My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

What has a potential crisis for to do with her mum?

We know the OP is having the safest possible method of birth for her, at a specified time she can plan for, when her kids will be in school. If something goes wrong…well I’m afraid it won’t be her mum’s fault and to be Frank, it’s a risk the OP took having a 4th section. If something DID go wrong how would her mum sitting at home while the kids are in school be of any use to anyone?

It is her business if she's being asked to help.... what a ridiculous comment!

I actually thought this was a reverse.

yabu. Hire a babysitter or nanny. Or a doula and your dh stays at home. Ir have a friend go with you.

am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications!
i could have died in my second labour. I then decided, also encouraged by mws, to stick at two. I had to ignore all urges to have a third. Not worth the risk.

how many children does your brother have?

Children do cost money, that's true, but they are an investment. A society that invests in children is investing in its future.

Agree. I hope to be a grandma someday and what a privilege it would be. I’d be there to help and follow the instructions of my kids as parents to their kids.

Then you have no idea how much a baby can cheer up an elderly lady with dementia. She loved the days I went purely because she could spend the whole time with DD2. No idea who I or my mother was, but remembered DD2 perfectly!

You don't like her. You don't get along.

You said she's done some things that are beyond reconciliation, but have kept her in your children's lives (if she is really that bad, why would you do that to them?!).

Past experience has taught she is not there for you, yet you expect her to come and look after your other four children, just because you're in hospital having another one?!

I'm sorry you have a crap Mum - I know exactly what that is like, but luckily mine is dead, so I now longer have to grieve the Mother I never had, but always wanted - but your relationship doesn't exactly sound like one where she would do as you've asked/expected.

Realistically, you have a large family, but have a husband who.can pick up the slack at home. Do you not have any friends that could be with you, or visit? That's what I had to do when I had my twin DC via Emergency C-Section.

I think you're being totally unreasonable to expect your Mother to help out, when she sounds as though she has been shit over the years. Your entitlement/expectation is a tad unpalatable.

I agree and I don’t mind picking up the tab for any children - but it’s delusional to say kids don’t cost the taxpayer money. I’m pretty sure mine in schooling, NHS care etc cost more than me and DH put in

How many children you have is not her business

Thankyou so much for proving me right with what i said earlier. Women being expected to provide childcare but be silent and not allowed to have an opinion. (see also the step parenting board)

And where did I say I dragged them all along. They didnt all turn up on the same day.....long age gaps remember? Which also means that the two older ones where at school.

I’m sure it did but I can’t imagine it was brilliant for your kids, taking time out of things they’d be better off doing. Also presumably you didn’t have six babies at the same time.

But you’re better than me so what do I know 😂

I still think it’s quite mean to not help out. If it were me I’d rope in some relatives to help out with the kids for a bit. Tbf though I’d also not understand why my DD has 5 kids. But we don’t have any family support so stopped at one as that seemed sensible.

I think people are being a bit harsh, OP is asking for temporary help, yeah no-one wants to look after that many kids but most people would suck it up for their child. If OP was looking for regular childcare then yeah it would be taking the piss (I am 100% not doing regular babysitting after I’m done) but a few days to help out your child and grandchildren isn’t that much to ask for.

with the best will in the world: your relationship with your mother is strained. You can't expect help.

With 5 children you need better a good support plan and network. Don't ask your mum.

100% this!!!!

@PyongyangKipperbang You can sit there smug in your belief that all people with more than 2 kids are thick poor scrounging breeders if you like. But be told......you are wrong.

Just because you (rudely) say "be told......you are wrong" does NOT make what anyone has said, actually wrong! Other people are perfectly entitled to have a differing viewpoint than that of your own. That doesn't make them "wrong" they just have a different opinion to you!

Well at least you know... her step daughters are there to provide elderly care in the future and resolve you of your duties because it won't be beneficial for you.

My mum said she would help.

TL:DR

But your decision to have loads of children is yours. If your mum doesn’t want to help, that’s her choice.

YABU - did she help when you had DC4?
could you ask a friend of DH family to have the 5 year old so DH can pop in for an hour?

I think when you have that many children you know already how much help and support from friends and family you have so it’ll be less about DH spending time with you but he will look after the kids and you have the baby.

If you’re finding this stressful and don’t have extra support then 5 is probably more than enough children.

Why?

Because I don’t think retired women’s only purpose is to serve their entitled adult children?

But that's not the right calculation.

With children, society is "paying it forward".

Parents don't own children. They are independent members of society in their own right. Parents have responsibilities towards them (clothe, feed etc.) but so does society.

The calculation isn't how much the parents put in, with a deduction for how much is spent on the children.

The calculation is how much is spent on the children weighed against their contributions as adults later on in life. But that's not merely a monetary calculation - it also has to take into account the value of any unpaid, caring and emotional labour they provide.

It's not her job to help out. You chose to have five kids so crack on 🙄

Her mother has upped the stress levels - if not by her dismissive first response, then certainly through her abusive follow up messages. She was slinging insults to her heavily pregnant daughter. She is vile.

Does this belief go further. Is it also fair to say that if her mother becomes infirm through age OP should leave her to her own devices? If she has been so irresponsible not to save for her full time care needs, of course.

@zmq3Zm96uijcs2c just explain why the DM should give free childcare? Because she's female?