitude (the mum) is awful, she has said no, multiple times. OP asking again and again then crying down the phone and calling her evil is only going to exacerbate the situation and make her mum even more annoyed. If someone is set on not doing something, no matter how much they should, keeping on at them like that is going to do nothing at best, or create a worse situation, at worst. OP is probably best writing her mum's help off and going with her back-up plan. I would remember the situation when it came to visiting the baby though!

I would help my DD out, but it's everyone's choice whether to help or not.

Not much you can do. DH will have to juggle it. But, the children will be at school if it's a weekday anyway, so it might work out ok.

Best wishes.

Also, just out of interest, it sounds like your DH can't drive or at least doesn't have a car? How on earth do you manage 4 let alone 5 kids wihtout a car!

I don't want her money. I just don't particularly see why she should get a triple locked state pension at the expense of working age people either. The state pension should only be £11k for people with no other income; it should be linked to earnings for most other people and for people like my ex-MiL who gets another public sector pension, increases should be capped at 2% a year.

I’m not sure you’ve read OP’s posts properly, because you’ve got the timings wrong. Here’s what happened:

• OP asked her mum to watch DC
• OP’s mum said "it's not beneficial for me to do that"
• OP started crying
• OP’s mum replied "why on earth are you crying, for gods sake”
• OP did not contact her mum again
• OP’s mum sent OP numerous texts about other subjects
• OP broaches the subject of babysitting again
• OP’s mum call OP’s a fucker and tells her to grow up
• OP asks her mum why she is being mean

You have twisted what OP said very badly. OP didn’t ask again and again, she asked twice. And she only cried the once and din’t call her mum evil.

So many posters ignoring the fact that it might be because older women are not up to caring for grandchildren rather than not wanting to. Those that refuse, it seems for whatever reason ,should be condemned to a lonely old age ignored by their nearest and dearest.
It truly appears the some on here feel that old age is something that will not happen to them and they are talking of a sub species to which they will never belong. I find it quite comforting when I hear the awful ageist views on here,that one day that will be you!

Whether you are then cared for in old age depends on a number of factors. If you are the kind of parent who decided at 18 that your child was on their own now and you were going to enjoy yourself, you cannot complain when you're 80 and your child decides they're going to do the same rather than look after you

This is so transactional. A lot of people on here don't seem to love their parents but rather think they can get free babysitting out of them by threatening not to look after them in their own age.

I would rather die in the gutter than receive such transactional care.

As I’ve said, I live 5 minutes walk from my 72yo mum and provide regular care. She will move in with me whenever she wants to as she hates the idea of a care home or strangers taking care of her. And that’s fine with me, because she is a good mum who has never behaved like OP’s mother.

The idea that a healthy 60 yo is not up to
caring for her grandchildren for 1 day whilst her dd gives birth is quite unbelievable, especially as 2 of the kids are over 10.

I’m fairness lots of people in London manage just fine without cars

You're right, it is transactional. But it's transactional because the older generation chose to make the world that way. The decision of older people to fleece younger people in the housing market; to award themselves public sector pensions far in excess of what was paid in and to enjoy themselves rather than be part of their family from their late 50s to late 70s has consequences for their children. It means families need two incomes, spend a lot on childcare, probably won't be able to retire and are frazzled and stressed to breaking point. There's no capacity to care for elderly relatives even if people wanted to. The only way to change that is a transaction of help in return for help.

I would love to be in a position to help my parents when the time comes but I won't be able to afford it. At least with my ex-MiL, my ex-wife can be satisfied that she deserved to be neglected in old age.

“Old people should be poor so when they die I can be rich and get their house”

OK then

Some of us have mentioned this only to be accused of saying anyone over 69 is decrepit when in reality they spend their days break dancing and running 20k

You clearly don't understand how public sector pensions are funded do you?

Me too.

I won’t be caring for my mum in her old age because she doesn’t want that. She has made it clear she will sell her house and use the money for care if it comes to that. All she expects is visits. Seems v reasonable and fair on everyone.

I have no idea if I’ll be in a position to care for my GC when the time comes but I absolutely won’t be taken the piss out of. If my kids have too many kids they can sort their own childcare. I saw my MIL be taken advantage of so much when my nieces and nephews were tiny, that absolutely won’t be me.

She deserves to be neglected in old age because she has a good pension?

How unattractively butter.

Can I ask - what steps are YOU taking now to ensure that the people in 2 generations time are wealthy?

I never said anything like that. Besides which, I expect our generation to get our money back through a falling housing market, inflation (and inflationary payrises), means tested state pensions (that don't rise with inflation) and a fairer distribution of the tax burden so older people pay their fair share. There will be no direct transfers but a reset.

You're right, it is transactional. But it's transactional because the older generation chose to make the world that way. The decision of older people to fleece younger people in the housing market; to award themselves public sector pensions far in excess of what was paid in and to enjoy themselves rather than be part of their family from their late 50s to late 70s has consequences for their children. It means families need two incomes, spend a lot on childcare, probably won't be able to retire and are frazzled and stressed to breaking point. There's no capacity to care for elderly relatives even if people wanted to. The only way to change that is a transaction of help in return for help.

Honestly, you and all the others who share your belief system should take advantage of the power you think the older generation had in their time and set things up the way you would like them to be for yourselves, instead of complaining that another generation did that. What is stopping you?

Bitterness and entitlement is stopping them.

Honestly, you and all the others who share your belief system should take advantage of the power you think the older generation had in their time and set things up the way you would like them to be for yourselves, instead of complaining that another generation did that. What is stopping you?

Until now, demographics and the tendency of younger people not to vote has been a problem. However, the tide is turning and if not by 2024 then by 2029, this is exactly what I and others like me plan to do. The party's nearly over and the revellers are the ones who are going to be cleaning up.

@FSTraining You dont know what the fuck you are talking about

a. My DH who is 73 was given a choice by his then employer back in the 1970s along with his fellow employees Pay into the works pension or lose your job. THEN the company went bust so his private pension is now just £34 a week.

b. DM who is 87 was told she only had to pay the married womans stamp so as a result ended up on a very low pension Loads of women were conned like this. Its not all sunshine and roses for older generations and im saying this as a 50 year old. Oh and DH and i live in social housing (and i actually got told on here that social housing should only be for those with kids)

Im sick of seeing the crap towards older people on here Last time i checked getting older isnt a choice unlike having kids. DM is Italian so was brought up in a culture which is big on community which is great but as a child i couldnt help noticing it was women who were doing ALL the housework and childcare.
This and also noticing that British working class women here were also expected to DO it all which was actually dressed up as HAVING it all informed my decision not to have kids.

I am from India. Most Indians in cities have one or 2 kids. Perhaps result of having seen too many control population, no. Of kids on national telly.
Rural India may have more kids, but in those areas a woman is not treated with her needs prioritised. Having a kid is a family affair and families have their own agenda. No help, support is without family expectations. Remove your rose tinted glasses about what women go through in other cultures and count your blessings for autonomy and independence you've got. My Indian grandparents decided they were better parents than my mum and wanted to take all important decisions related to me, my mother would not agree about how perfect family support was to her.

EXCELLENT post @JenniferBooth

True. This idealisation of "other cultures", when all around the world most women have to hold down full-time jobs just to survive and are not on tap to provide childcare for relatives at the drop of a hat.