To ask why your 3.5 yo behaves?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Like literally what is it you do and have done that makes them behave - don't run off, stop when told, walk nicely , not shriek.

And ideally with more nuance than tla generic "by being a decent parent" type stuff.

DTwins are great but they're just... spirited. Language is behind, understanding is there but it does complicate stuff.

They're told off, removed, made to walk on their reins etc
I'm not just sat there watching them misbehave and going "oh no, they're so naughty!"

So why are YOUR children better behaved than mine.??

Mine isn't always well behaved! He has the odd tantrum but almost never outside of the house, but as much as possible we set expectations in advance, compromise where appropriate, and bare in mind his age and that he's quite possibly ND (me and his older brother are)

So like my eldest would absolutely NOT hold hands, he hated it, and that meant in town he would run in peoples way. Instead of fighting with him we got him one of those backpacks with a lead, let him choose it and he loved it - problem solved in a way that worked for everyone. We do the same with my youngest now when we go hiking except he has a climbing harness (because reins wouldn't hold him if he fell which is more the concern there, not getting in peoples way)

My youngest has always been quite good at not running off, it must be much harder when you have 2 of them though! I always let mine run wild in open spaces but that was with the knowledge I could easily outrun him, I have no idea what I would do with 2 of them and the potential for them to go in opposite directions!

When my DD was that age, she was SO well behaved. Impeccable manners, never tantrummed, did everything I asked, never ran into the road, never hurt a fly. She was the perfect pre-schooler and life was easy.

I honestly put it down to my excellent parenting skills and nothing more.

Then DS came along. From the moment he walked he was non-stop, never did a thing he was told, had to be restrained if there was a car within a 50 meter radius and generally behaved like a zoo animal until he was in school.

After eating a large slice of humble pie my smugness immediately abated and I figured out that it’s sheer pot luck, most 3yo’s have a bit of the devil in them and you just have to tell yourself ‘this soon will pass’.

Gin also helps

Because they could go to nursery later and for only a few mornings “for fun” so they didn’t have multiple different rules/voices to learn, because their parents are together ditto, because they have enough food and sleep, because they were born as singletons, because they weren’t disabled or had other vulnerabilities, honestly because they were lucky. Only the very limited are thinking anything negative about toddlers who can’t yet behave like mini adults and lots of us don’t want them to.

Unfailingly consistent; warning - specific behaviour, specific and natural consequence then consequence that you absolutely 100% follow through on no excuses.

Don't ever ever threaten something you can't follow through on!

An element is the child's nature. One of my DC is simply more compliant than the other. Eager to please grownups etc.

Added to this I'd say:
Don't be afraid to be "strict".
Clear, strong, consistent consequences
Start early. "Distract" as a technique is for v young/pre verbal toddlers, too many people carry on doing it too long.
Accept that sometimes they will cry because they cannot always get what they want
Be a parent first and a friend second.
Never, ever, ever, ever give into tantrums, whinging, pestering.

I can't remember exactly but I think a lot of it was expectations.

So not necessarily related to the particular misbehaviour, just the knowledge that that wouldn't be accepted iyswim.

I recall a mum at school asking what I'd do if they climbed on the dining table. And I didn't have an answer for her, because they just wouldn't.

No idea whether it was just my dc's nature or anything I did particularly that meant they behaved.

A 3.5 year old isnt a toddler @Ohthatsabitshit. And are you implying children who's parents aren't together don't behave? I know plenty of single parents of kids with lovely behaviour....

How behind is their language ? Is that a factor if they can't yet have a full conversation about their needs/feelings ? How do they play ? Can they settle and concentrate on age appropriate tasks ?

With my just under 3.5 year old, everything is a battle and always has been. She was constantly upset as a baby. Everything is difficult with her - getting dressed, cutting nails, brushing hair, eating, nappy changes, baths, sleep, she hits us, throws things, shouts, breaks things, runs off towards roads etc. Although tbf she is also often very happy now as long as we are out and about rather than at home. She is well behaved at nursery but has massive restraint collapse at home.
Sort of the opposite to @MartinChuzzlewit , I figured we are terrible parents. But now we have a baby DS who... enjoys things! Doesn't cry constantly! Is actually mostly content! So now I realise it's just their personality / luck. And I really hope DS keeps his easygoing personality and maybe occasionally does what i ask, imagine! 😆

So why are YOUR children better behaved than mine.??

He isn't 😂

sorry not at all helpful but just wanted to say it's not just yours...

3.5 is the hardest age. No advice here, mine are teenagers now, but that age has never left me.

I would also add:
Lots of kids behave worse for parents than anyone else. My less well behaved DC produced preschool/school reports describing them as quiet, respectful, polite, well behaved it. They aren't for me! But from someone else's perspective they are well behaved.

Both of mine were well behaved at that age (and I'm a single parent!). No idea why. I definitely didn't read any parenting books or have a particular patenting "style". They have very different personalities and were into different things. They had/have their problems (sleep, fussy eating, sensitivities etc) but were never naughty and i never really had to deal with behavioural stuff. I guess I was really consistent and had really clear boundaries. Probably just complete luck though.

I found 3.5 a hellish age with both DS1 and DS2. Stressful and frustrating. (DS3 isn't that age yet!)

The How To Talk So Kids Will Listen books help but they don't solve everything.

I agree with everything @MartinChuzzlewit said, it's mostly down to personality / luck. My 4 year old is a total riot and I am basically just waiting for her to grow out of it now, her older sister was a dream child for the most part.

Not sure I completely understand natural consequences, the natural consequence of refusing to hold your hand in town doesn't bear thinking about! I tend to work on bribes and then resort to threats I can follow through with.

No I’m “implying” that it’s easy to be “well behaved” if you have the advantages I listed.

I found that with my DS1 absolutes were much better for him. Maybe because he understood them more, or maybe his personality. So he didn't get chances, he got told the behaviour that I expected and if he didn't follow there was an immediate consequence. And there were no real nuances. Which didn't lead to a generally well behaved child, but did lead to quite good behaviour in very specific circumstances.

Road safety was the big thing for me because he was very competent on a bike very young, and so I needed him to listen to me (and I'm a bit terrified of cars). If he didn't stop when I said stop he went straight in the buggy and I carried the bike, or made him walk and I carried the bike. He didn't just hold my hand on busy roads he held it on every single road.

Road safety is a pretty easy one to be really clear on though! Knowing that he is much better with black and white isn't much good about more abstract things like sharing. I certainly was judged a lot by family members by removing him from the situation if he'd behaved poorly rather than giving him a chance to apologise. Who knows if I did the right thing. But I do feel like he understood that. But I've no idea what the consequence is for shrieking! I try to tamp down my hatred for that if we're in the house and pretend it's not happening.

Things that he didn't want to do was pretty much making everything a game or a race. Who could get their shoes on first (probably wouldn't work with twins!), how would see the most green cars on the way to nursery.

3.5 year olds are exhausting.

From about 18m-3years my now 6yo was a total nightmare. Honestly just tantrum after tantrum, shouting "NO!" at everything, refusing to do anything. He drastically improved at 3 and by 3.5 we were getting compliments when out from strangers about how well behaved he was! Started school at 4 and never had a single issue. He's a delight and so easygoing. By contrast, ds2 has been a dream since birth and never gives us a moment's trouble. I think it's all down to luck! May this tricky phase pass quickly for you.

I think a lot of it’s down to personality. Some 3.5 year olds seem to behave like angels but I wasn’t so lucky! DS is 4 in January and seems to have turned a corner this summer and is so much better at doing what he’s told. He was a bolter from the moment he could walk and I still wouldn’t trust him to walk nicely beside me near a road so we have a rule he either holds my hand or goes on the buggy board of his sisters pram until we’re away from main roads.

All you can do in the meantime is stay consistent, set your boundaries and always follow through when you say you’ll do something, no empty threats. Hopefully the feral age passes quickly!

My son now nearly 5 is such a darling, not perfect but he’s a good, well behaved child. I always knew I was just lucky and I agree with you it’s pot luck. When my second was born he was ill and my son took the whole thing terribly and had some major tantrums the like of which we’d never seen 😳 it passed, but it did highlight that when he did go nuts I didn’t know what to do. I just cuddled him and hoped for the best. My second son is now 16 months in waiting to see what he’ll be like 😂

I have a beautifully behaved child but I think it's her nature.

Honestly I do.

I really try hard to be a good parent - empathetic, available, thoughtful, wise. But I think she was just born to be fairly compliant. I see other kids acting out and I know I wouldn't have a clue how to handle it. So in my opinion it's luck.

Plain straightforward no fuss discipline.

It's been a long time since my daughter was 3.5, but she was beautifully behaved and I'm pretty sure it was 99% luck, 1% my parenting.

She's basically the human equivalent of a golden retriever and always has been. Some kids just happen to be huskies or chow chows.

Luck here. Little DD (3 and a bit) has literally never had a tantrum, is always happy, and will enjoy playing independently whilst I get things done at home. Older DD (now 6 and absolutely wonderful) turned me grey and fat with stress & exhaustion!

So sorry, no advice!

Bribery 😂