My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

'It's not to her benefit to help you out'... Wat the hell..!!!

I'm sorry but I have to say your mother sounds like a tyoical narcissist. What a thing to say! ... . She is being 'dead honest' about it 'not benefiting her'...Narcissists are self centred individuals who always have to put themselves first always. This could also explain if you've always had a difficult relationship with her.

Plus is 60 that old? .. C'mon. I'm 55,..I have many friends who are 60 and over... We're not that old.. Lol

I happen to think that what you are asking for is a reasonable request. You're not making this request everyday are you.

I don't agree with your mother deciding not to help you.. You're her own daughter for goodness sake.

What is family for then if you can't help out your own family?

I'm a grandmother and I would not hesitate to help my daughter by staying with my own grandkids while she was giving birth. I know friends who who are older than me who from time to time take their grandchildren for the day or overnight so the parents can get a break. I even do it

If thy're own grandkids! I wouldn't care if there's 4 of them. Thy're my own grandkids!!

I would never expect a 14 Yr old to parent younger children. That would be unreasonable. What if something went wrong... how would that 14 Yr old feel?

When I went into labour with my own kids, my mother stayed with my kids while my OH supported me in the hospital. After the birth, he then went bk home to look after our other children.

I do think it's important for someone to be there to support a mother during chikdbirth because sometimes things may not always go to plan.

After my daughter was in labour for many hours, she was told she had to be given an emergency c section.

I can't imagine her being there on her own with no support. Thankfully her DH and I was there to support her at the time.

I don't think the OP should be blamed for having a large family. We don't know her personal circumstances.

If your mother 'refuses' to help then ask another family member on your side or your husbands side, or a trusted friend to either stay with you at the hospital whilst your OH stays at home, or ask if they can stay with your children instead.

I hope things work out for you OP.

I'm so sorry your mum is treating you this way. Of course, we don't know her side of the story and it is frustrating to hear you're almost due but your mum won't budge. There's clearly ill-feeling and resentment going on. I wouldn't bother trying to persuade her anymore, but it is telling how she is open to helping your brother or her step-daughters over her own DD. Very odd. Only you will know the true answer yourself because of your backstory. Maybe in a few years' time when things aren't so crazy with being in 'newborn/toddler' stage that you could try to spend some time patching up the relationship with Mum or, if you are certain her bias is unfounded and you are the scapegoat child compared to your golden child DB, you can just let her be and leave your DB, DSD and DSSs to take care of her in her old age.

The ageism on this thread is disgusting. Not all 60 year old are decrepit old biddies who need a midday nap.

I won't see 60 again, and if @Mymotherdontdoalot was my daughter I would help without a second thought. It isn't as if all the children are little. The eldest is a teenager.

My daughter has 2 kids, i care a lot for the older one (other DGC is too young to be away from mum). It is exhausting but i work too and disabled. However, i wouldn't be without seeing them or helping DD out. I had my grandson 10 days when she had a caesarian. I couldnt care for 5 though tbh. If i was well maybe. I see from both sides, but the way her mother treats her is horrendous.

The concept of choice doesn't remove the concept of responsibility for your own actions! The OP chose to have 5 kids, therefore it's HER responsibility to find care for them NOT her mother's responsibility!

BTW, I am 67 and there really are things I can't do anymore due to arthritis.

FGS it’s not a time of need. OP hasn’t given birth a single mum with 2 toddlers at Rhine to watch while she spends a week recovering. She has 2 months notice of a c-section in term time when all her kids will be at school and she also has a husband!

The level of venom towards OP’s mother is shocking. OP has gone into such spiteful details about her mother and step siblings. There really is no basis to call her mother a bitch or narcissist based on an extremely one-sided account. Why would her mother show so much support and empathy to everyone else? Is she some one-dimensional cartoon villain or maybe it is down to a longstanding issue between her and OP? Anyway, OP has had quite some time to organise things and needs to stop bitching about her mother and look at practical solutions. Those are her children. She and her husband have to work it out between them. This is her fifth not first child, dial down the drama!

It would be nice if she wanted to help but looking after 4 children is a big ask and she is entitled to say no. You will now need to look at other options i.e

DH looks after kids and DM supports you in hospital.

Presumably in the day the older kids will be in school (or old enough to go to friends for a few hours) so DH can potentially get a babysitter for the little one and still visit you. Or he’ll have to bring the baby to the hospital with him.

Or ask your brother and SIL for help. They might not have had kids but I’m sure they’re still able to look after an older baby for a few hours. If they want to of course.

Sorry just realised that your youngest is 5 so also old enough to go to a friends house for a few hours to free up your DH. Or DB and SIL?

Some people have fulfilling lives and are able to fill their time. They do not need to spend it looking after their grandchildren. Why is a woman always in a caring role , even when she’s older . Can we not just live our own life ? I do feel for you , if being a grandparent is the most important role you have. You can and should be so much more .

It's not unusual. It's not strange. It's what normal, decent women do when their adult children need them.

Women refusing to help a daughter out will hopefully reap what they sow, and richly.

Such sexist bullshit that only decent women take on more than they can bear

Karen's?

I think you are unreasonable expecting your mum to drop everything for three days for childcare when you don’t have a good relationship with her. I wouldn’t have even considered her as being an option in your position. Also, this is your fifth child and fourth c-section so it’s fair to say you know what to expect. Your kids are not young toddlers so I would think a babysitter to pick them up from school would be fine while you have your c-section with your DH there. Get organised and take loads of stuff incase you are in for two nights. Your DH can then go home and collect you the following day (all being well) leaving the 14 year old in charge as it’ll only be an hour or so. My mum had my toddler DS when I went in for my second but my DH was only there for the birth, then went home to relieve my mum and came back the next day to pick me up. It’s not a big deal.

She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that"

What a bitch your mother is. Remember her words when she is old and say them back to her when she asks for help.

when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up

And remember these words as well, she is the fucker, not you.

her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital

Because when she’s old she won’t be asking her DSDs for help, she will be asking you.

Tell the bitch it’s not beneficial for you to help her.

You lack serious emotional intelligence to call someone a bitch without knowing the real story, based on some OTT hatchet job.

Maybe the said daughter is not grateful whereas the in laws are ? Who knows. Take care of yourself for now OP and when you are ready I hope that you can mend the relationship with your mom.

This thread gets funnier and funnier.
Now just get two random old women from a church you’ve probably never been to - because as we know older women have literally nothing better to do than care for other people’s burgeoning brood 🤣

Can't your husband visit whilst children are at school?

YANBU. Did she help when you had your other children? Could it be that she disapproves of you having a 5th child and is making a passive, aggressive stance?

if she has no history of helping, I would be inclined to make very little effort back. You’ll soon be very busy and I wouldn’t bother messaging/ calling etc. Have contact on your terms, give back what you receive.

It is all a bit dramatic. The kids will be in school all day so he can visit then, the older ones can be left at home so he just needs to take one with him not all 4 if he needs to go out of school hours.

I've got 4 kids and it is all doable.

I've got 7 GC and I'd look after them if asked in similar circumstances and I'm 70 not 60 but we aren't all the same. The 60 mile drive in London would put me off more than the children.

So, if you have a child/ren you only have paid non family childcare? You’ve never asked family or even a friend for help during a critical situation? You have a paid childcare you can call on to help you 24/7?

Erm, yes, I've had to go into hospital etc, and we've managed just between myself and dh. Yes, that meant i didn't have the luxury of regular hospital visits from DH, but we still managed without being a burden on others. Not once have we relied on in-laws (who are only a 5 min drive away, or my parents), we try not to make our problems other peoples problem. If we can't manage by ourselves we'd use paid childcare. If we cant get paid childcare we'd probably rely on friends to look after DC, but thats only if both me and dh are critically ill and neither of us can take care of dc. OP and her dh have gone onto have 5 children. If it was OPs first or even second, I'd understand. But by the time you've decided to go on to have 5 children, you should only do so without being a burden on anyone else. Without planning on recruiting people to help out in a situation that oneself has caused. Other people have lives too, and their own problems, it's selfish to try and add to it, just to facilitate ones own wants. The sheer entitlement of the OP, she's gone on to have 5 children, wants help from family to do so, and then goes onto a public forum and moans/disses her mum when she can't get what she wants.

Is this your first time on AIBU? All we ever get is the OP’s side of the story.

And I believe her. If you don’t believe her, why are you even engaging with the thread.

It’s not me that lacks emotional intelligence, it’s the piranhas on this thread distressing a pregnant woman who is just asking for ONE day of help from her own mother so she can bring her new born baby home.

So you use friends for emergency childcare even though your in laws are 5 minutes away?

And it’s ok for you to ask friends to provide emergency child care but OP is BU to ask her mum for one day of childcare so she can come home from hospital with new born?

This thread is batshit.

The thing is for women, however pampered your life can be, when it comes to the physical stuff, you will get in pain. Knee deep, for a while. This is what I was thinking about. No escape. I hear a primal cry, and a mother who is saying, you will manage girl. You will have to walk the walk. The response is not what is expected, but it might be what is needed. Also mums say things then they do another. The op did not say the involvement of the mum with the previous pregnancies. Maybe she was too helpful.