My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I strongly suspect you’ve had so many children due to the issues with your mother. You’re trying to replicate the unconditional love that you should’ve got from her with these children.
It’s just never gonna happen. Be the best mother in the world to your babies. Enjoy every minute with them. Never be her. And the cycle stops here. Good luck, OP

Let's hope your ex isn't banking on an inheritance then.

Talk about reading things that aren't said. But you do you, and if being outraged by reading into things is your thing, go for it. Maybe it comes down to individual personalities more but at least all our kids seem to be happy with their situations.

Riiight! I would rather swallow a live centipede than have my dc look after me in any kind of carer capacity.

There is a big difference between saying no to regular care which would be perfectly reasonable, and not helping out in an emergency such as this.

You're always actively parenting. If my married child, or even their partner, called me because they had an emergency, I'd be off immediately. The only exception being if I was in the middle of my own immediate emergency.

It’s perfectly reasonable to not be a carer for your aged parents, but the guilt is there for most people, if they have normal loving parents who’ve helped then at times over the years.
With attitudes such as the ops mothers, then what people are saying is they can opt out of caring completely guilt free.

Why did you think it was ‘unplanned’?

Why?

FGS it could not be less of an emergency!

OP has 2 months notice of a weekday term time c-section when her kids will be in school. Childcare is therefore, sorted. She also has a husband who can be on hand if, for whatever reason, one of the kids can’t be in school.

In what way is this an emergency?!

That’s true but this isn’t an emergency

No but my daughter giving birth is one of things I would make myself available for. Of course that doesn't mean OP's Mum has to feel the same way or do it.

Maybe not an emergency as such, but a one off. And it’s not likely to fit in nicely with school hours.

Bollocks is there always guilt! Does this only apply to women?

I won’t be caring for my mother. I feel no guilt about this. She has been mortgage free for 20 years, if she needs paid care she will probably have to sell her house to pay for it. I’m pleased she has that option and I don’t expect any inheritance. I feel absolutely zero guilt for the fact I won’t be caring. She didn’t care for my Nan either, and she felt zero guilt about it.

Despite the fact my man would care for us constantly as kids including all the six week summer holidays at her house

But if your daughter had a planned c-section at a time her kids were all in school, and a husband, what would she need you for?

Really? This is perfect for fitting around school hours

Everyone I know who had an ELCS went in at 8am and essentially waited. Everyone I know had their baby before lunchtime. If she was going into labour that could end up happening in the night. How on Earth is an ELCS not ideal or school hours?!

I would make myself available because you just don't know how a birth is going to go. I'd be happy to facilitate the husband to be at the birth by helping with the grandchildren. Maybe she'd need someone for school pick up during birth? Someone to be with the kids after the birth? If something goes not as expected, needs may arise. So I suppose it depends first if there is a need or not.

Just to add, I've never had a c-section so aren't really informed what it involves.

Dad can do pick up and be with kids after the birth. Men don’t need to be beside newborn babies in hospital 24/7. She will likely have the baby when the kids are in school. If something happens, unless her DH is also her consultant there’s very little he can do.

I suppose I’m always dubious about the ‘mum can help out her SIL narrative’ because, whilst my mum didn’t help us out (and has never even looked after my kids, which is absolutely fine) I know SO MANY women who went to move in for a couple of weeks with their DD SIL and new baby and ended up doing domestic work while their lazy SIL went out to wet the baby’s head or dodge nappy changing.

If we actually just expected fathers to do basic things like school pick up and bedtimes it would never occur to us that MILs were ‘needed’

How exactly is patting the OP's head and telling her that YOU would do it IF she were YOUR daughter blah blah blah, of any help at all? It's just sop, isn't it? It doesn't do anything for the OP who actually needs/wants practical help.

Just words. Pointless words that will not help her.

You'd have to wonder why OP has written such a lengthy OP but pertinent information about her relationship with her mother is missing from that. You keep calling posters names here, you call OP's mother names... what do you personally get from doing that? It really is what people lacking emotional intelligence do.

I do feel really concerned about the issue of caring for parents. They aren't even there yet but are now getting older. They moved some distance away and I'm caring for a medically complex child. I couldn't even go to them if there was an emergency right now. They didn't care for their parents either after moving so far away, their siblings did that. They are really victims of their own choices here but I still feel bad that I won't be able to be the support I'd want to give.

@TheMountainsCall its a big learning curve learning to not feel guilt over something that you can’t help, or that people don’t want help for. Us women are conditioned to feel bad for every nanosecond we exist in - but it’s totally pointless and unnecessary to feel bad. It sounds like they wouldn’t want your help anyway!

I suppose that depends how things go down. I've never had anyone help me or stay with me (which I wouldn't want) after a birth. For the last one though, my mother did stay with my older children for four days because I ended up in the ICU, which was obviously not at all anticipated. My husband was required to stay in the hospital to care for the baby 24/7 because I couldn't and the nurses couldn't. That is an actual emergency and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same. I agree that if it's a straight forward procedure scheduled between 10 and 12 that would probably mean no help is needed. But again, I don't know how capable a mother is after major abominal surgery like a c-section.

@MartinChuzzlewit are you sherlock Holmes? because you seem to "know" all the ins and outs of exactly when ops csection is and the time and date, even though op hasn't divulged times in any of her posts

Also you say your nan looked after you throughout school holidays, that is family help, that is being caring, how on earth did the caring gene in your family jump and clearly missed you out?