My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

If they were young I could under stand all the hand wringing and talk of it being too much but they are 14,11,10 and 5 .

..and even the op calls them mischievous. There's more to this than we are being told. I bet if her mother wrote her side of this story we would be seeing things very differently.

And yet the father is 'useless' but gets a free pass. All the men sound hopeless but the mother gets vilified.

Then why keep on having kids with them if they are all so hopeless?

What I think about that is irrelevant when a woman is mere weeks off the section anyway. What, pray tell, is the use of berating a pregnant woman for her choices, when she’s asked for help with a situation? Apart from for a frisson of excitement for some posters at sticking the boot in?

If you were my daughter I would help. Your mother seems a bit mean in this instance. So, now you know and you have to make other arrangements. Your mother is as honest as she is mean but it is her choice.
I would ask ..
A trustworthy neighbour or friend to stay with the kids during the c-section (unless they are at school) and to mind the kids while you are discharged.

A parent of dc5's friend to have dc5 for a play date during those times.
Your Dh can bring dc5 and one other child whenever he is visiting you for other days you are in hospital.

Other people you could ask ..
Your stepfather, your step sisters, your brother, any other close relatives, paid babysitters, two older ladies together from your church. You will think of someone you can trust.
Keep well.

The older ones don’t even need a constant babysitter for 3 days.

OP’s husband can take responsibility here but as usual, it is women who are expected to. He could make sure the 5 year old is at breakfast club and after school club, he could then leave the older ones at home and take the 5 year old with him to visit the baby with OP.

The 5 year old could be dropped somewhere for the c-section and the others stay at home. This could be someone who is actually involved in their lives, not just someone because they have a vagina.

Or he can stay home when she has the c-section and then bring the 5 year old with him as soon as he can afterwards.

I would love to hear grandma’s side of the story.

This!

@Hibiscrubbed the DGM us probably trying to stop further unplanned pregnancies.

Oh so would I!

A stressful time for you worrying about this OP. I do understand.
But I think you shouldn’t fret any more about your mum refusing to help you out. You asked twice and she was very clear and certain that she wouldn’t do it. Maybe it’s the 60 miles journey to you, maybe it’s the uncertainty over timing, maybe she feels she can’t cope, maybe she just can’t be bothered. She has her own reasons, don’t waste your energy trying to figure her out, it’s just not worth it as the outcome won’t change, So let that go if you can and concentrate on finding another solution from your own community. A paid babysitter would be good if you could put a request on your community face book page ? I’m sure you can find somebody more local.
Good luck with your precious new baby.

4 kids is a lot to handle for anyone! I know I certainly wouldn't want to do it. 1 or 2 yes, but not 4! I don't really blame her as that would be a very overwhelming situation to put herself in. It's not up to her to provide you with childcare. You're a brave woman having 5 kids, I'm panicking about having 2 lol.

Can the Dad not look after the kids while you go in and have the CS? You’ll have a scheduled time for the surgery I assume. Do you have a female friend who can get you into hospital and get you settled? I’ve only ever had 2 emergency CS and both times the Dad had to go home and leave me on the ward overnight. Being blunt it’s your 4th CS so you probably know the drill and it’s not as if you’re there needing a hand to hold and encouragement to push from your partner. Has he scheduled some time off work to help you in the first week at the very least. It sounds like your relationship with your mother has been below par for years so you surely must have been prepared for not relying on her to drop everything and be by your side.

Hope it all goes well OP.

If I had a poor relationship with my mother, the last thing I'd do would be putting myself in a position where I'd ask for her help.

One of those where I'd like to hear the other side of the story.

Surely it would be better if your DH looked after the kids and you went to hospital with a friend or even your mum if she’d be up for that. Asking someone to look after 4 kids overnight is a big ask.

Yes it isnt the responsibility of gran to help but its pretty shitty the way she treats her daughter, talks to her. Personally i would go NC..not because she refuses to help but she seems to be a gaslighting internalised misogynist..helps others out but not DD. I have gone NC with my mum and i feel better. I am 50, i work, disabled..i am asked a lot to have DGS sometimes its too much though as much as i adore him. There are ways of saying no without her mum being so disrespectful

I too would like to hear grandma's side of things. There has to be a reason why she is so actively against helping.
If you have that many kids you really do need to think about whether you will be asking for family support and whether you can manage without that support.
I had 6 kids in 8 years. Grandparents were prepared to help and I also could afford to have someone into help with the house work and childcare for a short time everyday. The choice to have that many children- they were all planned- was carefully considered and support needed and available was taken into account.

This 100%!!!

Indeed. If they can afford that (and a fifth child) then they can afford to pay for a babysitter/nanny. Sorry but OP sounds extremely entitled

I think a lot of these responses are harsh OP
MN doesn’t approve of people who have large families for some odd reason (can’t believe it’s environmental as most fly off on their holidays at least once a year etc).
Your mother sounds narcissistic, regardless of whether she’ll help or not. Her words and actions are totally self centred and she sounds toxic.
She does have the right to chose whether to help or not but from what you say in your OP the things she says/does to you are cruel.
Its probably best to keep her at arms length and try to accept she doesn’t want to help.
Hope the birth goes well and you enjoy your new baby.

OP your mum helps out step daughters because she's not obliged so it makes her look good. When she says it doesn't benefit her to help you out, really, take that at face value. Go to the Stately Homes threads. There's a reason you don't get on and I'm betting it stems from her.

Forget about her now. She's not going to help and that's, in the long-run, a good thing. Look around to see if there's someone you can get to help out in the next weeks, maybe a few hours a week so when baby comes the younger kids already know her. Or look for someone who can come the day of c-section and, say, 3-5 days after full time to give you a bit of leeway.

Honestly, I have a mother like yours and when you don't have to deal with them it's actually a relief. Look for other options and leave her to clean catshit for brownie points with someone else.

And as others have said, she has just relieved you of caring duties when she's older. Your brother can be responsible for her, or her step daughters.

Whatever you do, don't keep hoping she's going to change, show she lives or values you and look for any type of validation from her. That'll only bring you pain. Instead focus on your lovely children.

Haven't read the whole thread but;
Why can't your DH care for his kids i.e parent them?
How old is your mum?
Is she in good health?
Why do you think she will help now if your relationship is so fraught?

My child repeatedly tells me how glad she is I didn't follow in my mother's footsteps, actually. She's currently of the opinion that she might prefer to remain childfree.

My mum did a great job and was a fantastic mother, growing up with six siblings sucked anyway, but you carry on smugly implying that if she'd only been as good a mother as you my childhood might have been better.