My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I’m also talking about @etherealfae

She said:

She doesn't deserve help and shouldn't expect it from her MOTHER because she's had 5 kids? ... some grandparents actually love and cherish their grandchildren you know!

And you turned that into:

older women should provide unlimited manual labour for someone else’s choice to have too many kids

@etherealfae was most likely talking about the help required by OP - just one day whilst she gives birth.

Your Mum can do whatever she wants : her responsibilities towards you stopped when she raised you.
I've got 5 kids. I won't be doing diapers once I've finished raising my kids.

Your hubby created life with you, this is your responsibility. DH and You. That's the dream team.
Any help you get, be grateful for but you are not entitled to anything. It feels like because of genitalia all things tagged female at birth are to clean and cook for a lifetime. For anybody, at all times, forever. Shocking horror, grandma has time to do whatever the pumpkin she wants with her free time. Yup. She does have time. Not you. You are going to have to suck it up for the foreseeable future. Not her. Yes, it sucks. But I hear Havana, Habuella, Gisela and Sophia have their mum bare foot cooking and cleaning and asking to live on the sofa to take care of the kids, not only do they take care of their grandchildren but the children of all the neighborhood actually, and they sew, they even do a little bit of gardening, they do preserves and what not. Right. That is not your reality. Last time I checked, I don't know about any grandma like that, even in novels they don't do them anymore. They died, way before they could attain sixty, a long time ago. You would not make my grandma enter your scheme and she is almost 90.
I hope that your husband is getting a grip, because you are desperately calling for help. Mamma is not ignoring you. She gave you a final answer to your request and. she. has. the. right. to. say. no.
You are the mamma now. A five year old is a big kid, baby will have to graduate and do a few little things for him/herself. You also have to drill the kids about what they are supposed to do for the next few weeks and how life is going to change. Forever. It's not a matter of adjusting for a few days. It's going to be hell on earth physically for a few weeks, not a few days, and you need to come up with a plan that works for you, this is your mental load, not grandma. You are a family unit, it's a nuclear family not an extended one. You have to start writing properly with a positive vibe the history of your tribe (welcome to the club). None of this is nobody else's business apart from you and your husband's. Mama is not in your team. Hubby is. Stop the drama and start a novella.
You know the drill. Be confident, you can do this. Keep the fridge full. The big kids should be able to heat up and cook food for themselves and bring you some. They should be obeying and coming to your help at your whisper because #hurt and #notwakingthebaby, the weekly chores should be up and running. Everybody should understand that they are going to be sleep deprived for a while and have a plan for coping (siesta after school etc.) The school run should be fixed for the next three months or so. All the best op.

There are a few different issues here. Firstly, in any normal relationship between mother and daughter, yes, absolutely I would feel that the mother should help out. Because that's what that relationship usually entails.

However that is not your relationship and it sounds like it never was. I think it's time to get realistic and stop trying to make the relationship different. She has never been a great mother to you, and you're going to drive yourself crazy trying to change that, so stop!

In your shoes I'd just pull away from her completely, and focus on building up a replacement family with loving friends etc.

I think in your position I would simply hire someone for a week or two.

There's clearly bad blood between you and your mother, not to mention that looking after 4 children is a HUGE ask, regardless of how well behaved you think they are.

It's not one day, it's potentially THREE days depending on how it goes. OP's birthing tends to have complications; that's what she said.

We don't know why the relationship between OP and her mother is so bad, OP hasn't said. It's not really fair to denigrate one person based solely on what another has said. It's pointless to champion when you know only one side.

It's all academic anyway, OP's mother doesn't want to look after the children for whatever reason and OP, instead of finding an alternative help has tried to coerce her mother again into helping out. How was that ever going to end well?

I am sorry for the OP but her mother, as a child-minding resource, is not available. OP's husband could perhaps pull his finger out and find alternative childcare to save his wife the stress instead of succumbing to it himself. OP is having the baby, not him.

Also op, the fact that your mother, who went through child birth herself tells you to your face that she will not help you in your time of need tells you everything you need to know about her character and the state of your relationship. Now might not be the time to address it.

It's great your want and have a big family but you can't then moan that no one will help you look after the big family you wanted.

You have chosen to have 5 children. Your mother is under no obligation to help you. Quite frankly, in her shoes I would be baffled by the number of kids you are having and wouldn't be helping either

This. I saw this with an acquaintance, had numerous children but all based on the fact her mum was available to help out. Her mum was from another country but there was begging/pleading for mum to move here, and she met financial requirements for residency and did so. She thought she was moving for a daughter/grandmother relationship though, not to be a babysitter and ferry older kids around constantly to after school activities and sports. When the person got pregnant with their 5th the mum hopped on a plane and went back overseas and sold the house she purchased here. Then the person moaned endlessly and tried to get all of us to assist! Was very much, ‘it takes a village’ mentality, the cheeky fucker. They ended up with no friends either.

Your mother is a narcissistic bitch who only helps people she is trying to impress. She has admitted this explicitly.

Your brother is the golden child in your family. Her husband's children are connected to her husband and therefore of more value to her than you are.

Ignore the haters here who are picking you apart for choosing to have five children. They live in a dog eat dog world devoid of a shred of respect for the concept of choice.

Cut contact with your mother, for your sake and for the sake of your children. Be grateful that she hasn't had much to do with them, and therefore no chance to pick one to be her favourite while devaluing the rest. Women like your mother do untold damage to families and cause immense misery.

Look immediately into hiring a doula to help you in every way you need help when you have your CS and while you're at the hospital. Start calling ASAP.

What.The.Fuck.Have.I.Just.Read?

Heartless post.

All the women I know who are grandmother's have dropped everything and gone to the aid of their daughters and daughters in law when they delivered, regardless of whether it was child number 1 or child number 6 for the women they helped.

I am 58, and my friends are my age and older. I fully intend to help my own daughters and future daughter in law in every way I can in their hour of need.

It's not unusual. It's not strange. It's what normal, decent women do when their adult children need them.

Women refusing to help a daughter out will hopefully reap what they sow, and richly.

You are both being unreasonable and not being unreasonable

You ARE being unreasonable in having an expectation that your mum will care for your FOUR children. Four children is a lot to handle. It's a lot of responsibility and I personally wouldn't agree to look after four. And ultimately this is the risk you take my having a large family.
People don't want to help because it's a lot.

Also, in all honesty, your mum has lived her life and raised her kids. She's not obligated to care for your children. I only have the one child, and my mum rarely has her to stay because she's incredibly busy, works incredibly hard and wants to spend most of her free time on nice holidays and nicer handbags. I'm not going to be upset or begrudge my mum her enjoyment. She's worked for it.

You are NOT being unreasonable in being upset that your mum has spoken unkindly to you. You are also not being unreasonable in feeling frustrated that she won't care for your children while you give birth. At the end of the day it's perfectly natural to feel frustrated when the plan we've made in our head can't realistically happen.

Advice: Going forward, start planning things (family planning, births, birthdays, christenings) using the resources you already have. And Treat any additional help as a bonus rather than an expectation because people aren't obligated to give you support

Its quite odd that her mother will help out other family members but not the op? That is quite telling one would say.

Thegoodbadandugly

How many sides of the picture are we seeing?

I would put myself out quite a lot to help people who need it but I don't think I could stretch that to caring for 4 kids for days, so their parents can have yet another. Just don't think I could cope with that at all!

And yet you're expecting it from someone who you clearly don't get along with.

What did you do for the last 3 babies?

OP is getting a really unfair go here.

The mother will happily get down on her hands and knees and scrub faeces off the floor in a regular basis to help out a woman she's not biologically related to, but won't help her own child even once in an emergency.

Clearly the mother is willing to perform domestic labour for her husband's adult children, so it's nothing to do with her having done her time and now wanting to spend her golden years enjoying her leisure. She's willing to do domestic duties for everyone except OP. OP is justified in finding that difficult to swallow.

And everyone is ignoring that the mother is controlling towards her own grandchildren, always needs to be the centre of attention even when around children, and has a long history of animosity towards her own child.

If the OP only had one child, or was childless but needed some other kind of emergency help, her mum would probably still be saying no. The issue isn't the number of kids, it's that the mother-daughter relationship is shitty. Stop making this about OP's decision to have a large family, because OP didn't post "AIBU to have five kids".

Having said that, OP, there's realistically nothing you can do. You can't make your mother treat people fairly, or stop her being a narcissistic, or force her to be a loving grandmother. It sounds like there's a very difficult history there, and unfortunately people don't change. Your mother won't change. All you can do is accept that, but accepting a difficult emotional truth is hard when you're up against things in a practical sense.

If you can't cope with the children you have stop having them, she does not have to help

Why are so many assuming that the mother is the bad guy? The very fact that OP mentioned that this apparent utter ogre is happy to help her step daughters could also mean that they are kind to her and aren't behaving so entitled as OP appears to be. Maybe they haven't got that many kids and aren't placing demands on her and treat her with respect. OP has shown very little of that in this thread. Who is to say that the mother is responsible for their fractious relationship!

I am a considerable way off from becoming a grand parent but I hope that I won't experience this disgusting ageism shown far too often on here. It really is disgusting that in this day and age were so much emphasis is placed on not 'othering' almost every group, those women above a certain age are a target for all the nasty Karen jibes. Your husband can bloody step up and look after his own children and you had a long time making other arrangements!

You sound entitled tbh. On your 5th child and expecting your mother to help out. Look around. Who can have 5 children these days without being absolutely loaded to pay for help? - Jamie Oliver is the only one I can think of.

Agree. I wouldn't help anyone having a fifth child, for myriad reasons.

Exactly.

It 100% does

She sounds like an absolute failure of a mother OP. I wouldn't bother with her going forward.

Good luck with the birth x

I agree. Outside of the weirdos on Mumsnet it's a perfectly normal thing to do and expect. My family would never let me down this badly.

I'm sorry this isn't looking after 1 or 2 whilst DH pops down, this is bigger ratio than a childminder would be allowed! At what point is someone allowed to say no I cant physically do that?