My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

4 children for an open-ended time.... that's a BIG ask!

I'm due DC4 about when you are. I'd very much like DH to be present for the birth in case I need a medical advocate etc. But as a have other children I assume he will go home once we are on the ward. Yes, my parents are going to help with the older children. But I wouldn't ask them to have sole care of all 3, just to help DH out so it's not an unecesaarily stressful time for the children. Got my fingers crossed that DD2 arrived on a weekday so eldest is at school and younger 2 have their usual nanny!!!

As you are having a section, you have time to organise and pay a professional babysitter. Your DH will have to be home for bedtime etc.

But it’s entirely relevant that she has so many kids

Are you joking acting like your entitled to her help. Regardless of any history your not entitled to expect someone to look after your kids. If you can't manage with the ones you have then stop having them. We have 4 and never once would it run thru my head to expect my mum to jump and look after them. Anything that happens and we've had a fair few emergencys this year they come with us and we fit them into the situation somehow in someway

sorry but if she's never helped before what made you think she would now? why have a 5th child with no support? no vehicle or transport!? just don't understand the entitlement

It’s really unfortunate your mum can’t help you. Your examples to show her being unfair don’t really compare though and are about meeting her husband in London (ages ago) to being a helpful stepmother to an individual step child when they were ill.

This isn’t really comparable to asking a now older parent to care for 4 grandchildren for several days worth. It’s quite possible for a 60 something year old to have the energy to help a mentally I’ll individual stepchild for a few hours by doing a bit of housecleaning but be unable to travel 60miles and then spend a day caring for 4 grandchildren. They are very different sized asks.

As your csection is booked and you know the days, have you thought about hiring a child minder for the times you need your DH by your side?

I can't believe you're prepared to have a 4th C section when you've already had complications before. Why on earth would you risk leaving your existing children motherless to have a 5th child? Don't you know that women can and still do die from birth?
Your mum is under no obligation to help or feel bad about not doing so. Good on her for being able to put her foot down. Why should she support your and DH's selfish decision to bring another unnecessary body into the world?
FFS get your contraception sorted after this one.

@PyongyangKipperbang you're only being sympathetic because you've got six kids abd probably like OP rely on others to deal with them, then get the jump when they don't.

Oh and I have 6 kids by the way.......Ignore the bitchy comments. As if someone decided not to have another baby in case they struggled for childcare during the birth!! I managed just fine with minimal help as I didnt need it but my family did look after the others when I was giving birth because they are not assholes!

LOL at taking care of five kids being ‘minimal help’

People aren’t ‘assholes’ if they don’t accommodate your one-woman mission to overpopulate the earth BTW.

And she calls her mother unreasonable!

👏

Hump not jump

Some of the comments are here are absolutely fucking vile

We must have very different interpretations of what 'absolutely fucking vile' means, as I have seen nothing of the sort on here.

YABU it’s your family, your choice to have another child. DH can look after his kids and u have baby and come home. I have 3 kids and know how hard it is. 5 is next level

@PyongyangKipperbang you're absolutely right, 2 children are acceptable 5,6 really are not!

Sorry you’ve got a crap mother 💐 from this point on, i would absolutely distance myself from her. One of the most difficult times of your life and she cannot even help her own daughter?! You said she doesn’t work. No, create a boundary. I hope you get sorted. Im one of 6 and my mum took herself to the hospital, had the baby on her own and came home on her own (80s). My dad stayed at home to look after the rest of us x

Lack of comprehension an issue for you then?

As I posted above, I did it with minimal help, and in fact I spent more time helping out family than they did helping me. I was carer, along with my mother, for my grandparents before they passed, and yes I took the kids with me. As it is I am now spending a lot of time helping my parents out despite still having 2 younger ones and fully expect to be a full time carer at some point in the next 5 years. Thats life. Far from getting hump (I assume thats what you mean) at no one helping me but that doesnt really fit your narrative does it?

You can sit there smug in your belief that all people with more than 2 kids are thick poor scrounging breeders if you like. But be told......you are wrong.

I would be curious what peoples opinions are if she only had one child and her mum wasn’t wanting to help? Would peoples opinions be
different? The older children will pretty much look after themselves imo.

I don’t think expecting your family to help during operations / child birth / medical procedures is unreasonable at all. But we seem to have moved into world where family doesn’t mean anything and don’t help each other out any more. I’m just hoping all these 60 years olds realise it ruins relationships and in no way will people be bending over backwards to help / visit in care homes when they need help

Some of the comments are here are absolutely fucking vile.

Absolutely blaming your mother because you can't deal with the five children you've chosen to have, is totally vile! Can't believe some mothers do it! So upsetting for the grandparents.

She doesn’t have to help you

Bit equally you don’t have to continue a relationship with someone who is so utterly unsupportive

Relationships are give and take, and only you can tell if things are equal

it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

I wouldn't look after your children either with that attitude.

Why did you have a 5th child and 4th c section?

Your husband can take the children and you go alone.

@PyongyangKipperbang minimal help, good luck with your potential 36 grandchildren!

You might be spread a little too thin...

But at the end of the day OP can't even deal with giving birth to number 5, without demanding help!

Most parents in their 50s early 60s are still working themselves, myself included!

I would never speak to her again and if I got the chance to make like more difficult for her, honestly, I would. She a malignancy in your life, excise her!

You can sit there smug in your belief that all people with more than 2 kids are thick poor scrounging breeders if you like. But be told......you are wrong.

WTF.... 😂! That's a massive chip on your shoulder, I never said any of that....

Why?

And before anyone trots out the old "overpopulation" thing....my sister is childfree not by choice. If she had had three and then I had had three that would, by this logic, be fine. But her having none and me having six.....that were/are all housed, clothed, fed, well loved and looked after BY ME and their FATHER and not by the tax payer or grandparents, is not fine.

Please give me the benefit of your wisdom :)

Oh and giving birth.......last one I had at home precisely because I knew it was a big ask but as it happened the younger four were away for the week with their dad when I had her and the 21 year old scarpered as soon as he realised I was in labour!