My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

I too drove several hundred miles to stay with DGS1 whilst my DD had a second DGS. I filled her freezer up with homemade meals she could just pop into the oven too like shepherds pie, fish pie and Spaghetti Bolognese also apple pie and rhubarb crumble. I baked her two dozen cupcakes and ginger cookies too. I'm not sure I could cope with 4 DGC though. By the time your DC gets to their fifth child the grandparent is older too. I stayed for 1 week so she could get back on her feet and did all laundry , shopping and cooking and took my eldest DGS to nursery and collected him each day. 4 is a lot though as you get older.

It's difficult for you OP, your mother doesn't sound particularly pleasant and clearly isn't a helpful woman and sounds very self centered. However as others have said, they are your children not hers and she doesn't have any obligation to help you out unfortunately.

I have a similar situation whereby my parents are very helpful, but my MIL won't help out at all with our child. Just got to accept that that is who she is and make other arrangements.

It would be nice if she was up for helping, but it’s entirely up to her. In fairness, you do have an awful lot of kids..

I think it’s a v good point that OP is fortunate to have a date of her baby’s birth.
Wehn I was pregnant with DS, DD was 3.5. We had MIL on call if she wasn’t working - and DD was in nursery 3 days a week. Meaning if I went into labour on a day when MIL was working and DD wasn’t in nursery, and we couldn’t get her in at the 11th hour, I’d have had to have given birth alone. OP has a planned date and time in term time, so much less to worry about so the stress and panic is totally unecessary

You choose to have 5 kids. You can't expect other people to change their lives to fit round your choices, and it seems clear enough that your mother has long ago made it clear that you can't rely on her for help, so whether she is right or not to be like that, you ought to have got the message by now and factored that in. When you're 60, even if you're fit and lucky enough to be healthy, you definitely don't have as much energy as you did when you were 40, and since when did anyone drive 60 miles in a hour? Do you both live on motorway junctions?
You also seem to be very judgemental of other people. I for one can tell you that bad period pains can be appalling. I am not impressed that you write them off as attention grabbing.
It seems to be all about you, you, you.

Mn did used to be a supportive space but it it's so aggressive now , I dont know if it's the size or the demographic now but it's becoming unpleasant to use , and read .

The op didn't ask if she being unreasonable to have 5 children, and yet that's the thing people,are commenting about. It'shardly like she can send them back and on the pregnancy boards it's all "your body your choice"

Surely though, it has to be asked, surely you thought about all these struggles before deciding to have so many children? I know as well as anyone that sometimes they come along when you least expect them to, but you're on your 5th child! You know how it works! Surely you must know the routine by now? i.e: how to prevent pregnancy in situations whereby you may struggle with an additional child/another pregnancy/the birth of another baby/childcare etc.
If you were on your 1st or 2nd baby, I'd agree that your mum sounds selfish as f, regardless of it being her 'right' to refuse to help. I'd say that it's the decent thing for any mother to do, to help their baby with their own. We have to learn how to care for a baby from somebody, right? Who better for a mother to learn from than her own mother? Especially in the beginning. However, not on your 5th. I'd be annoyed at my DD's choices IF she was likely to struggle in some way.

YOU need to be able to cope with YOUR five kids. I’m actually feeling bad saying that because I know it’s harsh. But it’s true.

@EandKDJ And your FIL? Always the nearest vagina!

Rude! It’s her personal choice to have that many children. Who are you to say it’s too many?!

Hmmm. Anyone who knows me knows the following about me:

Whilst I'll voluntarily do anything for pretty much anyone, I must be quite precious with my liberality, because if I feel I'm being backed into a corner and pushed to do something which is a fairly big ask (as in looking after 4 kids for what might end up being more than a few hours), then I tend to go in stubborn mode! It's a bit like walking - I love to walk if I haven't got to, but if I have to walk to somewhere, it loses all appeal.

Could it be something similar with your Mum? Perhaps your step-siblings don't actually ask her for her help all that much, and she just volunteers it?

Maybe it would be more effective in terms of 'support' if we explained the basic principles of contraception to the OP, then.

Whilst I appreciate you're full of pregnancy hormones (I remember them well), YABU and come across as so bloody entitled.

Why on earth did you choose to have FIVE children if you struggle to transport and care for them?

It's not your Mum's fault that you've chosen to have so many children. It's not your Mum's fault that you are having a fourth c-section.

If you've had such a strained history, then I think you're being even more unreasonable by expecting her to help you and for being so annoyed at her not helping you.

Jeez.

If you do not have childcare, then can't husband just look after his children and you and the newborn get a taxi or bus home?

Because she can't accommodate them all without other people being involved? Then had the temerity to be angry than others won't deal with her issues.

When she can look after them all without others, then it's just fine.

But if it’s your body your choice (which obviously it is) it can’t also be condemning your mum for not wanting to haul HER BODY over to deal with your body’s choices!

Maybe you should be advising on contraception, so she doesn't have a six and be moaning even bloody more!

She said it herself, she only does things that benefit her.

She helps her stepdaughters out presumably because it makes her look good and get praise from them and her husband. She visits your brother...must be of some benefit. But she see no glory in helping you so wont.

If she does mention it again I would gloss over it but perhaps just say "Its a shame you dont see how badly it reflects on you that you will help out your stepchildren but not your own dd." As someone who likes getting the glory, she will not like that ONE BIT.

Then come to peace with the fact that this is the mother you have. A selfish uncaring one. No matter what you do, she will never be the mother you want her to be. No contact is probably your best bet for your mental health.

Oh and I have 6 kids by the way.......Ignore the bitchy comments. As if someone decided not to have another baby in case they struggled for childcare during the birth!! I managed just fine with minimal help as I didnt need it but my family did look after the others when I was giving birth because they are not assholes!

I voted YABU only because you say this type of behaviour is typical of your mother, so really is something to be expected. If I were you and your DH, it would give me more peace of mind to hire a doula or nanny for a week to look after the other 4 kids while you are giving birth and recouperating; or at least hire a private midwide to be your advocate in hospital for 24hrs. (Appreciate these options are an added expense you may not be able to afford so, as an alternative, have a friend who could come to visit you in the hospital while DH looks after the other children. If this is not an option, the only choice seems to be have DH look after the kids and you give birth alone in hospital - not ideal at all, but needs must.)

Babysitting 4 kids for 24-48hrs is a lot to ask of anyone else, but I would still hope that family step up. It's not like this is an every day occurrence. Could your DH's family help at all, or your brother?

When she’s cross because other people won’t be roped in to ‘help out’ with looking after them!

Im presuming Op has plenty of money if she has 4 kids, lives in London and has a spare room, anyway, so can pay for a few days of childcare.

OP I sympathise. I asked DM to help with 2yr old DS when I was in early pregnancy and bleeding. Midwife said that resting might save the pregnancy. DM said no, followed by “and who’s going to have DS while you’re in hospital for the birth, anyway?”. I miscarried. She then said “you were only six weeks, when I was your age that wouldn’t even have been considered a pregnancy”. In case you can’t tell, I’m still sore about it. Who knows whether it would have made any difference but her response will always hurt. She’s like that In general but I had thought she might make an exception. Happy to say I now have DC2 from a subsequent pregnancy, no thanks to DM.

What a surprise this comment and six kids 🙄!

OP, your mum does not have to look after your 4 kids.

Lets me completely frank here, your essay in your words was was expecting tiny kids under 8, 2 are at senior school.

Your husband certainly does not need to drag 4 kids to the hospital.

I hope you work it out.

I'll be brutally honest. You're irresponsible for having a other child when you've already had 4 c sections and previous complications! It's no one else's responsibility to look after your kids, you'll have to suck it up and do it alone so your DH can look after your other kids

Given that the vast majority of people have more than one child and that the vast majority of them have their partner with them when they give birth, by your logic anyone who has more than one baby cannot look after them without others, and therefore should not have had that second baby.

No one would be piling on like this if the OP was having the MN acceptable 2 kids would they?

Some of the comments are here are absolutely fucking vile.

Explain please?

What exactly are you implying?