My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

We can’t assume all children will give back - many will be a burden on the state. And whilst they ARE children they are costing the taxpayer an absolute bomb with no guarantee of a ROI. Six children is too many.

I can’t believe the level of hostility and spitefulness to the OP because of the size of her family. Disgraceful.

OP, I’m sorry that your mum isn’t prepared to help you when you need a bit of help. It isn’t an unreasonable request at all and I completely understand why you want your DH available to support you. I hope you find someone else to step in and good luck with your new baby. I’d forget about your Mum for now, and concentrate on looking after yourself. Honestly, it’s her loss xxx

What also happens when you actually love your kids is that you wouldn't knowingly risk leaving them without a mother permanently, by doing something that you have been told carries a risk of complications, when you had every choice not to. Being 'disregarded' pales into insignificance.

Hopefully it will be a schoolday and your husband will have 6 hrs to be with you, could the 14 year old cope with the 5 year old for an hour or two or is there afterschool care that could help? I understand you want him around but with 4 kids at home he just can't be there all day.

Maybe he could be with your for the school day, go home feed kids get youngest to bed and then back to you for an hour or two? Hope you can work it out.

If it were OP’s father, I would have the same response. I don’t know where her d
Dad is - if he’s alive then he should help too.

Of course at number 4 c section it's I reasonable! When does the DGM get to live her own life?

Is it safe to have so many c-sections?

I've voted yabu because it's your choice to have 5 kids. I wouldn't want to look after 4 , that's why I only have 2. This is something you should have planned for.

Having said that she doesn't sound very nice and it's horrible favouring her stepdaughter s. You would not be unreasonable to go low contact.

@zmq3Zm96uijcs2c you've not answered the question? Why is she expected to give more and more childcare for the five children? When can she say no?

I am salty about it, but thats because I have had it said to me on mn words to the effect of I only had loads of kids because I am too lazy to work. This was at a time when I was doing literally everything on my own as my abusive ex had finally been gotten rid of and I was working ridiculous hours just to keep a roof over our heads....and no I didnt have family helping out! They would have if I had asked but I didnt ask. Also that it must be nice to get that much in benefits, that I wouldnt have had them after the benefit 2 kids cap, that I need to learn about contraception...... you name it. Oh and lots of "probably" bandied about, as above. That I probably have a massive council house, that I probably have them looking after each other.....lots of assumptions based on no knowledge whatsoever.

this is a sore subject for me because there its always people TELLING me that I am not giving the kids what they need because the person doing the telling couldnt do it. If they can tell me that I am shit parent, why I cant I tell them that they are wrong? I have been TOLD on this thread that I havent given my kids what they need. I disagree yet still I am shot down because I had the temerity to have more kids than they could cope with themselves.

I agree. I think that it’s jealousy really. The hostility is from people being jealous of the op and that she has a big family. I wish her all the best. It’s not easy but worth the intensive work that parenting a big family requires.

No but OP and others don't care about that!

Bit of a difference between a night out and giving birth isn’t there??

No it's not, my consultant reccomended no more than 3.

Every pregnancy carries a risk of death. As does driving a car, crossing a road, eating while alone. So you have a problem with the size of OP’s family and you think she should go through it with no support because she made a choice you didn’t. Let’s get out the bell and start chanting “shame”, shall we?

Read your own post!! That c/s always happen in the morning!! They don't!

Are you quite mad?

I have three and that's a big family to me! 100% not jealous of someone being crazy enough to have 5!!! Certainly not 5 c/s either. That will always come back to bite you in the arse when you're older.

She has said no, she’s not being held in indentured servitude. She chose to say no in a particularly cruel way and then doubled down with abusive messages. Just like her daughter is living with the consequences of her choices, so must the mother. For me, the consequence would be that I would never speak to her or help her in any way again.

@PyongyangKipperbang so you had those kids with an abusive ex and then were absent for your kids, but you advocate having six kids?

Jesus!

Have you thought of going onto childcare.co.uk or contacting nanny agencies to see if you can hire a temporary nanny for a few days? Not sure how much this will cost but may be an option worth exploring?

The OP isn’t asking her DM to provide regular childcare, which would impede on her own free time. She’s asking for a couple of days of help, so to posters saying ‘when does she get to live her own life’ how about the other 363 days of the year?

When I had my second child, I asked my mum and dad well in advance to look after my eldest (2) if I went into labour. They agreed but even when it happened, we drove half an hour to them to drop off my son before going to the hospital, we didn't want them to have to drive or be away from home.

The next day, post birth, my husband went to theirs, came back with DS1 to introduce him to his brother then took him home. They both came back to pick me up the next day when discharged. It was lonely, yes, but we split the responsibility between my husband and myself. We didn't want my parents to have to do more than absolutely necessary because they've done their bit, our children are our responsibility.

Maybe your mum (though it does sound as though that relationship is dead in the water) feels that you're asking for what you want, not what she can give?

If it were me, I'd leave the eldest kids home alone, while husband drops me off into the labour ward with the youngest. Then he'd go home, and visit the next day with the youngest. If your mum doesn't want to babysit, then there's nothing you can do about it. She's probably thinking why did you have 5, if you can't manage without her help. It's not nice and i do feel sorry for you, because family should help each other out.

YABVU. Your decision to have that excessive amount of children. You have to deal with it - why should she have to