My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

Thinking about it I’m a bit dubious. OP presumably has a c-section in 8 weeks. She knows when it’s gonna happen. It will happen in the day - won’t the kids be in school?

Asking these sorts of people to help gives them ammunition. So dont give her the satisfaction. On the flip side, You might be a touch entitled and expecting too much of others. With your firth child on the way, no car? etc. Etc. I don't envisage you have been a significantly helpful person in your mother's life or anyone else's for that matter for quite some time? That is a presumption on my part.

I think you both sound pretty unpleasant. You clearly can't stand her so why on earth would you want her looking after your children?

@Thegoodbadandugly that is also a possibility agreed.

Well, if I didn't have a good relationship with my daughter and she wanted me to look after her 4 eldest for three days I'd think she was the biggest CF going! GPs aren't just there to pick up as required, they have their own lives, their own jobs, to take care of.

I don't know what's gone on before between OP and her mum but she should work on that relationship first before expecting Granny to pick up the slack in the family.

OP hire a nanny or home help. YABU.

You lost me at being 32 weeks pregnant with your 5th baby.

You and your husband have made the choice to continue to have children, not your mother.

Your husband can stay home with the other 4 if you can't afford childcare. It is not your 60 year old mother's responsibility to travel to you, and potentially have to stay for some time, when she has a life and responsibilities of her own, because you have chosen to keep having children.

I'll also note it's the grandparent with the vagina you're harassing to watch your children and outraged that she has said no. Typical.

hire some help. Ask others. Pay others. But accept that no one else has to watch your 4 children when there father is available. Hire a doula if he has to stay home if you need someone with you in hospital advocating for you ... you know the drill ... this will be the 5th time you've given birth.

Yes, that’s true. The CS will be during the day, so the kids should be at school for 6 hours.

My mum would t help me out either 😔

This OP.

Ph FGS no one is saying you’re decrepit 🙄 your words, not mine. All I said was a 60yo’s body/energy levels are different to that of a woman of child bearing age. Untwist your knickers

Yes, looking after 4 children for a couple of days will be very tiring and hard work but they’re her grandchildren.

Yes this isn’t OPs first rodeo and should’ve known her crap mum wouldn’t help.

Yes you cannot demand or expect your mother to help but REALLY people what mother wouldn’t want to help her daughter out.

My mum would absolutely look after my DS and any future children while I was having major surgery and stick around after to help look after them while I recover.

That’s what a mother does and I would (and I’m sure you would OP) do the same for your children and their partners in the future. That’s what your supposed to do for your children, help them through the tough parts of life and do what you can to make it easier on them. You’re family and that’s what you do for each other.

I think that’s what you’re really asking OP, no YANBU to think your mother should want to help.

Firstly Op congratulations on the pregnancy of your 5th child.

I cannot believe the amount of people on here saying that they agree with her mother.
I understand that 4 children may well be a hand full (I've 4 my self) but at there ages it's not like OPs mother will be running around after toddlers! These are children that will be able to dress them self's feed them self's and the older 3 bath them self's.
Op is having major surgery to be able to bring her baby into this world.😳 it isn't like she's off on her jollys. I believe every child is a blessing even if that is your 1st or 10th!

Op I'd look at your other options of child care husbands family or your siblings,maybe even friends that can help out for a few hours ect.

Hire a nanny for a few days to stay in your spare room.

I agree with this.

adult children can be awful, not just their parents

I'd like to think I'd help my daughter, but in reality 4 kids for 3 days would bring me to me knees with horror. I'm 55.

I think, very gently, YABU in expecting anything from her other than what you've got over the years. Is she obligated to help? No one is, regardless of relationship. Would it be nice if she helped? Absolutely. But she's made it clear before where she stands and you said yourself that you don't have the best relationship.

She is also BU, because she could have just said no rather than going mad about the whole thing.

However. Given that you mention you are prone to complications, I think the chance of it being more than three days out of her life is actually a bit higher than you're admitting to.

I would plan for that scenario in your shoes, and come up with an alternative to your obviously unhelpful mother.

There are a lot of horrible people commenting on here. It’s really sad that nowadays parents won’t help their kids with a small amount of childcare. Just don’t forget that when she’s old and frail.

What is all this 'tit for tat' nonsense?

In reality, OP wouldn't be able to help her mother anyway, she has her hands full and no help from her husband's family, seemingly.

As for helping aged parents, either do or don't, but this transactional attitude is possibly why people have stopped bothering.

OP - as PP has suggested, what about your husband's family? Have they even been asked to help?

Don't blame her a bit. Your choice to have 5 dcs.

For the birth of our 2nd, MIL had DC1 for 5 hours while I was in surgery (planned c section) and then dropped DC1 off during visiting hours. When visiting hours were over DH and DC1 went home until the next day when they both came back to collect me and DC2.
That is pretty much the only 6 hours of family or friend childcare we've had during both their lives.

We stopped at 2 for a few reasons, but one was because we didn't have a support system that could help us with more children.

If you were my DD I'd help you, but in all honesty I'd be pretty resentful that you expected me to facilitate you having your 5th baby. Big families are only really a sensible option if you've the resources to manage independently as it's a big ask to expect anyone to help when multiple children are involved.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe It's not tit for tat or transactional, it is someone making their feelings quite clear, why would one then feel obliged to go out of one's way for someone who wouldn't lift a finger for you?

And OPs mother is 60, her children will be grown by that point.

@Mymotherdontdoalot on the off chance you're coming back, can I ask did the difficulty in your relationship with your mum start before or after you began expecting/demanding her help with your children?

I'm 60 and as a Mum I would help you out as much as I can, but I had no help with my four, and ended up having to get friends to look after mine whilst I gave birth. I was lucky to have friends who would, or I would have just got on with it myself.

Good luck.

MN Talk is not a ‘support’ forum. It’s a discussion forum. I’m not the kind of person to go “Awww hun what a both you love your best life’