My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

So, if you have a child/ren you only have paid non family childcare? You’ve never asked family or even a friend for help during a critical situation? You have a paid childcare you can call on to help you 24/7?

It's also quite irrelevant to the current discussion whether i have paid childcare I care I can call on to help 24/7 or not. OP has plenty of time to organise paid childcare if she wanted to.

No daughter needs to hear ‘you’re a fucker, grow up’ from her mother.

The mum is a selfish twat, you can’t dress this up as tough love.

For argument’s sake I’m wondering how this would be posted if it was the ‘narcissist bitch’ mother

AIBU? I’m 60, I don’t work and live 60 miles from My DD who is on her 5th pregnancy. This is her 4th c-section and she’s previously had risky births that have gone wrong. I spend a lot of time with DH and DDog and also supporting his daughters who have MH issues. My own DD called and asked if I would look after her 4 kids while she has this next baby. Even though they are old enough to be in school when it happens she wants me for up to 3 days. I honestly don’t have the energy to look after 4 kids, it’s so far away and it’s a real handful. When I stood my ground and said no, she started to cry and her DH kicked off as well

I wonder what response that would get.

She likely usually does have paid childcare (her and her DH both work).

As she’s probably on mat leave, it won’t be easy to have kids in childcare just for one day.

When you were in hospital you write that you didn’t have the “luxury” of regular visits from your dh. Did you not ask your family to visit you and bring you things you needed? I don’t have family locally to ask so I’ve been in these situations and managed. I’m curious that, if you have family that you are on good terms with in a days return travel, why you feel such a burden asking for help? Surely this family would help you and as you would help them. Or perhaps you wouldn’t help your family? Imagine your family members, being in physical and mental health and able to help, hearing that you were in hospital without regular visits. They would have wanted to bring you food, reading material, anything you needed. I suppose it works both ways and because you have a strict no family help attitude you would never reach out to help them?

I’m actually amazed people are believing every word of the OP at this point - the way she claims what people have said is…odd. Her brother says his GF is too fat to have a kid, her mum called her a fucker for no reason, her step sister was rushed to hospital and then admitted it was all fake and to seek attention. I’m just not buying it personally. All these OTT exaggerated made up stories. OP just happens to be related to all these villains? Hmm

As I said, if you don’t believe the OP, there’s no point engaging on the thread.

If I think the OP is lying, I don’t waste my time by responding.

Her mother probably called OP a fucker because she expected OP to get over it quickly and when OP didn’t comply, she swore at her.

The step-sister probably didn’t admit she lied, but it would have been realised in hospital that there was no issue, and OP would have heard this from her mum.

There are always going to be pros and cons of having a larger family in comparison to only 1 or 2 children. I have 4. Having more than 2 obviously requires more work and juggling but it doesn’t necessarily mean a child is missed out or doesn’t have the needs met. In my experience it’s a case of making time and effort to ensure each child is seen and heard and that extra work falls on me and their Dad. We are fortunate that we have a very good support network which makes things easier.

Pipe down now dear. Don't you have some knitting to do 😉

So only people who swallow the OP’s soap-opera claims should be allowed to engage? That’s not how MN works.

Her mother probably called OP a fucker because she expected to get over it quickly and when OP didn’t comply, she swore at her.

Maybe the OP threw an insult first and she’s conveniently leaving that part out?

The step-sister probably didn’t admit she lied, but it would have been realises in hospital that there was no issue, and OP would have heard this from her mum.

You think doctors said to a woman in front of her stepmum “you’re lying you’re not in pain” (they can’t detect a lack of pain BTW) and her mum decided that “Oh she did it for attention” and told the DD she doesn’t get on with?

Sure. It all makes sense.

I think the more likely scenario is she was rushed in with abdominal pains (I once went to the GP with excruciating period pains and they actually wanted to call an ambulance because they thought I had an ovarian torsion - I got a taxi up and it turns out I was fine and it was all very OTT) and it was nothing and OP has filled in the ‘it was all for attention’ gap because she clearly hates her step-sister.

**So you use friends for emergency childcare even though your in laws are 5 minutes away?

And it’s ok for you to ask friends to provide emergency child care but OP is BU to ask her mum for one day of childcare so she can come home from hospital with new born?

This thread is batshit.**

Yes, only if BOTH me and DH can't look after DC. And i mean if both me and DH are in hospital or are critically ill and its unplanned. Fortunately, DH has managed to look after DC when I am in hospital and I've sacrificed the luxury of having dh visiting me in hospital, Ive never had to ask anyone for emergency chilcare. I was thinking hypothetically, if one day both me and dh are critically ill. The scenario with OP is different, OP planned to have her 5th, its unresonable for her to do so if shes going to be a burden on others. It's not an emergency. Not wanting to make your problems other peoples problems is not batshit. It's quite the opposite actually. But sadly it seems like we are living in a very entitled society where not burdening family is seen as batshit. And the friends I would call upon are friends I've already helped out with childcare or one way or another, but that would only be when all other avenues of trying to manage by ourselves have been exhausted

Oh I KNEW I had something to do today! Obviously I have nothing better in my life, if it wasn’t for my knitting I’d be going into town and asking random mothers if they want me to babysit their kids 🤣🤣

I didn't realise that only those " actively parenting" could voice an opinion on mumsnet. I'm still a mum however old my children are, and I was jsuggesting a reason as to why the OPS mother may not feel she could look after 4 children. Its an opinion from an older person who could perhaps put herself in a position that some posters won't have reached yet.
As a note I'm extremely supportive of my children and grandchildren ,but they would not expect me to look after 4 children for three days.
Perhaps I'll hop off to Gransnet now which is apparently is the only place I should be.

Woah- Im afraid the only person seeming unreasonable in all of this is you! You chose to have 5 children via C-section (with all the risk that entails) and based on your relationship with your mum, you should've thought about the upheaval to you and your children's lives before you thought about having this baby knowing she wouldn't be there! As it stands, go in for the csection alone (I did when we didn't have childcare and I planned it- as can you- on a day that suited me and my husband fine). Get a text home yourself- you'll be fine for that short journey. Or, pay for a babysitter to look after the children if you're adamant you want your husband there.

There is a bigger issue here though and that's the fact that you feel your mother doesn't care about you. Therapy might help with that.

I am leaving this thread now, I've got a crazy week.

was having more children a good idea?

I always find these threats of leaving kids leaving their parents to it in old age amusing. In a few years time the same posters will be moaning that all their inheritance has gone on care home fees.

Yes exactly! The clever arse responses about ‘leave her to it’ - I’m sure tbe OP’s mum hardly expects her DD to do caring duties anyway!

You chose to have a large family of 5 kids despite all the previous complications you’d had.

Thou shall repent of thy sin of ungratefulness before any church granny want to help. Have a great day.

You'd think after 4 she would have known though?

Well, you'd like to think we'd get all the usual clichés about 'No' being a complete sentence, wouldn't you? However, it seems that assertiveness only applies to younger women. Older ones are presumed to exist purely for the convenience of younger ones, and should keep their mouths shut and get on with the childcare they're 'priveleged' to be permitted to do, if they don't want to be punished by being left to suffer and die alone.
The misogyny and ageism is not only disgraceful but really rather stupid. The decades fly by, younger women are older ones in waiting, and all those flinging Karen, Bitch and Witch about are simply fueling the attitudes that in the blink of an eye will be coming right back at them.

My ex-MiL does, but doesn't like looking after the kids. I think my ex-wife is planning on telling her to fuck* *off when the time comes 😂

Congratulations OP, and hope all goes well with the CS. I don't understand why people assume OP can't make other plans or get other help, blaming her for having many kids and speculating on whether or not she can afford them. I read OP's post as simply that she's just hurt that her own mother refused to help her at a time of need. It's ok to feel that way. That seems to be the point really.

But op stated she doesn't have a history of helping and neither do they have a good relationship with each other so it was a bit foolish to expect anything to change, I really don't understand why op asked tbh.