My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

If you can't help your daughter for 1 day when you're 60, then why should you expect your daughter to provide CONSTANT help when you're elderly?

And I speak as someone who moved within 5 minutes of my mum so I will always be on hand, and my mum will eventually move in with me. But then my mum has been a great mum, not nasty like OP's.

OP's dad is a bigger shit for sure but at least he's a write off. OP's mum still expects OP to pretend like everything is OK when it' not.

how is your husbands mum can she helpnout for a few hours? My mum lives abroad so we only had mil, went in for my 5th section at 11,it started at 12-my husband was home at 4/5,could have gone earlier but he stayed with me until they took me to the ward and his mum was happy to supervise children we called and checked in with her. My advise is get the kids at home new toys,get ring cameras for general living areas so u can check on and talk to kids, dont expect husband to visit when you go in and pack for a weeks stay just in case you get no visits until you are ready to go home, send kids at home surprise take away. Worst scenario is your husband stays home you go on your own but do talk to mil, count your mum out she has made her feelings clear.

People being cruel here, yes her mum does not have to babysit but it is also cruelnot to want to help your child, my parents live abroad but my sil have just had her 4th c section- as with all the other kids my parents took the older children to stay with them for a week and drove 50miles to collect them and drop them off so my brother could stay with sil and their new baby in the hospital for a week,they have family rooms for every patient.

they do it regularly when the kids are sick and they need to be at work etc, opnis only asking for help for about 6hours middle of the day for a grandmother to spend some time with grandchildren.

we have all seen ads on the tv how we should not forget about elderly relatives, if she is not making any time for these kids now why should they cisit her when she is 80?

It’s frustrating and admittedly I haven’t read the entire thread, but I think, OP ultimately you need to accept that your mum isn’t obligated to help, and is for whatever reasons not willing to.

You don’t HAVE to be obligated to help her in later years either; you live by your standards and values and do your very best while looking after your children.

Exactly. I've asked family to help me when needed but if they have said no then I certainly haven't held it against them or felt disgruntled because of it. It was my choice to have LO, not them, so they shouldn't be strong-armed into looking after my child if they can't/don't want to. My child is not their responsibility, regardless of their relationship to her. It's up to me to organise my childcare.

@Bingbangboo64 Exactly. A lot of people like to criticise people who have a lot of children nowadays, but given our aging crisis and declining birth rate they're doing the UK a favour (and all the work and expense) to make sure there are enough young people to sustain the old in the future.

Not that I wish to criticise those who do not have children though; they often perform their role by earning more of the money that pays the taxes for education etc. The point I wish to make is that everyone is performing a useful role and we shouldn't be too quick to jump to criticism.

@Mymotherdontdoalot
Caring adult children assist elderly parents out of the love and support that they (the adult children) received ad they were growing up. They do not condition that assistance on their parents continued support of the next generation.

All of the grandparents that I know, love and enjoy time spent with their grand children. However, none of the people require assistance with their child as the terms for assisting elderly parents. Quite transactional terms upon which to base your relationship with your parents.

Obviously, the OP and her mother have an estranged relationship. If the mother had posted the OP, there may have a very different perspective and description of behaviors.

In this situation, there really isn't any reason why the husband cannot stay with the children. The OP will have all of the medical expertise needed to manage the procedure. It is a preference and not an actual need to have the husband present.

It is a bit confusing to figure out if the request for the grandmother 's presence was requested in terms of " I really do not like you, but I will hold my nose and use you as a convenience under the particular circumstances. "

Nothing about this situation speaks to familial closeness, so it is difficult to determine who is being naive and unreasonable.

If your mum can't look after 4 children, fair enough.

She should however suggest an alternative way to help you.

Maybe cook meals for a couple of days? Do your laundry?

Look after 1-2 children for a couple of hours?

Everyone can help in their own little ways and as a parent you should make an effort.

Nobody is an island.

I wouldn't want physical care from my children, they have been told if I get to that stage find me a nice care home and don't feel guilty. Visits would be nice. The child who wants to be organising that is the one who is a HCP and would be best able to assess what I need and the best place to provide it. He happens to be a man.

That is awkward timing, so much easier to get help or even not need it if it was a week earlier or later. You mum might even be more able to help if it was just after school.

Is there any room for negotiation on timing? I negotiated a 5 day delay with my Consultant, just because I was hoping for a vaginal delivery after an EMCS, I wanted a week, he offered 3 days and we settled on 5.

Just a thought OP, as it is half term is there any chance your mum would have the youngest one at her home? The older 3 are likely to be fine as long as dad is going home to sleep. I much prefer looking after my GC in my home, I think it is just that I know where everything is and it's my own bed.

Would that help?

@Mari9999 I completely disagree with you because that's an unfair contract. You cannot choose to bring a person into the world, bring them up but make it all conditional on them looking after you in old age. They are never given the chance to decide if they want to be part of that contract. If you bring children into the world, you bring them up and as the only adult in the arrangement you have no right to ask for anything in return. That's my view on it as a parent.

Whether you are then cared for in old age depends on a number of factors. If you are the kind of parent who decided at 18 that your child was on their own now and you were going to enjoy yourself, you cannot complain when you're 80 and your child decides they're going to do the same rather than look after you.

Nothing to add to the very sensible posts from others here other than to say I'd love to hear your mum's version of this story, and of your relationship with each other.

I would tell her not to ask you for a thing in future. You won't be there when she's the one in need of help.

She doesn't have to help you of course, but she can't expect you to help her in return when she's elderly. You reap what you sow.

Now you know you can't rely on her to help in an emergency. I would keep a superficial relationship with her involving little effort. Suit yourself, as she has done.

Gosh there are a lot of mean comment on here !!! I think it natural to ask for family help when having a baby . I’m really sorry your mum is so unkind to you . Maybe a friend could help out and I don’t think it makes a difference if it’s your 5th or 2nd baby you could still do with some help .
I hope you get sorted and congratulations on your soon to arrive darling baby

Is your MIL a stock market scammer? Or is she just someone who raped the rewards legally afforded to her bad claims what she’s entitled to? Do you want her to give you her money because your pension isn’t as good?

Bet she misses you loads 😂

What on Earth is a triple locked state handout?!

I agree 💯

You haven’t posted that once 😂

But surprised at you being induced at 38 weeks. That’s not what normally happens.

But there’s a solution - holiday camps. Easy! You’re really very lucky to have a date you can plan for

@FSTraining you are a horrible misogynist who thinks your MIL should only have been around for caring duties and doling out money to you. I mean imagine an older woman enjoying a holiday or a drink - of the humanity! If my kids of their spouses were as entitled as you I’d be spunking it up the wall on holidays too

Too many children? She only has 5 after birth,its regarded as medium sized family, 7+ is a large family (as per EU family laws regarding benefits etc)

That’s your source for what you consider to be a large family 🤣🤣🤣

sorry raped should have been reaped and it’s too late for me to edit. What an awful autocorrect error

The way you talk about your mum isn't very nice. So what if she does nothing? If I could retire early and do nothing with my days except for whatever I wanted to do, I would!

Although help would be nice, it isn't an entitlement, and it was a conscious decision to have 5 children. I imagine you did what most do and planned for worst case scenario childcare (e.g. if no other family or friends could help), so will just need to go with that plan, as inconvenient as it may be.

I agree. Weird how people are saying it's 'transactional' to not care for elderly people if they haven't helped you, but OP asking for one day of help from her 60yo mother is demanding and entitled.

Did you notice this is the mother who told OP she wasn't helping her because it wouldn't benefit her? And that when OP went quiet she repeatedly texted her, including telling OP that she is fucker and needs to grow up?

But no, it's OP who isn't being very nice 🙄

You don’t like each other. I wouldn’t bother with her tbh.