My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

You chose to have five children. Totally unreasonable to expect anyone else to help other than your dp if you choose to have that many children.

I'm sorry OP, it would be lovely if she did want to help but I can't blame her for not!

5 kids is a lot, I'm no where near my 60s and if someone, no matter how close, asked me to look after 4 kids for the day it would be a definitely no! And you're asking her to be on call for several days.

You are absolutely entitled to have the number of children you want and can provide for. But you also have to understand that having that many will be too much for anyone else to want to cope with so you'll have zero help. You'll have better luck splitting them among family members.

That many c sections is a lot on your body and you're already concerned how this one will go, please do consider a permanent solution so you don't end up in this situation again. I know people who have had less c sections and their uterus has been so thin they can see baby through it and is massive risk of rupture, don't risk leaving your babies without a mum trying to have more if it's advised any more would be unsafe.

In fact I'd say that if I was 35.

Thinking about it some more, my own DM who can give Mother Teresa a run for sainthood would have said no too (I asked her!)

Exactly this.

OP you chose to have a fifth child, it’s up to you to care for all of them equally. It’s not your mum’s responsibility.

I feel for you OP! I would drop anything to help my family at such a special but also a stressful time.

Do you have anyone else you can rely on?

Yes surely the plan is “let’s hope it happens before pick up time and if it doesn’t our plan is X”

Everyone I know who had ELCS dates had the baby before lunchtime

She's clearly not prepared to help so you need to find someone else/make other arrangements. I'd keep contact to a minimum from now on to save your sanity.

I think those who are overcome with horror at looking after four kids should look at the ages again - it’s not like there are four under fives or something!

And even then

14yo and 11yo can walk home from school

The primary kids can go to after school club.

But OP preferred to call on someone who lives 60 miles away who will probably spend the time on her own in the house while kids are at school

I've had three ELCS. Only one was in the morning!!

Chances are that an ELCS will be pushed back if an emergency takes precedence.

I don't know where you are getting this from!!!

I don't know the specifics of this relationship, but in general terms, adult children help their parents because of all the fingers they lifted when raising them to independent adulthood.
If on top of that they're expected to roll their sleeves up as grandparents for another 20 years, it's a pretty poor deal to get a few lifts to the hospital and your shopping done in your old age, isn't it?

She sounds like a nasty old cow and I’d cut her off. Accept she’s not going to be any help and your relationship is/has been over for a long time and find someone else to help you.

Every child is a blessing to it’s parents. no one else is obliged to give a shit or to provide childcare

I can see why you are upset that she won't help - but you have to stop thinking she will. She is clearly not going to! Make other arrangements, in no way rely on her. You'll be happier once you stop trying to chase her down for help. Ultimately you can't make her - so just get other arrangements in place.

YABU purely because it's not problem and she is not obliged to help. I don't understand why you are super stressed out - surely this is something you'd have considered before having another child?
It's not other people's responsibility to fix your self-inflicted problems. Sorry

Your Mum doesn't sound very helpful but the bottom line is you have as many kids as you can care for between you and DH without expecting others to help you. It's fine if they want to help but your Mum doesn't want to and she's not obliged to, she's already brought her own children up. Your DH should stay home with your DC whilst you're in hospital. Perhaps he could collect you in a taxi when you are released to come home. I hope he's booked a few weeks of paternity leave to care for you all once you're home. I would go for my DD but I'd only be caring for 2 DGC. I don't know I could manage 4 at once. I find 2 quite tiring.

Some.of these responses are so harsh it's unreal! That said I think you need to accept your mum isn't going to be there and help you like a lot of mums would. Then you won't keep being disappointed over and over. Good luck with your new little one.

My mum (aged 60) helps me and has helped when giving birth but no way would she ever help if I ever had 4 kids at home and about to give birth to another one. People stop having kids for this very reason so they don't have to rely on people.

Who looked after your 3 kids when you went to have baby no4?

OPs DC are 14,11, 10 and 5 ( if I remember correctly.) She’s not asking her DM to look after 4 young children. I’m not that far off 60 and certainly wouldn’t find it too much to look after my own grandchildren for a couple of hours for a couple of days whilst their mother gave birth.

A lot of pp have seen 5 dc and nothing else. OP isn’t asking for daily childcare whilst she works, or weekly baby sitting. She’s asking for a couple of hours in a couple of days whilst she gives birth and is in hospital. I really don’t understand how many mothers on MN are so cold to other mothers. Would you really act like that if your DD was giving birth? Even if you didn’t agree with the number of DC they chose to have?

This. She doesn't have to help. Neither of my parents have ever helped me, and I've only got 1!

Do you think when your baby is born your mum will visit and want to cuddle new baby?

You've said you don't have a good relationship with your mother so I don't know why you think she'd help out. I don't know why you bother with her at all.

Presumably you're financially well off to have 5 children, so just use childcare and taxis.

I think she’s being a bit hard on you. They’re not four preschoolers. The youngest isn’t a toddler/baby. It’s manageable for a day or two, assuming she has no health problems.

That’s a lot of CSections though. Is your mother of the view that you’re taking risks with your health?

Or that you won’t cope financially, maybe?

Getting what from where?

At least it's a c section so you can plan for it. Think you'll have to do paid care or try another relative/friends. To be honest- sounds like that will actually be less stress than dealing with your mother.