My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

@MartinChuzzlewit are you sherlock Holmes? because you seem to "know" all the ins and outs of exactly when ops csection is and the time and date, even though op hasn't divulged times in any of her posts

Also you say your nan looked after you throughout school holidays, that is family help, that is being caring, how on earth did the caring gene in your family jump and clearly missed you out?

My husband was required to stay in the hospital to care for the baby 24/7 because I couldn't and the nurses couldn't

It’s an absolutely disgraceful level of care for nurses to say they won’t look after a paediatric patient. What would they have done with a single mother!

Does anyone really want their children's help? Yes, they would want mine to some extent. In fact, I'm their preferred child to provide it. I do have good boundaries but maybe what I have more is concern than guilt? I'd like to make sure they are taken care of (not necessarily by me) but their own choices have made them very vulnerable.

Could your brother not have the 5 year old? To be honest at 14, I would talk to the eldest all the kids I know that age are desperate for cash so happy to babysit for it. It's not making them look after the younger ones rather paying for a service!

Once you have kids you never get your life back as you are their to help them forever not just until 18 in my book. We are unlikely to be able to fully retire to look after grandchildren so will at least split the nursery bill and drop a day at work to help. Reality we will likely cover the nursery bill for DS's 1st and 2nd.

It’s in 8 weeks time. That’s in term time. ELCS happens on weekdays when consultants are available. Women go in, wait their turn and hope it’s not pushed back. Don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes’s to count what date it is in 8 weeks time 😂

Sorry who are you expecting me to care for? I care for my children, who else do I need to care for?

I'm sure like most people our age, my ex-wife would like some of the money back that my mother in law's generation rigged the economy to steal. However, it's likely to have been spent on luxury cars, nice wallpaper and long cruise holidays long before that.

No idea. Maybe baby would have had to be taken to the special care nursery, because they didn't have a regular one? I was able to breastfeed because my husband kept being able to bring baby to my side.

I think often people do want and expect their children to care. My DH’s mum and her sister were expected to care for her dying mum, despite the fact one of them had v young children - she wouldn’t let a career anywhere near her and my poor MIL was run ragged whilst her and her sister worked FT and were pressured to do caring duties despite her mum being able to afford care. I don’t think that’s right or fair and I would never feel guilty for not giving in and I really wish other women wouldn’t feel guilty either!

Usually peoples pereferred child for caring is the daughter - because it’s see as women’s work still, sadly, no matter what the daughter’s situation is.

I'm not their only daughter. It's because they trust me more and because of experience I have.

Dear me

So your exMIL can’t be expected to be cared for but she’s also not allowed to spend her own money on what she wants?

How exactly did your MIL single handedly ‘rig’ the economy? Was she a politician?

The stonking entitlement of some people.

I hope she pisses it all up the wall on £45 a heard Farrow and Ball wallpaper and leaves anything she has to a cat charity

And if they only had sons do you think they’d expect caring duties from any of them?

Everything else aside, did anyone notice this my brother doesn't have any dc because he says his dw is too fat (she's, size 12) too have children with her, jesus wept

I think they would. But they would expect a son to do things like property repairs and more traditional male tasks. That is definitely true. I have made clear that I can't be relied on for much due to other demands on my life.

My ex-MiL lives on triple locked state handouts that she didn't pay for and a defined benefit pension from a public sector body that she paid peanuts for. Like many her age, her income is largely derived from unrealistic promises made by other people the same age with absolutely no consideration how it was going to be paid for (or by who).

To say it is "her money" is a matter of opinion. I think she earned "her money" in the same way as Jordan Belfort "earned" his.

Nevertheless, luckily she's not my problem anymore! I'm from overseas and my mother is a lot less parasitic because the state hasn't given her permission to go on the rob.

I think we may have talked on another forum op? Not seen you on there in a while, so I hope you are doing ok - you clearly have a lot on your plate! I am sorry your mum helps out others but not you (although I still think 4 kids is a lot to help with and she may be daunted by that?) - I hope you get things sorted, everything goes well and you welcome a healthy number 5

So you think she should have agreed. So do I as it happens. But that really isn't my point.
Do you think refusing to help justifies the spewing of misogyny and ageism on this thread, the urging of the OP to get revenge, and the gloating at the thought of a woman being neglected when she is old and frail?
Because that seems to me rather disproportionate when a simple yes she's unreasonable would suffice. The level of hatred behind some of these responses tells us a great deal about attitudes to older women. And given we're all headed that way, we might want to brace ourselves.

Very judgemental all the op is asking is if she can spend a few days with her grandchildren while she gives birth. Not unreasonable ask at all. I think it's that generation they were abused back then by their parents and at school. People of that age have very little emotion to give.

To the op it might be worth looking into hiring a childminder.

The problem is that she will help her step kids, but not you . Sorry for the situation , that really sucks.
I would be tempted to tell her where to go if she ever needed your help in the future, but maybe you are a bigger person tha. I am

Morning all! This thread seems to have been derailed by some quite unnecessary posters, who are trying to assume a hell of a lot, considering I already gave info on when I was going in and @MartinChuzzlewit im not due in 8weeks if you read any of my posts you would know I'm due in 6 weeks, just before Halloween on half term, so your such a clever clogs aren't you!

I don't think it's misogyny; I'd take the same view of the father but I read between the lines of the original post and assumed he wasn't in the picture. I assume others have done the same.

I also suspect a lot of us have come to our "ageist" views because we have experienced parents and in-laws who are "kidults." By that I mean older people who behave like entitled teenagers and only look out for themselves. My mother in law is a classic example of one. She refused to take any responsibility for the care of her own mother; she refuses to help my ex-wife; she regularly sends messages about where she is on holiday or is otherwise spending the money she quite frankly never earned and certainly when I knew her before the divorce, when she did come to our house she was constantly demanding alcohol (she wasn't interested in seeing the children unless we had wine to offer), rooting through our fridge and occasionally guilt tripping my wife about the care she might need in the future. Father in law in contrast was fine and when mother in law went on holiday on her own (she spends about 15 weeks on holidays a year) he used to come up and mind the children. I guess he probably still does. My parents are fine too.

My view is my mother in law is perfectly entitled to behave how she wants, provided she is realistic that the likely consequence is that people will treat her the same way in return. What goes around, comes around.

I'm younger than your mum and I'm an active grandparent. I recently had DGS 6 for a week and I was exhausted at the end of it. I think you mum will be thinking that you are being a bit entitled to expect her to care for four.

The OP’s asking for support for 3 days max, not ongoing childcare. That’s a reasonable ask in the circumstances.

Some people on here are so cold!

It must hurt when your mums willing to put herself out for her stepchildren and not you. Sending hugs OP 💐.

What goes around, comes around.

I think that helping out your elderly mum is quite a different ball game to looking after 4 kids.

It surely depends on their relationship/how they behave for her/how she treats them?

Are you confusing me with someone else? At no point have I told OP what I would do if she were my daughter. In fact, I've said upthread that I feel sorry for grandparents who get treated like childcare and lose any sort of retirement enjoyment. But this is just one day!

Please could you tell me where I have called posters name? I wouldn't do that.

I really think you have confused me with someone else, Lying?

Too many children? She only has 5 after birth,its regarded as medium sized family, 7+ is a large family (as per EU family laws regarding benefits etc)

many countries ecnourage eomen to have 3 or more children, to replace mum and dad and one spare as people often die without or before they have had chance to have children, Japanese have crisis with elderly population as young are too busy with work and ha e ahd 1-2 children at most