My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Are you coping with the children you have already in a practical and financial sense? If you’re not could it be that she disapproves of you having another child? And maybe a 4th c section? I was told not to have more than 3 c sections as it’s very dangerous to have more. Is she maybe trying to make it harder for you as she doesn’t want to support or make it easy for you to make unsafe and insensible decisions again in the future?

if she helped with your first few children and only now is refusing then I think this may be her issue. I would be very concerned if my child was risking 4 c sections and probably quite angry with them for taking that risk. If you’re coping well with existing DC then having 5 shouldn’t bother anyone but I feel like there is a lot of judgement like this from society once you get over 3 children and a general attitude that you don’t deserve help. Which is unfair but not an uncommon attitude unfortunately

It was a pretty big ask from someone who you don’t particularly get on with, who has let you down previously, and who doesn’t live nearby. If you’d perhaps asked for one day she might have agreed.

If it’s so difficult getting taxis big enough, could you just leave the eldest two at home? Or see if they can stay at a friend’s?

FIVE??

I always find these threads sad and disappointing. OP's mum doesn't have to help and she's obviously not obligated in any way.

Yet, surely as a mother, you'd want to help your daughter in this situation? It amazes me how many people say otherwise. I'd like to think that if my child needed my help, I'd help them in any way possible. And it's nothing to do with them being 'entitled' etc. It's what family and friends do for each other- they help. I know I wouldn't be in the position I am today without help from family and friends. And I like to think I've helped them whenever possible.

No wonder society is taking such a turn for the worse...nobody seems to care about anyone else anymore...

YABVU
three days with four children? No thanks.
If you can’t manage you could stop having children.

@ButterCrackers I highly doubt anyone on here is jealous of the OP and her huge family.
The mum is awful but equally the OP has made a decision to have 5 kids so now needs to work out the practicalities of that decision.

That sounds really upsetting I can totally understand why you are so upset. My mum is a fair bit older than yours and has helped me so much. I hope you have some friends or other family who can help. It sounds like you need some space from your mum. You are heavily pregnant and do not need this stress. Good luck!

Totally agree RosieRainbow, it’s really depressing.

Ummm ...5 kids???

Ask her just to help when you go into labour. When you come home your H can bring the 5 year old with him but the 14 year old can take care of the other two. You only need your mum for when you go into labour.

She keeps proving that she isn't the mother or grandmother you hoped she'd be, both in terms of how she speaks to you and how she treats you in comparison to others. There's no put continuing to put any effort into a relationship where there's no respect.

Distance yourself, go as low contact as possible. You need to spend the time on your children. In the short term, you'll need to seek help from elsewhere when you go into hospital- paid childcare/ help from husband' s family, call in favours from friends.

It's sad your mum doesn't want to help. I can't imagine circumstances our parents wouldn't help if they possibly could. If she doesn't want to that's her choice, obviously that will impact on her relationship with her grandkids. Her loss.

As for childcare, presumably a planned section which is likely to be on a week day? Get a friend's parents to have 5 yr old for a sleepover on C-section day. (And 10/11 if necessary.) DH won't be able to stay all night anyway, he'll be home to supervise the big kids overnight. You could have some contingency plans for subsequent days but either it's a weekend in which case friends are likely to be able to help, or it's a school day in which case DH has plenty of time to give you a break when they're at school and could bring them to meet new sibling after school.

To everyone saying their consultant recommended no more than 3 c sections/more than that being extremely dangerous etc, was that recent? It seems like outdated advice. My eldest is 8 and when I had him via c section, the consultant told me that while the risks go up with each, it really depends on the individual woman and how their scar is so they don't give a blanket limit.

….Because they are her grandchildren. How wonderful to be a gran of five. Where’s the pride and emotion gone? Being asked to help when the kids will be excited to meet their sibling would be magical. Such a special time but that’s not seen here. I helped a friend with her other kids when she was having a baby. They were so happy and it was a lovely time. How great for a gran to be there. But no the people here think no way should her mum help - I suppose that looking after her dh and their dog is seen as more important than a few days helping her grands.

Simple solution is DH watches the 4 other kids. It’s a big ask for someone to watch 4 kids, she doesn’t have to do it. You’ve chosen to have a 5th knowing the risks involved. Or you get paid childcare

Few people are able to save enough for their full time care needs, regardless of how responsible they are, so its silly to pit that against responsible choices regarding family size.
Fortunately only a minority of people actually need full time care. And when they do this is typically provided in a care home, not by their adult children.
The majority of elderly people live and die fairly independently without needing a great deal more than errands and lifts from family, and often friends and neighbours are more on the spot for that in reality. So anyone hoping to neglect their parents in old age as revenge for lack of childcare is likely to be disappointed.

I don't know anyone who did this. Mostly it is grandparents helping out with the children at home.

It's very sad if your mother wants to have nothing to do with her grandchildren. You haven't said if she has work commitments, at 60 I'm surprised she doesn't have a full time job or at least a part time job.
Question of travel and dog if that was the real problem, would it be better for her if your husband drove the chidren to her place? Even the older children would be granted a few days off school if it were a medical emergency.
Are your husband's parents still alive?

Interesting you chose the word “neglect” - almost as if you recognise that showing basic care and compassion for family (or just people) is, at least to some extent, a duty. That’s what can be neglected, right… duties?

Sorry but expanding your family was your choice and you should have thought about the logistics of the birth and subsequent care of your brood before popping another one out. Your family is your responsibility , not your mother's and to be honest, you sound quite draining.

some horrible comments on here wtf, your mom sounds like a piece of work and i'm sorry you don't have the support from here you obviously crave :(

OP had put stress on herself!!
She’s has made a crisis where there isn’t one and then cried when she couldn’t get something of someone who never gave her anything before.
I might also add that OP has had 3 sections and complications and getting pregnant again under those circumstances was very foolish.
She can hardly blame her mum for that.

Im reserving judgment on the other side - I’d like to hear what the mum has to say.

@JenniferBooth my FIL passed away 4 years ago.

You’re probably mates with her.

Listen, the point here is not whether or not the granny is being unreasonable in refusing to mind her grandchildren.

This is the case of repeatedly asking the same question and expecting to get a different answer. The OP's mother isn't going to do it. She was never going to. She isn't interested. Plus for a pretty distant mother/grandmother to be asked the question in the first place... well, it was never going to end well was it?

The OP and her DH knew this. They went ahead with a risky 5th pregnancy anyway. Why on earth did they think this was going to be any different? I'm the same age as the granny and whilst, if I had grandchildren which I don't, I can't imagine not at least trying to help out, even though I am riddled with osteorthritis and other health conditions.

I don't know why you didn't anticipate this @Mymotherdontdoalot and it is so so annoying when OPs don't return to explain or defend their position. It's rude.